Computer stupidities

[remy3x]

One time I got really frustrated with a caller who had claimed that "the Internet had changed the color to black." Eventually I worked out that her computer had switched off.
Me: "For the last time, could you please turn the computer on?"
Her: "But I don't have the file!"
Me: "What file!?"
Her: "You know, the file."
Me: "Could you please press the button with the circle and the line on it, please?"
Her: "Don't you talk like that! I still need to download the file! I know what to do. I have friends who are computer experts!"
Me: "Just press the button even if the file still hasn't 'downloaded' yet."
Her: "Ok. Well, nothing's happ-- oh, it's got some gibberish written over it now. It's blue, and there is one thingie that says my name! Wow! My husband taught the computer my name!"
Me: "Yes, that's what happens when you turn it on. Ok, I'm happy the problem's fixed. Bye!"
Her: "But--"
Click.


I had this conversation recently with a lady who swore she had been using computers since forever.

Tech Support: "All right. Now click 'OK'."
Customer: "Click 'OK'?"
Tech Support: "Yes, click 'OK'."
Customer: "Click 'OK'?"
Tech Support: "That's right. Click 'OK'."
Customer: "So I click 'OK', right?"
Tech Support: "Right. Click 'OK'."
Pause.

Customer: "I clicked 'Cancel'."
Tech Support: "YOU CLICKED 'CANCEL'???"
Customer: "That's what I was supposed to do, right?"
Tech Support: "No, you were supposed to click 'OK'."
Customer: "I thought you said to click 'Cancel'."
Tech Support: "NO. I said to click 'OK'."
Customer: "Oh."
Tech Support: "Now we have to start over."
Customer: "Why?"
Tech Support: "Because you clicked 'Cancel'."
Customer: "Wasn't I supposed to click 'Cancel'?"
Tech Support: "No. Forget that. Let's start from the top."
Customer: "Ok."
I spent the next fifteen minutes re-constructing the carefully crafted setup for this lady's unique computer.

Tech Support: "All right. Now, are you ready to click 'OK'?"
Customer: "Yes."
Tech Support: "Great. Now click 'OK'."
Pause.

Customer: "I clicked 'Cancel'."
And people wonder why my mouse pad has a target on it labeled "BANG HEAD HERE."


Heard from a customer, while I was setting up his new T1 line:
Customer: "This is a Mac. It doesn't need an IP address."


Customer: "Look, look!!!!! Look what it's doing!!! Can you BELIEVE this?? Why is it doing that??"
Tech Support: "Sir, I can't see your computer, what is it doing?"
Customer: "WHAT??? Can't you figure it out?? LOOK AT MY COMPUTER SCREEN!!!!! You can see it, can't you?!"


I used to work as a salesman for a computer wholesaler a number of years ago. I got a call from a woman who was fit to be tied. She found out that the person who sold her the computer bought it from our company and called us to complain.

Customer: "I need help with this computer!"
Tech Support: "Well what do you need to know?"
Customer: (screaming) "Well I bought this damn computer from this guy who says he bought it from you and he came to my house and hooked it up. Now while he's explaining to my daughter how to use it, she's telling him 'yeah, yeah,' she knows what he's talking about. I'm in the kitchen cooking peppers and onions while my daughter is going 'yeah, yeah,' then this guy leaves, and I ask my daughter if she knows how to use the computer, and she says she was too embarrassed to tell him she didn't understand and just told him 'yeah, yeah.' Now I paid over $1000 for this thing and I don't even know how to use it!"
Tech Support: "Uh, well is there anything in particular you want to know how to do?"
I never anticipated her answer.

Customer: "I wanna make a tennis game."
Tech Support: "A what!?"
Customer: "A tennis game with the paddles."
Tech Support: "What, you mean like pong?"
Customer: "No, tennis!"
Tech Support: "You mean with graphics?"
Customer: "I wanna make a tennis game with the, you know, rackets and the ball."
Tech Support: (in shock, I start blurting nonsense) "Well, do you know Windows?"
Customer: "I don't know anything about computers, I was frying sausages in the kitchen..."
She tells me the whole story again.

Tech Support: "Well, you would need to lean how to program in a computer language like C++ and that takes many years of experience. I'd suggest you first start slowly and learn DOS and Windows."
After that, I spent twenty minutes talking her down from a seething boil to a cool simmer and finally got her off the phone. I imagine this woman aggravated the poor slob who sold her the computer until he caved in and gave her our number. Nice guy.

[Elision]

that's some good shit man

who do you work for anyway?

[Bistnal]

It's amazing how thick people can be. I was trying to help my sister set up her new pc over the phone a couple months ago...didn't realize I had to explain the VERY basics, made for a very interesting convo.