Sick jokes

[the real slim shady]

so did that guy get the job?

[mdemaz]

so did that guy get the job?

Yeah bro.

[Sam.]

I was asked to run a marathon and I said no chance.
Then I was told it was for spastic and blind kids and I thought "Fuck it i could win that!’

[mdemaz]

Three Scousers and three Mancs are travelling by train to a football match in London At the station, the three Mancs each buy a ticket and watch as the three Scousers buy just one ticket between them.
"How are the three of you going to travel on only one ticket?" asks one of the Mancs.
"Watch and learn," answers one of the Scousers.

They all board the train. The Mancs take their respective seats but all three Scousers cram into a toilet and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor arrives to collect the tickets. He knocks on the toilet door and says, "Ticket please."

The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The Mancs are mightily impressed by this, so after the game, they decide to copy the Scousers on the return trip and save some money.

When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip...To their astonishment, the Scousers don’t buy a ticket at all !!
"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" asks one perplexed Mancunian.
"Watch and learn..." says one Scouser.

When they board the train the three Mancs cram into a toilet and soon after the three Scousers pile into another nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterwards, one of the Scousers leaves the toilet and sneaks across to the toilet where the Mancs are hiding.

He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket please..."

[Sam.]

Sean Connery was interviewed by Michael Parkinson, and bragged that despite his 72 years of age, he could still have sex three times a night. Lulu, who was also a guest, looked intrigued. After the show, Lulu said, "Sean, if Ah’m no bein too forward, Ah’d love tae hae sex wi an aulder man. Let’s go back tae mah place."

So they go back to her place and have great sex. Afterwards, Sean says, "If you think that was good, let me shleep for half an hour, and we can have even better shex. But while I’m shleeping, hold my baws in your left hand and my wullie in your right hand."

Lulu looks a bit perplexed, but says, "Okay." He sleeps for half an hour, awakens, and they have even better sex. Then Sean says, "Lulu, that was wonderful. But if you let me shleep for an hour, we can have the besht shex yet. But again, hold my baws in your left hand, and my wullie in your right hand." Lulu is now used to the routine and complies. The results are mind blowing.

Once it’s all over, and the cigarettes are lit, Lulu asks "Sean, tell me, dis mah haudin yer baws in mah left hand and yer wullie in mah right stimulate ye while ye’re sleepin ?"
Sean replies, "No, but the lasht time I shlept with a Glashwegian, she shtole my wallet."

[mdemaz]

A Swede is drinking in a bar when he gets a call on his cell phone. He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear, and orders a round of drinks for everybody in the bar announcing his wife had produced a
typical Swedish baby boy weighing 25 pounds.

Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the Swede just shrugs, "That’s about average back home, folks......like I said, my boy’s a typical Swedish baby boy."
Congratulations showered him from all around, and many exclamations of "WOW"....one woman actually fainted due to sympathy pains.

Two weeks later he returns to the bar.
The bartender says, "Say you’re the father of that typical Swedish baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth. Everybody’s been making bets about how big he’d be in two weeks. So how much does he weigh now?"

The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds."

The bartender is puzzled, concerned, and a little suspicious. "What happened? He already weighed 25 pounds the day he was born!"

The Swedish father takes a long swig of Aquavit, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says.....
"We had him circumcised."

[Sam.]

When I was 18, I made the Australian Under 19s side to play the South African under 19s side as the curtain-raiser for the Australian Wallabies vs South Africa Springboks match at Cape Town.

That reminds me...

The other day I was at my local pub just having a few quiet beers by myself.

The door of the pub opened & in walked the most stunning woman I’ve ever laid eyes on. 5’9" tall, stunning blue eyes & bee-stung lips framed by silky blonde hair, an hourglass figure barely covered by hotpants and a flimsy cotton top. As far as I could tell, she wore no bra nor needed one.

After watching her walk in & silently cursing myself for hitting every branch when I fell out of the ugly tree, I turned back to my beer. No sooner have I taken a sip but movement catches my eye & I turn to see her pulling another bar stool up close to me & sitting down.

She said hi, I managed to stammer out a reply. She asked how I was going while taking my hand & placing it on her perfect inner thigh, rubbing it up & down.

"So, do you feel good," she asked.

"*cough* *choke* Erm, yeah," I replied, staring unbelievably at where my hand was.

"I’ll bet you feel good," she continued. "In fact, I’ll bet you’ve never felt this good before."

