Sick jokes

[Sam.]

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman, and started canvassing a well-to-do housing estate. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.
"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge ?"
The blonde after looking about, said, "How about 50 quid ?"
The man agreed and told her that the paint and other materials that she might need were in the garage.
The man’s wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband "Does she realise that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied: "She should, she was standing on it. Do you think she’s dumb ?"
"No. I guess I’m guilty of being influenced by all the "dumb blonde" jokes."
Some time later the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You’re finished already?" he asked.
"Yes" the blonde replied, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."
Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the five ten pound notes.

"And by the way," the blonde added, "it’s not a Porch, it’s a Jaguar."

[Sam.]

One night a guy takes his girlfriend home.

As they are about to kiss each other goodnight, the guy starts feeling a little horny. With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and, smiling, he says to her: "Darling, would you give me a blow job?"

Horrified, she replies "Are you mad? My parents will see us!"

Him: "Oh come on! Who’s gonna see us at this hour?"
Her: "No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?"
Him: "Oh come on! There’s nobody around, they’re all sleeping!"
Her: "No way. It’s just too risky!"
Him (horny as hell): "Oh please, please, I love you so much?!?"
Her: "No, no, and no. I love you too, but I just can’t!"
Him: "Oh yes you can. Please?"
Her: "No, no. I just can’t"
Him: "I beg you ... "

Out of the blue, the light on the stairs goes on, and the girl’s little sister shows up in her pyjamas, hair dishevelled, and in a sleepy voice she says: ’Dad says to go ahead and give him a blow job. Otherwise I can do it. Or if need be, dad says he can come down himself and do it. But for f*ck sake! Tell him to take his hand off the intercom...’

[Sam.]

Two deaf people get married and during the first week of marriage they find
that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom with the lights out since they can’t see each other signing, or their lips to lip-read. After several nights of fumbling around and many misunderstandings, the wife figures out a solution.

"Honey, why don’t we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don’t want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast two times."

The husband thinks this is a great idea. He suggests to his wife if she wants to have sex with him, reach over and pull on his willy one time. If she doesn’t want to have sex, pull on his willy two hundred and fifty times.

[Fleka]

One night a guy takes his girlfriend home.

As they are about to kiss each other goodnight, the guy starts feeling a little horny. With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and, smiling, he says to her: "Darling, would you give me a blow job?"

Horrified, she replies "Are you mad? My parents will see us!"

Him: "Oh come on! Who’s gonna see us at this hour?"
Her: "No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?"
Him: "Oh come on! There’s nobody around, they’re all sleeping!"
Her: "No way. It’s just too risky!"
Him (horny as hell): "Oh please, please, I love you so much?!?"
Her: "No, no, and no. I love you too, but I just can’t!"
Him: "Oh yes you can. Please?"
Her: "No, no. I just can’t"
Him: "I beg you ... "

Out of the blue, the light on the stairs goes on, and the girl’s little sister shows up in her pyjamas, hair dishevelled, and in a sleepy voice she says: ’Dad says to go ahead and give him a blow job. Otherwise I can do it. Or if need be, dad says he can come down himself and do it. But for f*ck sake! Tell him to take his hand off the intercom...’

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hwNXn-MhDWw

[Sam.]

A paperboy is doing his monthly round of collecting money from customers. One door is opened by a fairly sexy,buxom woman, who is wearing a transparent lace negligee.

"Hi Missus I’ve come for the paper money, it’s £5 please." says our boy, with his hand held out.

"I’m afraid I’ve no money in the house," the woman replies in a breathy voice, "but if you come in I’m sure I can think of something..."

So our lad goes in and the woman throws herself back on the fireside rug, pulling off the negligee, moaning "You can have ME instead..."

The kid sighs, takes off his bag, and then produces a dick that would be more in place on a stud bull. The woman is agog. Our lad then produces a load of big rubber rings from his bag, which he proceeds to stack around his giant knob.

"What are they for?" asks the woman.

"Oh, they’re just to make sure I don’t go all the way in when I shag you." replies the boy.

"To hell with them! implores the woman, "I’ll take all of you!"

