Sick jokes

[the real slim shady]

Just might attempt..........

it could work... im trying to find a load of green paint to make it more believable, then i will try it

[mdemaz]

A father and his son go into the grocery store when they happen upon the condom aisle. The son asks his father why there are so many different boxes of condoms. The father replies, "Well, you see that 3 pack? You'll need that when you're in high school. You'll have 2 for Friday night and 1 for Saturday night."

The son then asks his father, "What's the 6 pack for?"

The father replies, "Well, you'll need the 6 pack when you're in college. You'll have 2 for Friday night, 2 for Saturday night, and 2 for Sunday morning."

"Well then," replies the son, "what the heck would anyone ever do with a 12 pack?"

The father answers, "That's for married folks, son. You'll need 1 for January, 1 for February..."

[Sam.]

A father and his son go into the grocery store when they happen upon the condom aisle. The son asks his father why there are so many different boxes of condoms. The father replies, "Well, you see that 3 pack? You'll need that when you're in high school. You'll have 2 for Friday night and 1 for Saturday night."

The son then asks his father, "What's the 6 pack for?"

The father replies, "Well, you'll need the 6 pack when you're in college. You'll have 2 for Friday night, 2 for Saturday night, and 2 for Sunday morning."

"Well then," replies the son, "what the heck would anyone ever do with a 12 pack?"

The father answers, "That's for married folks, son. You'll need 1 for January, 1 for February..."

Posted already .

The Internal Revenue Service decides to audit Paddy, and summons him to an appointment with the most thorough auditor in the office. The auditor is not suprised when Paddy shows up with his accountant.

The auditor says, "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I’m not sure the IRS finds that believable."

"I’m a great gambler, and I can prove it," says Paddy."How about a demonstration?" The auditor thinks for a moment and says, "Okay. You’re on!"

Paddy says, "I’ll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye." The auditor thinks a moment and says, "No way! It’s a bet." Paddy removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor’s jaw drops.

Paddy says, "Now, I’ll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye."The auditor can tell Paddy isn’t blind, so he takes the bet Paddy removes his dentures and bites his good eye. The stunned auditor now realises he has bet and lost three thousand dollars, with Paddy’s accountant as a witness.

He starts to get nervous."Would you like to go double or nothing?" Paddy asks. "I’ll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk and pee into that rubbish bin on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between."

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there’s no way Paddy can manage that stunt, so he agrees again. Paddy stands beside the desk and unzips his trousers, but although he strains like hell, he can’t make the stream reach the bin on other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor’s desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a big win.

But Paddy’s accountant moans and puts his head in his hands. "Are you okay?" the auditor asks. "Not really," says the accountant. "This morning, when Paddy told me he’d been summoned for an audit, he bet me $20,000 that he could come in here and piss all over your desk and that you’d be happy about it!"

[Fleka]

The Internal Revenue Service decides to audit Paddy, and summons him to an appointment with the most thorough auditor in the office. The auditor is not suprised when Paddy shows up with his accountant.

The auditor says, "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I’m not sure the IRS finds that believable."

"I’m a great gambler, and I can prove it," says Paddy."How about a demonstration?" The auditor thinks for a moment and says, "Okay. You’re on!"

Paddy says, "I’ll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye." The auditor thinks a moment and says, "No way! It’s a bet." Paddy removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor’s jaw drops.

Paddy says, "Now, I’ll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye."The auditor can tell Paddy isn’t blind, so he takes the bet Paddy removes his dentures and bites his good eye. The stunned auditor now realises he has bet and lost three thousand dollars, with Paddy’s accountant as a witness.

He starts to get nervous."Would you like to go double or nothing?" Paddy asks. "I’ll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk and pee into that rubbish bin on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between."

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there’s no way Paddy can manage that stunt, so he agrees again. Paddy stands beside the desk and unzips his trousers, but although he strains like hell, he can’t make the stream reach the bin on other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor’s desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a big win.

But Paddy’s accountant moans and puts his head in his hands. "Are you okay?" the auditor asks. "Not really," says the accountant. "This morning, when Paddy told me he’d been summoned for an audit, he bet me $20,000 that he could come in here and piss all over your desk and that you’d be happy about it!"

[Sam.]

A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. All of a sudden, he said out loud, Lord grant me one wish." Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice the Lord said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."

The man said, "Please Lord build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want."

The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of another wish, a wish you think would honour and glorify me."

The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel inside, what they are thinking when they give me the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say "nothing’, and how I can make a woman truly happy."

The Lord said, "You want two lanes or four lanes on that bridge?"

Women .

[mdemaz]

Steve is shopping for a new motorcycle. He finally finds one for a great price. The motorcycle is missing a seal, though, so whenever it rains Steve has to smear Vaseline over the spot where the seal should be.

Steve’s girlfriend is having him over for dinner to meet her parents one evening. He drives his new motorcycle to his girlfriend’s house.

She is waiting outside for him when he arrives. "No matter what happens at dinner tonight, don't say a word. Our family had a fight a while ago about doing the dinner dishes. We haven't done any since... and the first person to speak at dinner has to do them."

Steve sits down for dinner and soon notices that his girlfriend wasn’t exaggerating. It is just how she described it. Dishes are piled up to the ceiling in the kitchen and nobody is saying a word. Steve decides to have a little fun. He grabs his girlfriend, throws her onto the table and has sex with her in front of her parents. His girlfriend is a little flustered, her father is obviously livid, and her mother is horrified. Yet, when Sdteve and his girlfriend resume their placs at the dinner table, nobody says a word.

A few minutes later, Steve grabs his girlfriend’s mom, throws her onto the table and does a repeat performance. Now his girlfriend is furious, her father is boiling, and her mother is a little more pleased. But still, there is complete silence at the table.

