Sick jokes

[Sam.]

An old, but rich man marries a gorgeous 21 year old model with a very aggressive sexual appetite. It isn’t long before they realise that the husband is not able to make her come during their protracted sex sessions.

They decide to seek the advice of a sex counsellor. After having heard their problem he suggests that the wife might be able to come if they hire a male gigolo with a huge nob to stand naked over them during love-making and wave a towel at them for about 10 minutes. Although puzzled they try this the next evening, but alas to no avail, so they go back to the counsellor and describe the failure.

The counsellor suggests that maybe the gigolo should wave the towel for the entire period of love-making. That evening they retry, but again to no avail so back they go to the counsellor. Upon hearing of the failure the counsellor asks if the gigolo is waving the towel vigorously enough as this is an important aspect of the therapy.

So that night the couple get after it and inform the gigolo to give the towel a bloody good wave. After three hours of lovemaking the wife has still not come. In frustration the old man jumps off the bed, grabs the towel from the gigolo and orders him to screw his wife while he waves the towel frantically. In less than ten minutes the wife reaches an earth-shattering orgasm, nearly breaking all the windows in the house with her squeals of ecstasy. At this point the old man jumps forward with a victorious look on his face and shouts triumphantly at the gigolo "There you are sonny, that’s how you wave a fucking towel!"

When you saw the chainsaw get to waving
Like a terrible towel

[Sam.]

A guy is at home watching the football, when his wife interrupts! "Could you fix the Fridge door? It won’t close properly." "Fix the fridge door ? Does it look like I have Zanussi written on my forehead ? I don’t think so."
"Fine !" she says, "Then could you at least fix the steps to the front door ? They’re about to break."

"Does it look like I’ve got Ronseal written on my forehead? I don’t think so. I’ve had enough of this, I’m going to the pub!" So he goes to the pub and drinks for a couple of hours. When he arrives home, he notices that the steps are fixed. He goes to the fridge to get a beer and notices that the fridge door is also fixed. "Hey, how’d this all get fixed ?"

"Well" she says, "when you left, I sat outside and cried. Just then a nice young man asked me what was wrong, so I told him. He offered to do all the repairs, and all I had to do was bake him a cake OR have sex with him."
"So, what kind of cake did you bake him?", He asked.
She replied: "HELLO!!!... Do you see Mr. Kipling written on my forehead ? I don’t think so !!"

[Bistnal]

A guy is at home watching the football, when his wife interrupts! "Could you fix the Fridge door? It won’t close properly." "Fix the fridge door ? Does it look like I have Zanussi written on my forehead ? I don’t think so."
"Fine !" she says, "Then could you at least fix the steps to the front door ? They’re about to break."

"Does it look like I’ve got Ronseal written on my forehead? I don’t think so. I’ve had enough of this, I’m going to the pub!" So he goes to the pub and drinks for a couple of hours. When he arrives home, he notices that the steps are fixed. He goes to the fridge to get a beer and notices that the fridge door is also fixed. "Hey, how’d this all get fixed ?"

"Well" she says, "when you left, I sat outside and cried. Just then a nice young man asked me what was wrong, so I told him. He offered to do all the repairs, and all I had to do was bake him a cake OR have sex with him."
"So, what kind of cake did you bake him?", He asked.
She replied: "HELLO!!!... Do you see Mr. Kipling written on my forehead ? I don’t think so !!"

Heard that joke before...you're losing your touch.

[ilovebender.com]

Person A: That PeeWee Herman is so cheap.
Person B: Why do you say that?
Person A: He took his own kids to Thailand.

[Sam.]

A guy is strolling along Vegas Strip when a stunning hooker catches his eye. He strikes up a conversation and eventually asks, "How much?’

The Hooker replies, "$500 for a hand-job.’
The guy’s jaw drops: "$500 dollars, For a hand-job! No hand-job is worth that kind of money!’

The hooker says, "Do you see that Hard Rock cafe on the corner?’
"Yes.’
"Do you see the Hard Rock about a block further down?’
"Yes.’
"And beyond that, do you see that third Cafe?’
"Yes.’
"Well," says the hooker, smiling invitingly, "I own those. And, I own them because I give a hand-job that’s worth $500.’
The Guy says, "What the hell? I’ll give it a try.’