Our lad replies...
"Not for five fucking quid you wont!"

[Bistnal]

This thread's still alive?

One night a guy takes his girlfriend home.

As they are about to kiss each other goodnight, the guy starts feeling a little horny. With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and, smiling, he says to her: "Darling, would you give me a blow job?"

Horrified, she replies "Are you mad? My parents will see us!"

Him: "Oh come on! Who’s gonna see us at this hour?"
Her: "No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?"
Him: "Oh come on! There’s nobody around, they’re all sleeping!"
Her: "No way. It’s just too risky!"
Him (horny as hell): "Oh please, please, I love you so much?!?"
Her: "No, no, and no. I love you too, but I just can’t!"
Him: "Oh yes you can. Please?"
Her: "No, no. I just can’t"
Him: "I beg you ... "

Out of the blue, the light on the stairs goes on, and the girl’s little sister shows up in her pyjamas, hair dishevelled, and in a sleepy voice she says: ’Dad says to go ahead and give him a blow job. Otherwise I can do it. Or if need be, dad says he can come down himself and do it. But for f*ck sake! Tell him to take his hand off the intercom...’

[Sam.]

There are these 3 vampires. The first vampire walks into a bar and says, "Bartender, give me a shot of blood."

The bartender gives him the shot of blood, the vampire drinks it, and leaves.

The second vampire walks into the bar and says, "Bartender, give me a shot of blood."

The bartender gives him the shot of blood, the vampire drinks it, and leaves.

The third vampire walks into a bar and says, "Bartender, give me a shot of water."
The bartender says, "Why do you want a shot of water?"
The vampire pulls out a dirty tampon and says, "Tea time."

[mdemaz]

Get ready for this sick joke..I bought a pair of 97 pants, and they fit yo.

[Sam.]

A man walks into an extremely posh restaurant, sits down and waves the waiter over. "I want to see the cocksucking motherfucking boss now!". Naturally the waiter is a bit taken aback and says:"Would you please refrain from from using that kind of language in here sir. I’ll get the manager as soon as I can."

When the manager comes over the bloke greets him with:" Are you the chicken fucking manager of this bastarding joint?"
"Yes sir I am but I would prefer it if you did not use that kind of language in this restaurant. There are respectable guests dining here."
The bloke retorts:"Screw you anus features. Where’s the fucking piano?"
The manager is a bit puzzled and the asks the man to explain himself.
"You stupid smelly dickhead are you fucking deaf or what? Where’s the twatting piano?"
"Ah", says the manager, "you’ve come about the pianist job we advertised in the paper."
"Too fucking right", came the reply.
The manager takes him over to the piano but begs him not to speak into the microphone. "Can you play any blues?"
The bloke starts to play the most beautiful blues ever heard. "That’s superb", gasps the manager. "What’s it called?"
"I want to shag your missus on the sofa but the springs keep hurting my knob-end"
The manager is a little perturbed. "Hmmm....well do you know any jazz?"
The man plays the most melancholy piece of jazz the manager has ever heard.
"What’s it called?"
"I wanked over the washing machine but my bollocks got caught in the powder drawer".
The manager is now a tad embarrassed. "Well do you know any romantic ballads?"
The bloke plays the most heart wrenching melody ever. "That was fantastic", crooned the manager. "What’s that one called?", immediately wishing that he hadn’t asked.
"Shagging sheep under the stars with the moonlight shining on my hairy ring piece".

The manager finds the pianist’s language totally repulsive but he is so moved by his music that he hires him on condition that he never introduces his songs. He agrees, and the arrangement goes swimmingly for a couple of weeks. Until one night when the pianist sneaks off for a wank. He nips off to the staff toilets, grits his teeth and starts buffing his banana. Just as he is coming he hears the manager shouting "Where the fuck is that pianist". So he whips up his trousers and returns to the piano and starts to play some more tunes.

After a couple of minutes a woman approaches him and whispers: "Do you know your bollocks and knob are hanging out of your trousers dribbling come all over your shoes?"

"Know it", replied the pianist, "I fucking wrote it!!"

[Sam.]

