Sick jokes

[Sam.]

A guy on a date parks his car and gets the woman in the back seat. They make love, but the woman wants it again and the guy complies. She wants more so they do it again, but she still wants more. Exhausted, the guy says, “Excuse me a minute, I have to relieve myself.”

While out of the car he notices a man half a block away changing a flat. He asks the man, “Look, I’ve got this gal in my car and I’ve given it to her four or five times and she still wants more. I’ll change your flat if you’ll take over for me.”

So the man agrees & gets into the car. He is just getting into “high-gear” when a cop knocks on the window and shines a light on them.

The cop asks, “What are you doing in there?”

The guy says, “I’m making love to my wife.”

The cop asks, “Why don’t you do that at home?”

The guy answers, “To tell you the truth, I didn’t know it was my wife until you shined the light on her.”

[mdemaz]

Top Ten Reasons Hurricane Season is Like Christmas.

10. Decorating the house (boarding up windows).
9. Dragging out boxes that haven't been used since last season (camping gear, flashlights).
8. Last minute shopping in crowded stores.
7. Regular TV shows pre-empted for "specials."
6. Family coming to stay with you.
5. Family and friends from out-of-state calling.
4. Buying food you don't normally buy ... and in large quantities.
3. Days off from work.
2. Candles.

1. And the number one reason Hurricane Season is like Christmas...At some point you know you're going to have a tree in your house!

[embm]

A guy on a date parks his car and gets the woman in the back seat. They make love, but the woman wants it again and the guy complies. She wants more so they do it again, but she still wants more. Exhausted, the guy says, “Excuse me a minute, I have to relieve myself.”

While out of the car he notices a man half a block away changing a flat. He asks the man, “Look, I’ve got this gal in my car and I’ve given it to her four or five times and she still wants more. I’ll change your flat if you’ll take over for me.”

So the man agrees & gets into the car. He is just getting into “high-gear” when a cop knocks on the window and shines a light on them.

The cop asks, “What are you doing in there?”

The guy says, “I’m making love to my wife.”

The cop asks, “Why don’t you do that at home?”

The guy answers, “To tell you the truth, I didn’t know it was my wife until you shined the light on her.”

omg tats jus gr8

[Sam.]

This mangy-lookin’ guy goes into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says “No way. I don’t think you can pay for it.” The guy says “You’re right. I don’t have any money, but if I show you something you haven’t seen before, will you give me a drink?” The bartender says “Only if what you show me ain’t risque.”

“Deal!” says the guy, as he reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a hamster. He puts the hamster on the bar and it runs to the end of the bar, down a barstool, across the room, up the piano, jumps on the key board and starts playing Gershwin songs. And the hamster is really good. The bartender says, “You’re right. I’ve never seen anything like that before. That hamster is truly good on the piano.” The guy downs the drink and asks the bartender for another.

“Money or another miracle else no drink,” says the bartender. The guy reaches into his coat again and pulls out a frog. He puts the frog on the bar, and the frog starts to sing. He has a marvelous voice and great pitch, a fine singer. A stranger from the other end of the bar runs over to the guy and offers him $300 for the frog. The guy says, “It’s a deal.” He takes the three hundred and gives the frog to the stranger, who runs out of the bar with it. The bartender says to the guy, “Are you some kind of nut?! You sold a singing frog for $300? It must have been worth millions. You must be crazy!”

“Not so,” says the guy. “The hamster is also a ventriloquist!”

[mdemaz]

A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"

The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out, and suck your tits dry."

Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?"

He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."

[Sam.]

A salesman is driving his rental car through the countryside making his rounds when off to the side he sees a kid in a green pasture running around doing circles, figure eights, stop and goes.

As he looks closer the salesman notices that the boy is in fact chasing a wild rabbit. Just as the salesman is starting to put it all together the boy catches the rabbit, drops his trousers and starts fucking the rabbit!

The salesman’s shock of the incident almost causes him to run off the road. It takes some time for him to get over this as he decides to stop at a small country town and fill up with some gas.

Going down a side street in search of a gas station he notices a elderly man, a nude elderly man, swinging on this porch swing madly masterbating. Again the salesman is in complete shock having see the boy with the rabbit and now in town an old man masterbating in public.

The salesman finds his gas station and a full service one at that. The station attendant comes to his window and ask if he can be of service. The salesman says yes but interjects, inquiring about his experience of the boy fucking the rabbit and of the naked man on the porch swing as the salesman is very confused at this time.

After explaining the story the salesman asks, “Don’t you think that is a bit unusual about a boy fucking a rabbit and an old man jacking off in public on his porch swing?”

