Sick jokes

[Sam.]

A drunk was staggering down the main street of town. Somehow he managed to make it up the stairs to the cathedral and into the building, where he crashed from pew to pew, finally making his way to a side aisle and into a confessional.

A priest had been observing the man’s sorry progress and figuring the fellow was in need of some assistance, proceeded to enter his side of the confessional. But his attention was rewarded only by a lengthy silence.

Finally he asked, "May I help you, my son?" "

I dunno," came the drunk’s voice from behind the partition. " You got any toilet paper on your side?"

[the real slim shady]

After a grueling 24 hours of labour, a woman finally gives birth to her child. The doctor takes it from her into the next room for some quick checks, then retuns with the reults. He's very upfront with her, and tells her that the baby is dead.
The women realises what day it is, so she replies, "You sick bastard, you take April Fools too far!"
"Joke's on you, bitch," the doctor replies. "It's 12:01."

A man walks into a pub.
He is an alcoholic whose drink problem is destroying his family

Did you hear about the blonde who jumped out off a bridge?
She was clinically depressed and took her own life because of her terribly low self-esteem.

When a new day care centre for children opened near me they said it would be of benefit to the area.
Well I can vouch for that, my sex life has improved no end.

perhaps theyre a bit dark?

[the real slim shady]

After a grueling 24 hours of labour, a woman finally gives birth to her child. The doctor takes it from her into the next room for some quick checks, then retuns with the reults. He's very upfront with her, and tells her that the baby is dead.
The women realises what day it is, so she replies, "You sick bastard, you take April Fools too far!"
"Joke's on you, bitch," the doctor replies. "It's 12:01."

A man walks into a pub.
He is an alcoholic whose drink problem is destroying his family

Did you hear about the blonde who jumped out off a bridge?
She was clinically depressed and took her own life because of her terribly low self-esteem.

When a new day care centre for children opened near me they said it would be of benefit to the area.
Well I can vouch for that, my sex life has improved no end.

perhaps theyre a bit dark?

None of these is funny at all.

[Sam.]

Andrew is standing in line at a bus stop with the bloke in front announces that the next car to come arround the corner will be a blue ford fiesta. Sure enough it is.
"Next" he says "it will be a yellow Saab followed by a blue bmw."
Again the mans right.
"Now it’ll be a car transporter with a crushed orange ford escort, a blue corsa, and a black Freelander"
Again he’s spot on.
Andrew him asks him how he knew all this before it happened?
"Well" he says" I’m precognative, I can see the future"
"Cor, can you teach me to see the future?" asks Andrew
"Sure no problems just come with me back to my flat"

At the mans flat he gets Andrew to put a blindfold on then touch his toes. As Andrew is touching his toes, WHACK! the man slaps 2 pairs of hand cuffs on him, cuffing each wrist to an ankle. He then reaches round and pulls his trousers and boxer shorts down.
"Your going to buttfuck me now aren’t you?" Asks Andrew
"SEE!" replies the man "Its working already!!"

[mdemaz]

Hey sorry for the absence..
Here's some more shit.

One day, Little Suzy goes swimming in the lake with her grandmother. After they get out they go to shower.
“Grandma” Little Suzy asks, pointing between her grandmother’s legs. “What’s that?”
“Oh,” her grandmother replies. “That’s my beaver, dear.”

The next day Little Suzy goes swimming with her mother, and they go showering afterwards too. “Mommy, is that your beaver?” asks the girl.
“Er, yes it is, Suzy. Where did you learn that?” her mother answers.
“From Grandma. But I think hers is dead because its tongue was sticking out.”

[RainMan44]

Hey sorry for the absence..
Here's some more shit.

One day, Little Suzy goes swimming in the lake with her grandmother. After they get out they go to shower.
“Grandma” Little Suzy asks, pointing between her grandmother’s legs. “What’s that?”
“Oh,” her grandmother replies. “That’s my beaver, dear.”

