Sick jokes

[Sam.]

A lesbian goes to a nutritionist because she has indigestion.

The nutritionist says "It’s simple - you are what you eat".

so the lesbian turns to her and says...

"Are you calling me a cunt?"

[Sam.]

‎(_!_) regular arse

(__!__) fat arse

(!) tight arse

(_*_) sore arse

(_o_) well used arse

(_e=mc2_) smart arse

and the best one:

(_x_) kiss my arse

[mdemaz]

One good thing about pedophiles is that they slow down at school zones.

[Sam.]

[Bistnal]

One good thing about pedophiles is that they slow down at school zones.

I'm pretty sure you or someone else already did that joke fyi.

[mdemaz]

I failed..
):

Three men were using the urinals in a public restroom in the UK. The first man finished relieving himself, zipped up, strolled to the sinks and proceeded to wash his hands, using plenty of soap and water and doing a splendidly thorough job. As he was drying his hands (with lots of paper towels), he loftily announced to no one in particular "At Oxford, I learned to be clean and sanitary." The man then left the bathroom in a cloud of self-satisfaction. The second gent zipped up, marched briskly to the sinks, and scrubbed his hands with much less soap and water than the first man, doing a splendidly thorough job nonetheless. As he was drying his hands (with only one paper towel), he severely announced to no one in particular," At Cambridge, I learned to be clean and sanitary, but I ALSO learned to be thrifty and environmentally conscious." He then strode from the bathroom with a purposeful air. The third man finished relieving himself, zipped up, and ambled past the sinks to the door, muttering to himself, "In Australia, we learn not to piss on our hands."

[Sam.]

A woman decides to have a facelift for her 47th birthday. She spends £15,000 and feels pretty good about the results.

On her way home she stops to buy a newspaper. Before leaving she asks the newsvendor, "I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am ?"
"About 32," he replies.
"I’m actually 47," the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald’s and asks the counter girl the same question. She replies, "I’d guess about 29."
The woman replies, "Nope, I am 47 !"

Now she is feeling really good about herself. While waiting for the bus home, she asks an old man the same question.

He replies, "I’m 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young, there was a sure way to tell how old a woman was, but it requires you to let me put my hands in your bra. Then, I can tell exactly how old you are."

They waited in silence on the empty street until curiosity got the best of the woman and she finally says, "What the hell, go ahead".

The old man slips both hands in her bra and begins to feel her tits.Several minutes she says, "Okay, how old am I?"
He removes his hands slowly and says, "You are 47."
Stunned, the woman says, "That is amazing. How did you know ?"
The old man replies, "I was behind you in McDonald’s."

[mdemaz]

A patient awakened after a serious operation only to find herself in a room with all the blinds drawn. Why are all the blinds closed?" she asked her doctor. Well, the surgeon responded, "They're fighting a huge fire across the street, and we didn't want you to wake up and think the operation had failed."

[Elision]

A patient awakened after a serious operation only to find herself in a room with all the blinds drawn. Why are all the blinds closed?" she asked her doctor. Well, the surgeon responded, "They're fighting a huge fire across the street, and we didn't want you to wake up and think the operation had failed."

haha that's pretty clever

[mdemaz]

Young Bill was courting Mabel, who lived on an adjoining farm out west in cattle country. One evening, as they were sitting on Bill's porch watching the sun go down over the hills, Bill spied his prize bull fucking one of his cows. He sighed in contentment at this idyllic rural scene and figured the omens were right for him to put the hard word on Mabel. He leaned in close and whispered in her ear, "Mabel, I'd sure like to be doing what that bull is doing." "Well then, why don't you? "Mabel whispered back. "It is YOUR cow."

A young man excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and is going to get married. He says, "Just for fun, Ma, I'm going to bring over three women and you try and guess which one I'm going to marry." The mother agrees. The next day, he brings three beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while. He then says, "Okay, Ma. Guess which one I'm going to marry." She immediately replies, "The red-head in the middle." Stunned, the young man says, "That's amazing, Ma. You're right. How did you know?"
"I don't like her," she says.