The service man exclaims, “Sir, you know as well as I that a 80 year old man can’t chase rabbits.”

[Rollimeo]

How is knocking up your girlfriend like locking your keys out of your car?

The problem goes away with the aid of a coathangar.


What's the difference between an onion and a dead hooker?

I cried when I cut up the onion.


How do you stop a baby crying?

Cum in its mouth.


What should you do if you find a woman lying in a ditch at the side of the road?

Ask her why she left the kitchen.

[Sam.]

One night Little Jimmy couldn’t sleep, so he goes and walks to his parents room. The door was opened up a crack. Little Jimmy looks in and sees his mother on top of the father bouncing up and down. So Little Jimmy, thinking they were busy, he went back to his bed and went to sleep.

The next morning, Little Jimmy asks his mother why she was bouncing up and down on Daddy. Suprised of what her son had said, the mother replies, “Ah, well your father is fat, so I thought I’d bounce on him, so he can lose some weight!”

Then Little Jimmy replies, “I don’t know why you do that for.” The mother asks, “Why!!!?”

Little Jimmy says, “Well because, every time you leave for work, the lady next door comes and blows him back up.”

[Rollimeo]

A little girl is watching her mum getting changed to go out for the evening.

"What are they?" she asked.

"Those are mummy's breasts," the mother replied.

"Will I get those?" came the next question.

"When you're a little older," answered the girl's mother.

"And what is that?" the little girl asked.

"That's mummy's vagina," the mother answered, a little embarrassed.

"When will I get that?"

"That will happen at around the same time you get your breasts. Now run along and let mummy change."

The little girl ran off into the next room where her father was getting changed out of his work clothes to relax for the evening.

"What's that thing, daddy?" asked the little girl.

"That's daddy's penis," he answered.

"When will I get one of those?" the little girl asked.

"In about an hour."

[Rash J]

Two elderly ladies were outside their nursing home, having a smoke, when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette and continued smoking.

The other lady asked, "What's that?"
The lady responded, "A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet."

"Where did you get it?" the other lady asked.
"You can get them at any drugstore."

The next day, the other lady hobbled herself to the local drugstore and asked the pharmacist for a box of condoms. The guy looks at her strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years old), but politely asks what brand she prefers.

She replied, "It doesn't matter as long as it fits a Camel."

The pharmacist fainted.

[remy3x]

Two elderly ladies were outside their nursing home, having a smoke, when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette and continued smoking.

The other lady asked, "What's that?"
The lady responded, "A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet."

"Where did you get it?" the other lady asked.
"You can get them at any drugstore."

The next day, the other lady hobbled herself to the local drugstore and asked the pharmacist for a box of condoms. The guy looks at her strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years old), but politely asks what brand she prefers.

She replied, "It doesn't matter as long as it fits a Camel."

The pharmacist fainted.

[embm]

Two elderly ladies were outside their nursing home, having a smoke, when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette and continued smoking.

The other lady asked, "What's that?"
The lady responded, "A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet."

"Where did you get it?" the other lady asked.
"You can get them at any drugstore."

The next day, the other lady hobbled herself to the local drugstore and asked the pharmacist for a box of condoms. The guy looks at her strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years old), but politely asks what brand she prefers.

She replied, "It doesn't matter as long as it fits a Camel."

The pharmacist fainted.

i like tat 1

[Sam.]

Two elderly ladies were outside their nursing home, having a smoke, when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette and continued smoking.

The other lady asked, "What's that?"
The lady responded, "A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet."

"Where did you get it?" the other lady asked.
"You can get them at any drugstore."

The next day, the other lady hobbled herself to the local drugstore and asked the pharmacist for a box of condoms. The guy looks at her strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years old), but politely asks what brand she prefers.

She replied, "It doesn't matter as long as it fits a Camel."

The pharmacist fainted.

epic

[Sam.]

A few days before his proctologic exam, a one-eyed man accidentally swallowed his glass eye. He was worried for awhile, but there were no ill effects, so he forgot about it.

Once he was in the doctor’s office, the man followed the doctor’s instructions, undressed and bent over. The first thing the proctologist saw when he looked up the man’s rear was that glass eye staring right back at him!

Taken aback, the doctor said, “You know, you really must learn to trust me.”

[remy3x]

A few days before his proctologic exam, a one-eyed man accidentally swallowed his glass eye. He was worried for awhile, but there were no ill effects, so he forgot about it.

Once he was in the doctor’s office, the man followed the doctor’s instructions, undressed and bent over. The first thing the proctologist saw when he looked up the man’s rear was that glass eye staring right back at him!

Taken aback, the doctor said, “You know, you really must learn to trust me.”