The next day Little Suzy goes swimming with her mother, and they go showering afterwards too. “Mommy, is that your beaver?” asks the girl.
“Er, yes it is, Suzy. Where did you learn that?” her mother answers.
“From Grandma. But I think hers is dead because its tongue was sticking out.”

YOU'RE BACK!

Welcome back!

[mdemaz]

Here's a sick joke, me actually selling any psychical units....Bwahahaha...

A pregnant woman was at the hospital giving birth to her baby. The delivery was almost complete, and at long last, the doctor held up the newborn, cut the umbilical cord, and took a moment to look the baby over. Then without missing a beat, the doctor threw the child against a nearby wall with all of his might. The mother watched in shock as the baby slid to the floor with a sickening thud.
The nurses and orderlies stood-by aghast as the doctor proceeded to dribble the newborn around the room like a soccer ball before finally passing the baby through the door into the hall with a mighty kick. Everyone, including the fatigued mother, chased the doctor into the hall just in time to see him scoop up the infant and run down the coridor, stopping just long enough to bodycheck the child into the wall every so often.
At the end of the hall, the doctor gave a mighty leap and slam-dunked the baby into a nearby trashcan, giving himself a load roar of approval. Finally the now quite large awe-struck crowd caught up with the doctor. The mother was distraught and burst into tears.
“Why? Why in the name of God did you do that to my baby?” she cried.
The doctor replied: “I’m just joking with you! It was stillborn.”

[the real slim shady]

Here's a sick joke, me actually selling any psychical units....Bwahahaha...

A pregnant woman was at the hospital giving birth to her baby. The delivery was almost complete, and at long last, the doctor held up the newborn, cut the umbilical cord, and took a moment to look the baby over. Then without missing a beat, the doctor threw the child against a nearby wall with all of his might. The mother watched in shock as the baby slid to the floor with a sickening thud.
The nurses and orderlies stood-by aghast as the doctor proceeded to dribble the newborn around the room like a soccer ball before finally passing the baby through the door into the hall with a mighty kick. Everyone, including the fatigued mother, chased the doctor into the hall just in time to see him scoop up the infant and run down the coridor, stopping just long enough to bodycheck the child into the wall every so often.
At the end of the hall, the doctor gave a mighty leap and slam-dunked the baby into a nearby trashcan, giving himself a load roar of approval. Finally the now quite large awe-struck crowd caught up with the doctor. The mother was distraught and burst into tears.
“Why? Why in the name of God did you do that to my baby?” she cried.
The doctor replied: “I’m just joking with you! It was stillborn.”

[Marlo_The_Destroyer]

Life..

It's just an f in lie.

[Marlo_The_Destroyer]

Got home from work, was stinking hot and shouted through to the kitchen, "I'm going to grab a shower babe. Join me if you like!"

Three things I've learned from this.

1. Remember when you've booked a plumber.
2. Remember the days your wife works late.
3. Not all plumbers are straight.

[Marlo_The_Destroyer]

BBC News: Man who killed Wife was facing life sentence

Yeah, that's why he killed her.

[GenePeer]

Just found a folder I'd made on my Yahoo! email (pretty useless now) like five years ago. It's got tons of jokes so Imma be bombing this thread for the next few days...

Little Jonny walks into his parents bedroom and sees his dad giving his mum one. His dad just laughs, throws a pillow at him and shouts 'get out'.
A little while later, Jonny's dad hears a commotion coming from his son's room. He rushes in, and is horrified to see Jonny shagging his grandmother - Jonny looks at him and says, "not so fuckin' funny when it's your mum is it?!"

A bloke walks into a Glasgow library and says to the librarian, "Excuse me Miss, dey ye hiv ony books on suicide?"
To which she stops doing her tasks, looks at him over the top of her glasses and says, "Fook off, ye'll no bring it back!"

