Sick jokes

[Sam.]

Linford Christie walks into the reception of a golf course and asks to play a round of golf. The receptionist looks around nervously and seeing the coast is clear says to him, "I’m really sorry but the owner here is really racist and if he sees you in here he’ll give you a load of abuse. I suggest you try the course just 10 minutes away, down the road".

Linford is furious and says, "Do you know who I am. I’m Linford Christie the sprinter. I raced for England, I used to be the fastest man on the planet".

The receptionist says, "OK, it’s five minutes away then".

[mdemaz]

Three old men were sitting around talking about who had the worst health problems.

The seventy-year old said, "Have I got a problem. Every morning I get up at 7:30 and have to take a piss but I have to stand at the toilet for an hour cause my pee barely trickles out."
"That’s nothing," said the eighty-year old. "Every morning at 8:30 I have to take a shit, but I have to sit on the crapper for hours because of my constipation. It’s terrible.
"You think you’ve got problems," said the Ninety-year old. Every morning at 7:30 I piss like a racehorse, and at 8:30 I shit like a pig." "So what’s the problem ?" ask the other two.

"I don’t wake up until 11:30 !!"

[Sam.]

A young man joined the Army and signed up with the paratroopers. He went though the standard training, completed the practice jumps from higher and higher structures, and finally went to take his first jump from an aircraft.

The next day, he called home to his father to tell him the news.

"So, did you jump?" the father asked.

"Well, let me tell you what happened. We got up in the plane, and the sergeant opened up the door and asked for volunteers. About a dozen men got up and just walked out of the plane!"

"Is that when you jumped?" asked the father.

"Um, not yet. Then the sergeant started to grab the other men one at a time and throw them out the door."

"Did you jump then?" asked the father.

"I’m getting to that. Every one else had jumped, and I was the last man left on the plane. I told the sergeant that I was too scared to jump. He told me to get off the plane or he’d kick my ass."

"So, did you jump?"

"Not then. He tried to push me out of the plane, but I grabbed onto the door and refused to go. Finally he called over to the Jump Master. The Jump Master is this great big guy, about six-foot five, and 250 pounds. He said to me, "Boy, are you gonna jump or not?’
I said, "No, sir. I’m too scared.’"

"So the Jump Master pulled down his zipper and took his old boy out. I swear, it was about a foot long and as big around as a baseball bat! "He said, "Boy, either you jump out that door, or I’m sticking this little baby up your ass.’"

"So, did you jump?" asked the father.

"Well, a little, at first............"

[mdemaz]

A king travels through the desert and discovers a man trapped under a big rock. He throws a rope around the rock and ties it to his horse and pulls the rock off the man. The man, grateful as he is, tells the king that he’s really a great sorcerer, and gives the king three wishes.

The king looks at the Sorcerer and says "OK, then I wish to be immortal", the sorcerer replies "It’s done." The king takes a knife and stabs himself and nothing happens.

Next the king says "OK, then I want my horse to be immortal.", the sorcerer replies "It’s done". The king, happy as can be, thrusts his sword into his horse and nothing happens.

Finally the king says "OK, then I want my horses genitals." The sorcerer replies "It’s done".

The king, overjoyed, jumps on his horse and rides back to his castle. At the drawbridge he meets his old friend Peter, jumps off the horse and declares that he’s now immortal. Peter laughs, but the king gives Peter his knife and says "Here stab me with the knife." Peter stabs the king as ordered and nothing happens, then the king shows Peter that his horse also is immortal. Keeping the best for last he says "Wait - just look at this" and the king drops his trousers.

Peter looks at the naked king and cries out loud "Well fuck my boots - that’s the biggest pussy I’ve ever seen..."

[Sam.]

So I parked my big 4x4 V8 in the disabled parking bay at Tesco. Some do-gooder shouted "Oi, what’s your disability then mate?!".

I shouted "Tourettes you fuckin wanker, now piss off !!!".

[mdemaz]

A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach. He had no arms and no legs. Three women were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man.

The first woman said, "Have you ever had a hug?"
The man said "No," so she gave him a hug and walked on.

The second woman said "Have you ever had a kiss?"
The man said "No," so she gave him a kiss and walked on.

The third woman walked over to him and whispered in his ear "Have you ever been fuckedd?"

The fellow looked up in amazement and said "No."
She said "You will be when the tide comes in."

[Fleka]

A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach. He had no arms and no legs. Three women were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man.

The first woman said, "Have you ever had a hug?"
The man said "No," so she gave him a hug and walked on.

The second woman said "Have you ever had a kiss?"
The man said "No," so she gave him a kiss and walked on.

The third woman walked over to him and whispered in his ear "Have you ever been fuckedd?"