Here’s a truly heart-warming story about the bond formed between a little 5-year-old girl and some builders that makes you believe that we can make a difference when we give a child the gift of our time...

A young family moved into a house, next door to a building plot. One day a some builders turned up to start building a house on the empty plot. The young family’s 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers.

Eventually the builders, all of them gems-in-the-rough, more or less adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.

At the end of the week they even presented her with a pay envelope containing a couple of pounds. The little girl took this home to her mother who said all the appropriate words of admiration and suggested that they take the "pay" she had received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.

When they got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay cheque at such a young age. The little girl proudly replied, "I worked last week with the men building the house next door to us."

"My goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working on the house again this week, too?"

The little girl replied, "I will if those arseholes at Jewson ever deliver the fucking bricks..."

Kind of brings a tear to the eye, doesn’t it?

[Sam.]

A man goes to the Doctor’s and says, "Doc, you gotta help me!"
The doctor says, "What’s your problem?"
The guy says, "Every morning I wake up with my "morning flagpole", give the missus a quick one, then go to work. On the way to work I car pool with the next door neighbour’s wife who gives me a blow job during the ride to work. Once I get to work I do some work and at morning tea time I go into the photocopy room and have it off with the one of the young office girls. At lunch I take my secretary out to a hotel and give her a good bonking. For afternoon tea I give the boss’s wife a good servicing. I then go home and slip the maid a few inches. Then at night I give the missus another screw."

Well", said the doctor, "What’s your problem?"

The guy says, "Well, it hurts when I masturbate..."

[Sam.]

A Scotsman phones a dentist to enquire about the cost for a tooth extraction

"85 pounds for an extraction, sir" the dentist replied.

"85 quid! Huv ye no’got anythin’ cheaper?"

"That’s the normal charge," said the dentist.

"Whit aboot if ye didnae use any anaesthetic?"

"That’s unusual, sir, but I could do it and would knock 15 pounds off."

"Whit aboot if ye used one of your dentist trainees and still without any anaesthetic?"

"I can’t guarantee their professionalism and it’ll be painful. But the price could drop by 20 pounds."

"How aboot if ye make it a trainin’ session, ave yer student do the extraction with the other students watchin’ and learnin’?"

"It’ll be good for the students", mulled the dentist. "I’ll charge you 5 pounds but it will be traumatic."

"Och, now yer talkin’ laddie! It’s a deal," said the Scotsman. "Can ye confirm an appointment for the wife next Tuesday then?"

[Sam.]

A husband tries his luck with his wife but she says "Sorry darling but I have an appointment tomorrow with my gynaecologist and I want to stay fresh."

The husband rolls over and thinks about this for a while then whispers "Do you have a dentist’s appointment tomorrow?"

[Sam.]

After days in the wilderness Paddy and Mick stumble into a bar in the wild west and ask for two beers. Unfortunately they’ve got no money and the barman won’t give them credit. Just then a bloke walks in with a Red Indian’s scalp on his belt. The barman shakes his head and says,"I hate Indians. Last week the bastards burnt my barn to the ground, raped my wife and killed my children. If any man brings me the scalp of a Red Indian I will give them 1,000 dollars."

The two Irishmen look at each other and then go off to find a Red Indian...
later that day they see one, and Mick throws a stone which hits the Red Indian on the head. The Indian falls off his horse but lands 70ft down a ravine. Paddy and Mick dash down into the ravine where Paddy starts scalping the Indian.

Suddenly Mick says,"Paddy look at this...."
Paddy says,"In a minute."
"No, look at this....,"says Mick.
"No, can’t ya see i’m fookin busy....."
Mick grabs hold of him and Paddy looks up and sees 5,000 Indians standing at the top of the ravine.

"Fook me," says Paddy, "we’re gonna be millionaires."

[the real slim shady]

"I've got some good news and some bad news" the doctor says. "What's the bad news?" asks the patient. "The bad news is that unfortunately you've only got 3 months to live". The patient is taken back, "What's the good news then Doctor?". The doctor points over to the secretary at the front desk, "You see that blonde with the big breasts, tight ass and legs that go all the way up to heaven?", the patient shakes his head and the doctor replies, "I'm fucking her."

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