They retire to a nearby motel. A short time later, the guy is sitting on the bed realizing that he just experienced the hand-job of a lifetime, worth every bit of $500. He is so amazed, he says, "I suppose a blow-job is $1,000?’
The hooker replies, "$1,500.’

"$1,500? No blow-job could be worth that.’
The hooker replies, "Step over here to the window, big boy. See that casino just across the street? I own it. And I own it because I give a blow-job that’s worth every cent of $1,500.’
The guy, basking in the afterglow of that terrific hand-job, says, "Sign me up.’

Ten minutes later, he is sitting on the bed more amazed than before. He can’t believe it but he feels he truly got his money’s worth. He decides to dip into the pension savings for one glorious and unforgettable experience. He asks the hooker,
"How much for some pussy?’

The hooker says, "Come over here to the window. Do you see how the whole city of Las Vegas is laid out before us, all those beautiful lights, gambling palaces, and showplaces?’
"Damn!" the guy says, in awe, "You own the whole city?’
"No," the hooker replies............


"but I would if I had a pussy.’

[mdemaz]

A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarrassment they both go to sleep, the man on the top bunk, the woman on the lower. In the middle of the night the man leans over, wakes the woman and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly get me another blanket?" The woman leans out and, with a glint in her eye, says, " I have a better idea, just for tonight, let's make pretend that we're married!" The man says happily, "OK!" AWESOME!" The woman says, "GOOD .... Get your own fucking blanket!!!

[Sam.]

What sort of pisser are you ?

EXCITABLE - Runs in, grabs for zipper, zipper is stuck; finally gets it down, finds shorts have twisted around his leg, can’t find hole, rips button off in rage, pisses in pants.
SOCIABLE - Joins a friend in a piss whether he has to or not.
CROSS-EYED - Looks in one on left, pisses in one in middle, flushes one on right.
NOSEY - Looks into the next urinal to see how the other guy is fixed.
TIMID - Cannot urinate when someone is watching. Flushes urinal as if he has already used it, sneaks back later.
INDIFFERENT - All urinals being used, pisses in sink.
CLEVER - No hands, shows off by fixing tie, looks around, pisses on floor.
WORRIED - Is not sure of what he has been into lately; makes quick inspection.
FRIVOLOUS - Plays stream up and down and across urinal, tries to hit fly, never grows up.
ABSENT-MINDED - Opens vest, pulls out tie, pisses in pants.
DISGUSTED - Stands for a while, gives up, walks out, goes a few paces, turns and charges back. Doesn’t make it.
SNEAKY - Farts silently while pissing, acts very innocent, knows man in next stall will be blamed.
CHILDISH - Looks directly into bottom of urinal, likes to see it bubble.
PATIENT - Stands for a very long time, reads paper with free hand.
DESPERATE - Waits in long line, teeth grinding, pisses in pants.
EFFICIENT - Waits until he has to shit and then does both jobs at once.
TOUGH - Bangs penis against side of urinal to dry it.
FAT - Has to back up and take a long blind shot at urinal, misses, pisses on shoes.
LITTLE - Stands on box, falls in, drowns.
DRUNK - Holds left thumb in right hand, pisses in pants.

[Wallace]

I am TOUGH, but sometimes I am TIMID on pissing.

[Sam.]

On a transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse, when one wing is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane.

"I’m too young to die!", she wails.
Then she yells,
"Well,if I’m going to die, I want my last minutes on Earth to be memorable. Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?"

For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril, and they all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane. Then a man stands up in the rear of the plane.

"I can make you feel like a woman," he says.

He is gorgeous - tall, well built with long, flowing black hair and jet black eyes. He starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt,one button at a time. No one moves. The woman is breathing heavily in anticipation as the stranger approaches. He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest as he reaches her, and extends his hand to the trembling woman and whispers .......

.....

.....

.....
.....

.....

..........

.....

..........

.....

..........

.....

..........

.....

.....

"Iron this."

[Sam.]