"Well, I have," I corrected her. "You see, when I was 18 I made the Australian Under 19s side to play the South African under 19s side as the curtain-raiser for the Australian Wallabies vs South Africa Springboks match at Cape Town. Running out in front of at that stage 25,000 rugby-mad South African fans? Yeah, I have felt this good."

I immediately bit my tongue for saying this & figured I’d blown whatever slim chance I had with her. She took my hand off her thigh & put it up the front of her top. Her nipple pushed into my palm as she massaged my hand into her pert, perfect breast.


"How do you feel now," she purred.

"Great," I replied enthusiastically.

Again, she said, "I’ll bet you do. In fact, I’ll bet you’ve never felt THIS good before!"

"Well, I have," I again replied. "In that game, we were down by six points with about 10 seconds left in the match. The South Africans kicked the ball deep into our half of the field, where I caught it. I ran upfield, side-stepping past the first few South African defenders, palmed off a couple of would-be tacklers, burst through a few forwards, chipped over their fullback, regathered & scored under the posts as the fulltime siren went. We were still behind by one point, but I had the easiest of goal-kicks left with which to win the match - I could have thrown it over I was that close. As I walked out to take the kick in front of what had grown to about 50,000 fans, savouring the moment, I felt 20 feet tall. So yeah, I have definitely felt this good."

She got a bit miffed at this and pulled my hand from under her top, then thrust it down the front of her pants. My fingers immediately met what felt like a papercut framed by a wisp of cotton candy, and she was wet.

She snapped, "Well tell me this, smartass: Have you ever felt such a cunt?"

"Yup," I answered, "I missed the kick."

[mdemaz]

A man goes into a shop and starts looking around. He sees a washer & dryer but there is no price listed on them. He asks a salesman who says, "Five pounds for both of them."
"Yeah right, you’ve got to be joking!" the man says.
"No, that’s the price," the salesman says, "Do you want to buy them or not?"
"Yeah, I’ll take them," the man says. He continues to look around and sees a car stereo system with a detachable face cassette player, a CD changer, amplifier, speakers.
"How much?" he asks.
"Five pounds for the system, including installation" the salesman says.
"Is it stolen?" the man asks incredulously.
"No," says the salesman, "It’s brand new, do you want it or not?"
"Certainly," the man says. He looks around some more. As the salesman is ringing up the purchases, the man asks him, "Why are your prices so cheap?"
The salesman says, "Well, the owner of the shop is at my house right now with my wife, and what he’s doing to her,... I’m doing to his business!"

[Sam.]

The only thing that Gordon Brown has not taxed yet is the male penis. This is due to the fact that 40% of the time it is hanging around unemployed, 30% of the time it is hard up, 20% of the time it is pissed off and 10% of the time it is in the hole. On top of that, it has two dependents and they are both nuts.

Effective April 6th, 2003, the penis will be taxed according to size. The brackets are as follows:
10 - 12" Luxury Tax £30.00
8 - 10" Pole Tax £25.00
5 - 8" Privilege Tax £15.00
4 - 5" Nuisance Tax £3.00

Males exceeding 12" must file under capital gains.
Anyone with less than 4" is eligible for a refund.

PLEASE DO NOT ASK FOR AN EXTENSION!!!

[Sam.]

A family had the grandmother living with them. They loved having her around, but got to the stage where they felt they couldn’t look after her as well as she deserved. After much soul searching, they looked for and found a wonderful nursing home. They took the grandmother along, and left her for a day to see how she liked it.

She chatted to the existing residents, the staff, etc. It seemed good. She was delighted to be sat on the patio looking at the wonderful gardens, talking to residents & staff, playing bridge and being treated to tea, biscuits, snacks, etc.

Whilst sitting there, she slowly started to lean to the left. The staff immediately came along, straightened her up, and asked if she was OK. She insisted she was.

Ten minutes later, she slowly started to lean to the right. Again the staff came along, straightened her up and enquired if she was OK with the old lady insisting everything was fine.

This happened a number of times throughout the rest of the day. At teatime, the lady’s family turned up and asked her how the day had went.

"Ooh its lovely here, I really like it" she said, "Mind you, they won’t let you fart!"

[mdemaz]

At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
By the ugly slapper that was lying by my side.
I would’ve drunk a little less, I would’ve tried to keep my head,
If I’d known for just one second you’d assault me in your bed.