Three women were in the waiting room of a gynecologist, and each of them was knitting a sweater for their baby-to-be. The first one stopped and took a pill.
"What was that?" the others asked her.
"Oh, it was Vitamin C. I want my baby to be healthy."
A few minutes later, another woman took a pill.
"What was that?" the others asked.
"Oh, it was iron. I want my baby to be big and strong."
They continued knitting. Finally the third woman took a pill.
"What was that?" the others asked her.
"It was thalidomide," she said, "I just can't get the arms right on this fucking sweater!"

A man walked into a patent office with an apple and said "I'd like to put a patent on this apple."
The guy looked at him and said "You're crazy the apple has been around for years."
The man says "Try this apple, it's special."
He hands the apple to the guy at the desk and the guy takes a bite and says "Wow that taste like pineapple."
The man says "Turn it a little and take another bite."
So the guy at the desk does and says "Wow that taste like an orange, I think we can patent this."
The men are sitting and talking while filling out paperwork and the guy behind the desk has a smirk on his face and says "Too bad you can't make one that taste like pussy."
The man looks at him and smiles, he takes a big bright red apple out of his pocket and says "Take a bite of this one."
The guy at the desk takes a big juicy bite then starts spitting it out and says "That taste like shit!"
The man looks at him and says "Turn it a little."

So fucking stupid

What do a Christmas tree and priest have in common?
Their balls are just for decoration.

What does an epileptic wear on his t-shirt?
"Help me! I'm not breakdancing."

What's the difference between light and hard?
You can sleep with a light on!

Top 10 unintentionally worst URLs
Everyone knows that if you are going to operate a business in today's world you need a domain name. It is advisable to look at the domain name selected as others see it, and not just as you think it looks. Failure to do this may result in situations such as the following (legitimate) companies who deal in everyday humdrum products and services but clearly didn't give their domain names enough consideration:
1. A site called 'Who Represents' where you can find the name of the agent that represents a celebrity. Their domain name...wait for it... is http://www.whorepresents.com
2. Experts Exchange, a knowledge base where programmers can exchange advice and views at http://www.expertsexchange.com
3. Looking for a pen? Look no further than Pen Island at http://www.penisland.net
4. Need a therapist? Try Therapist Finder at http://www.therapistfinder.com
5. Then of course, there's the Italian Power Generator company... http://www.powergenitalia.com
6. And now, we have the Mole Station Native Nursery, based in New South Wales (that's in Australia): http://www.molestationnursery.com
7. If you're looking for computer software, there's always http://www.ipanywhere.com
8. Welcome to the First Cumming Methodist Church. Their website is http://www.cummingfirst.com
9. Then, of course, there are these brainless art designers, and their whacky website: http://www.speedofart.com
10. Want to holiday in Lake Tahoe? Try their brochure website at http://www.gotahoe.com

that's it for now...

[mdemaz]

Molestation Nursery..
XD

[Wallace]

I'm kinda perverted... I saw only the swearing in the name of the sites

But, who the hell is not pervert these days?

[Sam.]

A missionary gets sent into the deepest darkest Africa, and goes to live with a tribe there. He spends years with the people, teaching them to read, write, and the good Christian ways of the white man. One thing that he particularly stresses is the evil of sexual sin.

"Thou must not commit adultery or fornication!!!"

One day, the wife of one of the tribes’s noblemen gave birth to a white child. The village is shocked, and the chief is then sent by his people to talk with the missionary.

"You have taught us of the evils of sexual sin, yet here a black women gives birth to a white child. You are the only white man that has ever set foot in our village. I know what you’ve done!"

The missionary replies: "Oh, no, my good man - you are mistaken. What you have here is a natural occurrence, called an albino. LOOK IN YONDER FIELD! You see a field of white sheep, yet amongst them is one black sheep. Nature does this on occasion."

The chief pauses a moment, and then says, "Tell you what - you don’t say anything about the sheep, I won’t say anything about the kid."