This guy has four daughters who all live at home. One Friday night the doorbell rings. The guy answers it and a kid standing there says
"Hi, I’m Freddy. I’m here to pick up Betty. We’re gonna go eat spaghetti. Is she ready?"

The man, slightly amused calls down his daughter and the two leave. A few minutes later the doorbell rings again and he answers. A kid standing there says
"Hi, I’m Jim. I’m here to see Kim. We’re gonna go for a swim. Can I come in?"

The guy, now perplexed, says yes and the two take off. Few minutes later the doorbell rings and again the father answers. A kid standing there says
"Hi, I’m Joe. I’m here to pick up Flo. We’re gonna go to the show. Can she go?"

The man, now kind of annoyed says yes and the two depart. Sure enough, after few minutes later the door rings and the father answers. A kid standing there says
"Hi, I’m Chuck.."

and the father shot him.

[mdemaz]

An 80-year old man was having his annual check-up and the doctor asked him how he was feeling. "I've never been better!" he boasted. "I've got an eighteen year old bride who's pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?"

The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, "Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season. But one day, he went out in a bit of a hurry, and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun." The doctor continued, "So he was in the woods, and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle. And do you know what happened?" the doctor queried. Dumbfounded, the old man replied, "No." The doctor continued, "The bear dropped dead in front of him!" "That's impossible!" exclaimed the old man. "Someone else must have shot that bear."

"That's kind of what I'm getting at," replied the doctor.

[Sam.]

A father was watching his young daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was. Tears formed in his eyes as he thought about her seeing the wonders of nature through such innocent eyes. Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to see what work of God had captured her attention. He noticed she was watching two insects mating.

"Daddy, what are those two flies doing?" she asked.
"They’re mating," her father replied.
"What do you call the fly on top?" she asked.
"That’s a Daddy Longlegs," her father answered.
"So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?" the little girl asked.

As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question he replied, "No dear. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs."

The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then took her foot and stomped them flat and said, "Well, we’re not having any of that gay shit in our garden!"

lol

[Sam.]

Following the Last Trump Mother Teresa, Lady Di and Tony Blair arise and head for heaven. All three of them are standing outside the pearly gates and are met by St Peter who says "Aah yes I was expecting you three, go along that corridor there your rooms are marked with your names’.

Mother Teresa’s room is first and she goes in to find a smelly excrement filled room with a disgustingly dirty bed, lying on the bed is the ugliest man in creation fat, flatulent, bald, no teeth etc. The door slams behind Mother Teresa and the voice of God comes over the intercom ’Mother Teresa you led a life of debauchery and sin your penance is to make love to this man for all eternity’.

’Fuck me" thought the other two.

Lady Di’s room was next it was even more gross than the last and the hideously ugly man laying leering on the bed was even uglier than the last. Again the door slams behind Di and the voice of God booms out "Dianna you led a disgusting, debauched and unholy life on earth. Your penance is to make love to this man for all eternity"

Jesus fucking christ thought Tony Blair.

He walks to his room and with trepidation steps in... soft lighting shows a beautiful room, champagne chilling by the bed, and Claudia Schiffer stretched out stark naked on the silk sheets. The door slams behind Tony and the voice of God once more booms out.

’CLAUDIA SCHIFFER! YOU LED A DISGUSTING,DEBAUCHED AND UNHOLY LIFE ON EARTH.................

[Sam.]

A man goes to a prostitute and asks what he can have as he only has £20.
The prostitute replies "For that you get a snowstorm".
The man is baffled as he has never heard of a snowstorm, but not wanting to appear naive, he agrees and hands over the money.

After tucking the cash safely away, the woman kneels down, unzips his trousers, and proceeds to give him a blow job. The man shoots his load into her mouth and then does up his zip.

"Great!" he says "but what has that got to do with a snowstorm?"
The woman gets to her feet, looks him sqare in the face, and blows a long raspberry.

[Sam.]

A frustrated wife decided her sex life needed spicing up so she went shopping and picked up a pair of crotchless panties.

She went home and donned the new panties and selected a short skirt to go with them. She greeted her husband when he came home from work and sat across from him sipping a glass of wine.

She slowly spread her legs..."Would you like some of this?"

"No way !! Look what it’s done to your knickers !!"