The fellow looked up in amazement and said "No."
She said "You will be when the tide comes in."

[mdemaz]

There’s a new hire car available in Portugal.
It’s a small car and if you cant get all your kids inside you can fit one in the boot - it’s called the Renault McCann.

[Fleka]

Q: Why do women have faces?

A: So you know which pussy is yours.

[mdemaz]

The makers of oxo cubes have today informed us that they are to produce a red and white version celebrating England’s recent performances in there quest for qualification in the Euro 2008 competition.


They have decided to call it " THE LAUGHING STOCK"!!!

[Sam.]

A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach. He had no arms and no legs. Three women were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man.

The first woman said, "Have you ever had a hug?"
The man said "No," so she gave him a hug and walked on.

The second woman said "Have you ever had a kiss?"
The man said "No," so she gave him a kiss and walked on.

The third woman walked over to him and whispered in his ear "Have you ever been fuckedd?"

The fellow looked up in amazement and said "No."
She said "You will be when the tide comes in."

Already posted by me.

In 1993, the American Government funded a study to see why the head of a man’s penis was larger than the shaft. After one year and $180,000.00 they concluded that the reason the head was larger than the shaft was to give the man more pleasure during sex.

After the US published the study, France decided to do their own study. After $250,000.00, and 3 years of research, they concluded that the reason was to give the woman more pleasure during sex.

Limerick County Council, unsatisfied with these findings, conducted their own study. After 2 weeks and a cost of around $75.46, they concluded that it was to keep a man’s hand from flying off and hitting him in the forehead.

[mdemaz]

A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach. He had no arms and no legs. Three women were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man.

The first woman said, "Have you ever had a hug?"
The man said "No," so she gave him a hug and walked on.

The second woman said "Have you ever had a kiss?"
The man said "No," so she gave him a kiss and walked on.

The third woman walked over to him and whispered in his ear "Have you ever been fuckedd?"

The fellow looked up in amazement and said "No."
She said "You will be when the tide comes in."

Already posted by me.

I don't give a fuck.

Several men are in the changing room of a golf club. A mobile phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello."

WOMAN: "Honey, it’s me. Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes."

WOMAN: "I am at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. It’s only £1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"

MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2006 models. I saw one I really liked."

MAN: "How much?"

WOMAN: "£45,000."

MAN: "OK, but for that price, I want it with all the options."

WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing .....the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They’re asking £450,000."

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of £400,000. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 50 thousand. It is really a pretty good price."

WOMAN: "OK. I’ll see you later! I love you so much!!"

MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape.....

Then he smiles and asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"

[Sam.]

We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the Rules from the male side. There are our rules:-

Please note.... these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!

1. Breasts are for looking at and that is why we do it. Don’t try to change that.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You’re a big girl. If its up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don’t hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Saturday = Sports. Its like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport. and no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: subtle hints do not work! strong hints do not work! obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That’s what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem.
See a doctor.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

1. If you think you are fat, you probably are. Don’t ask us.

1. if something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. you can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colours, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a colour. Pumpkin is also a fruit.
We have no idea what Mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. if we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing’, we will act like nothings wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to, expect an answer you don’t want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.

1. Don’t ask us what we are thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics and Sex, Sport, or Cars.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.

1. Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know men really don’t mind that, its like camping.

Pass this to as many men as you can - to give them a laugh.

Pass this to as many women as you can - to give them an education.

[mdemaz]

Lord,
Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who’s not a creep,
One who’s handsome, smart and strong,
One whose willy’s thick and long.
One who thinks before he speaks,
When promises to call, he won’t wait weeks.
I pray that he is gainfully employed,
And when I spend his cash, won’t be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who will make love to my mind,
Knows just what to say, when I ask "How big’s my behind?"
One who’ll make love till my body’s a twitchin’,
In the hall, the loo, the garden and kitchen!
I pray that this man will love me no end,
And never attempt to shag my best friend.
And as I kneel and pray by my bed,
I look at the dickhead you sent me instead.
Amen.A BOYS PRAYER

Lord,
I pray for a girl with nice tits.
Amen.

[the real slim shady]

Several men are in the changing room of a golf club. A mobile phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello."

WOMAN: "Honey, it’s me. Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes."

WOMAN: "I am at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. It’s only £1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"

MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2006 models. I saw one I really liked."

MAN: "How much?"

WOMAN: "£45,000."

MAN: "OK, but for that price, I want it with all the options."

WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing .....the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They’re asking £450,000."

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of £400,000. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 50 thousand. It is really a pretty good price."

WOMAN: "OK. I’ll see you later! I love you so much!!"

MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape.....

Then he smiles and asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"