Suddenly, there is a loud clap of thunder and it starts to rain. Steve remembers his motorcycle outside and so he jumps up and grabs his jar of Vaseline.

With a look of terror in his eyes, the girlfriend’s father backs away from the table and exclaims, "Okay, enough already, I'll do the damn dishes!"

[the real slim shady]

^^

[Ku53v]

You don't need a parachute to skydive, you need a parachute to skydive twice

[mdemaz]

When someone says:

" You don't know Jack Schitt..." Now you'll know the rest of the story

Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt and Oh Schitt, Awe Schitt the fertilizer magnate, married Oh Schitt, the owner of the Knee-deep Schitt Inn.

Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt and they produced 6 children.

Holy Schitt, their first, passed on shortly after birth. Next came twin sons, Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt; two daughters, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt; and another son, Bull Schitt.

Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school drop out. Dip Schitt marries Lotta Schitt and they have a son Chicken Schitt.

Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt married the Happens brothers. The Schitt - Happens children are Dawg Schitt, Byrd Schitt and Horace Schitt.

Bull Schitt just married a spicy little number, Pisa Schitt and they are awaiting the arrival of Baby Schitt.

Now you know Jack Schitt.

[Sam.]

A middle aged woman is looking in the mirror one evening and says to her husband....

"GOD LOOK AT ME, I look fat, old and ugly. Please pay me a compliment"


"YER FUCKIN EYESIGHT IS SPOT ON" He says

[mdemaz]

Ways To Annoy Your Public Bathroom Stall-Mate:

1. Stick your open palm under the stall wall and ask your neighbor,
"may I borrow a highlighter?"

2. Say, "uh oh, I knew I shouldn't have put my lips on that."

3. Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with
a bodily function noise.

4. Say, "Damn, this water's cold."

5. Drop a marble and say, "Oh no! My glass eye!"

6. Say, "Hmmm, I've never seen that color before."

7. Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a
cantelope into the toilet bowl from a height of six feet. Sigh
relaxingly.

8. Say, "Now how did that get in there."

9. Say, "Humus. Reminds me of humus."

10. Fill up a large flask with Mountain Dew. Squirt it erratically
under the stall walls of your neighbor's while yelling, "Whoa! Easy
boy!"

11. Say, "Interesting............. more floaters than sinkers.'"

12. Using a small squeeze tube, spread peanut butter on a wad of
toilet paper and drop the wad under the stall of your neighbor. Then
say, "Whoops, could you kick that back over here please?"

13. Say, "C'mon Mr. Happy! Don't fall asleep on me now."

14. Fill a balloon with cream corn. Rush into the stall with your
hand over your mouth and let out a lengthy vomit impression while you
squeeze the balloon and splatter cream corn all about. Apologize
profusely and blame it on the fettucine alfredo you had for breakfast.

15. Say, "Boy, that sure looks like a maggott."

16. Say, "Damn, I knew that drain hole was a little too small. Now
what am I gonna do?"

17. Play a well known drum cadence over and over again on your butt
cheeks.

18. Before you un-roll toilet paper, conspicuously lay down your
"Cross-Dressers Anonymous" newsletter on the floor visible to the
adjacent stall.

19. Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall, adjust it so you
can see your neighbor and say, "Peek-a-boo!"

20. Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sing "Born
Free."

[the real slim shady]

12. Using a small squeeze tube, spread peanut butter on a wad of
toilet paper and drop the wad under the stall of your neighbor. Then
say, "Whoops, could you kick that back over here please?"

16. Say, "Damn, I knew that drain hole was a little too small. Now
what am I gonna do?"

one of my freinds saw i list like this a while ago and tried those 2
ththey worked out pretty well but then he tried another one...
he said "oh crap, its stuck in there", and the guy in the in the cubicle next to him said "let me take a look, i can sort it out"

[mdemaz]

What did the blonde say when she opened the box of Cheerios?

"Oh look! Doughnut seeds!"
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A beggar walked up to a well dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive and said "I haven't eaten anything in four days." She looked at him and said, "God, I wish I had your willpower." ==================================================
And Something To Offend Damn-Near Everyone...How can you tell who the Irish guy is in the hospital?

He's the one blowing the foam off of his bedpan.
======================
Where does an Irish family go on vacation?

A different bar. ==================================================
Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby?

They named him Sum Ting Wong.
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What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?

A speech impediment. ==================================================
What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half mast?

They're hiring.
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What do toilets, a clitoris, and an anniversary have in common?

Men miss them all.
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Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?

Breasts don't have eyes.
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Why isn't there any Puerto Ricans on Star Trek?

Because they're not going to work in the
future, either.
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Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?

He walks around saying, "Yo"
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What do you call an Alabama farmer with a sheep under each arm?

A pimp.
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Why do drivers education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?

Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.
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What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?

A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage, along with a recipe.
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What's the Cuban national anthem?

"Row, Row, Row Your Boat"
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What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?

A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..." A southern fairytale begins 'Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit..."

[Sam.]

A husband, tired of his wife asking him how she looks, buys her a full length mirror. This does little to help, as now she just stands in front of the mirror, looking at herself, asking him how she looks.

One day, fresh out of the shower, she is yet again in front of the mirror, now complaining that her tits are too small. Uncharacteristically, the husband comes up with a suggestion.
"If you want your tits to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper, and rub it between them for a few seconds."

Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper, and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her tits.
"How long will this take?" she asks.

"They’ll grow larger over a period of years," he replies.

The wife stops. "Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make them grow over the years?"

The husband shrugs. "Why not, it worked for your arse, didn’t it?"

[speckzo]

What's the difference between a dead baby and pizza?
I don't fuck my pizza before I eat it.