I tried to go, walk out the door.
But you’ve been sitting on my legs and I can’t feel them anymore.
And now you’re sitting on my face, my nose has vanished - not a trace.
I only hope that you’re big knickers aren’t made of liquorice lace.

I want to go, I’ve got to leave.
Before your fat and naked body makes me bend over and heave.
Only hope that no one saw me walking home with such a slut.
God the things that you get up to when you’re half cut.

I can’t believe, I’m lying here.
It’s all "cos of that fucking evil drink that we call beer.
You can Sod your beer goggles, shit I must have been blind,
To mistake that Hoover dam for a sexy young behind.

Please let me go, I’m getting scared.
There’s nothing I can do to stop those ugly breasts from being bared.
I think that I must have been mad, God what made me want to court her?
With tits that look like Tesco bags I’ve just filled up with water.

It’s time to go, run out the door.
She’s started hinting she wants sex on her dirty lino floor.
I don’t think there’s anything worse
Than the al-co-hol-lics curse.

[Sam.]

A virile, middle aged Italian gentlemen named Guido was relaxing at his favorite bar in Rome when he managed to attract a spectacular young blonde woman. Things progressed to the point where he invited her back to his apartment and, after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he rattled her senseless. After a pleasant interlude he asked with a smile, "So, you finish?"

She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, "No."

Surprised, Guido reached for her and the rattling resumed. This time she thrashed about wildly and there were screams of passion. The sex finally ends and, again, Guido smiles and asks, "You finish?"

Again, after a short pause, she returns his smile, cuddles closer to him and softly says, "No."

Stunned, but damned if he was going to leave this woman unsatisfied, Guido reaches for the woman yet again. Using the last of his strength, he barely manages it, but they end together screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets. Exhausted, Guido falls onto his back, gasping. Barely able to turn his head, he looks into her eyes, smiles proudly and asked again, "You finish?"




Barely able to speak, the beautiful blond whispers in his ear, "No, I Norwegian."

[Sam.]

A bloke gets a call at work to say that his wife has just gone into labour so he needs to head to the hospital immediately. Unfortunately, on the way, he gets stuck in heavy traffic so by the time he gets there he’s missed the birth.

He stands there on the maternity ward absolutely devastated and about to cry when the midwife says to him, "Don’t worry sir, you may have missed the birth of your newborn son but you can have the honour of giving him his first ever bath."

The man is elated as he is handed his son for the very first time. "Go through those doors over there sir and I’ll be with you in just a few moments". A few minutes later the midwife walks through the doors to find the man with his fingers up the baby’s nostrils, dragging him through the bath in a figure of eight. "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING??? THAT IS NOT HOW YOU BATHE A BABY!!!" Screams the midwife...

"It is when the water’s this fuckin hot love"

[mdemaz]

A family had the grandmother living with them. They loved having her around, but got to the stage where they felt they couldn’t look after her as well as she deserved. After much soul searching, they looked for and found a wonderful nursing home. They took the grandmother along, and left her for a day to see how she liked it.

She chatted to the existing residents, the staff, etc. It seemed good. She was delighted to be sat on the patio looking at the wonderful gardens, talking to residents & staff, playing bridge and being treated to tea, biscuits, snacks, etc.

Whilst sitting there, she slowly started to lean to the left. The staff immediately came along, straightened her up, and asked if she was OK. She insisted she was.

Ten minutes later, she slowly started to lean to the right. Again the staff came along, straightened her up and enquired if she was OK with the old lady insisting everything was fine.

This happened a number of times throughout the rest of the day. At teatime, the lady’s family turned up and asked her how the day had went.

"Ooh its lovely here, I really like it" she said, "Mind you, they won’t let you fart!"

[Sam.]

^

An old Indian Chief sat in his Hogan on the reservation, smoking a ceremonial pipe and eyeing two U.S. government officials sent to interview him.

"Chief Two Eagles" asked one official, "You have observed the white man for 90 years. You’ve seen his wars and his technological advances. You’ve seen his progress, and the damage he’s done."

The Chief nodded in agreement.

The official continued, "Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?"

The Chief stared at the government officials for over a minute and then calmly replied: "When white man found the land, Indians were running it. No taxes, No debt, Plenty buffalo, Plenty beaver. Women did all the work, Medicine man free, Indian man spent all day hunting and fishing, all night having sex."

Then the chief leaned back and smiled ... "Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that."