A married couple was on holiday in Pakistan. They were touring around the marketplace looking at the goods and such, when they passed a small sandal shop. From inside they heard a gentleman with a Pakistani accent say, "You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop."
So the couple walked in and the shopkeeper says to them, "I have some special sandals I think you would be interested in. They have special power. Dey make you wild at sex like a great desert camel." Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the shopkeeper claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the sex God he was.
The husband asked the man, "How could sandals improve my abilities?" The Pakistani man replied, "Just try dem on, Saiheeb. The sandals will prove it to you." Well, the husband, after much badgering from his wife, finally conceded to try them on. As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes; something his wife hadn't seen in many years: raw sexual power!
In a blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Pakistani man, bent him violently over a table, yanked down the man's pants and his own, and grabbed firm hold of the Pakistani's thighs. The Pakistani then began screaming, "YOU HAVE DEM ON DE WRONG FEET!"

[Sam.]

An army Major visiting the sick soldiers, went to one private and asked, “What’s your problem, Soldier?”

“Chronic syphilis, Sir.”
“What treatment are you getting?”
“Five minutes with the wire brush each day.”
“What’s your ambition?”
“To get back to the front, Sir.”
“Good man,” said the Major.

He went to the next bed, “What’s your problem, Soldier?”
“Chronic piles, Sir.”
“What treatment are you getting?”
“Five minutes with the wire brush each day.”
“What’s your ambition?”
“To get back to the front, Sir.”
“Good man,” barked the Major.

He moved to the next bed, “What’s your problem, Soldier?”
“Chronic gum disease, Sir”
“What treatment are you getting?”
“Five minutes with the wire brush each day.”
“What’s your ambition?”
“To get the wire brush before the other two, Sir!”

[mdemaz]

This fellow comes into a pharmacy and asks for a vial of Cyanide. The pharmacist, trying to keep a professional posture, asked what he wanted it for. He answered, "I want to kill my wife." "I'm sorry Sir," the pharmacist replied, "but you will have to understand under such circumstances I can't sell you any Cyanide." The guy reaches into his wallet and produces a photo of his wife. The pharmacist looks at the photo of the ugliest woman he has ever seen, blushes and replies, "I am sorry Sir, let me get it for you... I didn't realize you had a prescription."

[Sam.]

An old farmer decides that it was time to get a new rooster for his hens. The current rooster was still doing an O.K. job but he was getting on in years, and the farmer figured getting a new rooster couldn’t hurt anything. So he buys a young cock from the local rooster emporium, and turns him loose in the barn yard. Well, the old rooster sees the young one strutting around and he gets a little worried.

"So they’re trying to replace me," thinks the old rooster, "I’ve got to do something about this.

He walks up to the new bird and says, "So you are the new stud in town?, I bet you really think you are hot stuff, don’t you ? Well I’m not ready for the chopping block yet.I’ll bet I’m still the better bird, and to prove it, I challenge you to a race around that hen house. We’ll run around it 10 times and whoever finishes first gets to have all the hens for himself."

Well, the young rooster was a proud sort, and he definitely thought he was more than a match for the old guy. "You’re on," said the young rooster, " and since I know I’m so great, I’ll even give you a head start of half a lap, I’ll still win easy."

So the two roosters go over the hen house to start the race with all the hens gathered around to watch. The race begins and the hens start cheering the roosters on. After the first lap, the old rooster is still maintaining his lead. after the second lap, the old guy’s lead has slipped a little but he is still hanging in there. Unfortunately the old rooster’s lead continues to slip each time around, by the fifth lap he’s just barely in front of the young rooster.

By now the farmer has heard the commotion, he runs into the house, gets his shotgun and runs to the barn yard figuring a fox or something is after his chickens. When he gets there, he sees the young roosters chasing after the old rooster. He immediately takes his shotgun, aims, fires, and blows the new rooster away.

As he walks away slowly, he says to himself... "Damn, that’s the third gay rooster I’ve bought this month."

Search results for blow job

[Maybe]

What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?

Wiped his ass.

[mdemaz]

There was a little boy who had just learned to count on his fingers. One day his uncle came to visit and the boy was anxious to show off his newly acquired skill. He told the uncle to ask him and addition question. So they uncle asked, "What is three plus four?" The little boy counts it out on his fingers and said, "Seven." The uncle said, "Listen kid, you cant count it out on your hands because someday when you are in school, a teacher will get mad at you for it. Now put your hands in your pockets." So the little boy put his hands in his pockets and his uncle asked, "What is five plus five?" The uncle saw movement in the boys pockets, then the boy said, "Eleven."