This quarter doesn't have your tail.

[Gummybur]

viewtopic.php?f=24&t=146105 LOF, just making sure I'm doing this right.

Remember when you moved in my home?
When you corrupted my innocence at 9 years old?
How about when you forced the first swear out of me? You said if I didn't you would tell everyone I sucked my thumb and slept with a stuffed bunny?
When I got cornered by my friends, and you helped me as if I'm over madeup and your my new benz?
Because big guy, I don't need your protection.
You expect to make me cry, and still call you my cousin?
You called me 2 months ago crying you had a drug addiction.
Well I hope you like ABC, because I'm not chewing this shit again.

[Slim Fiasco]

I like how you're directly addressing a person in your rhymes, and it's good that you're dropping pieces often cause the more you write the better. I'd suggest some improvements though. Like, this line:

You said if I didn't you would tell everyone I sucked my thumb and slept with a stuffed bunny

It's too long and I don't think it rhymes well with "swear out of me". Try to make your line not to be very longer than the previous one.

Because big guy, I don't need your protection.
You expect to make me cry, and still call you my cousin?

Here, you must have a rhyme for protection. I don't know if you intended that with "addiction" later on, but make sure to not leave an unrhymed line. Or at least, make it a one-liner and have 2 rhymes within one line. For example something like this:

You want to make me cry, well I want to make you die.

[Gummybur]

I like how you're directly addressing a person in your rhymes, and it's good that you're dropping pieces often cause the more you write the better. I'd suggest some improvements though. Like, this line:

You said if I didn't you would tell everyone I sucked my thumb and slept with a stuffed bunny

It's too long and I don't think it rhymes well with "swear out of me". Try to make your line not to be very longer than the previous one.

Because big guy, I don't need your protection.
You expect to make me cry, and still call you my cousin?

Here, you must have a rhyme for protection. I don't know if you intended that with "addiction" later on, but make sure to not leave an unrhymed line. Or at least, make it a one-liner and have 2 rhymes within one line. For example something like this:

You want to make me cry, well I want to make you die.

Thanks for the feedback Slim Fiasco, I got into writing 2 weeks ago. I don't have that flow, and that's the problem I have, I'm more into using my metaphor in every piece I write, which could easily spoil other pieces. Just stupid little metaphors that I feel like I can't use. "Keep my self sustained like I'm Mrs. Dracula when she menstruates". Sometimes I get a bit down on it because I'm not sure if I'm where I really feel I am in this game. Thanks again for that feedback, I guess I need to work on the flow more, anyone have petite tampons?

[Slim Fiasco]

Oh, that's understandable then. I have a long thread giving advices to beginner rappers, you should definitely check it out: viewtopic.php?f=29&t=142636

YOu're welcome for the feedback, and remember that it takes time for your skills to improve.