Brainstorm (Freeverse)

[Slim Fiasco]

I rarely write on English, but here is a little something I did. Thanks to name for inspiring me to pick up a pen. Though I actually wrote this one in my head before I fell asleep last night, and since I always get confused with the native pronunciations of words, some of the rhymes/wordplay turned out not to work, but who cares. I obviously didn't make this with a beat, so the flow may be hard to pick up at some places, but just go with it.

Link of feedback - viewtopic.php?f=24&t=145979&p=1920874#p1920874

I’m the one The Roots cloned, but my thoughts are white
“Suck it dry, bitch!” – That’s the first thing I taught your wife
The father of spy kids, and the father of a jedi
The force is with me, I use it to choke hoes like Whitney until they die
Cause they be on some coke and I don’t like that style of life
Plus I always feel provoked when my jokes don’t fly
But all jokes aside, I’m here to steer some controversy
Bite rhymes from Em, cause today I retired his jersey
So who’s to say that I’m more sane than Sadam Hussein
When he first played Max Payne with no pills to kill the pain?
Or I guess no Method Man to listen to
Lyrics are my super-power, this is how the X-Men do
I’ve never been high so they hate me in the underground
But they’ll never be high again, cause I’ve put those morons under ground
I live in a Jurassic Park, they label me Thesaurus (*)
I hook you with ideas, never blinking like the eye of Sauron’s (*)
Always thinking how to make you keen on thinking
So when ships start sinking your ass won’t be on the deck sitting
Weeping, whispering in disbelief: “They will never help me”
You were being stupid, and now you know being stupid isn’t healthy
My heart makes me wealthy, richer than the bitchass retards
Thinking they can reach love just by being with some bitches
That can make a dick hard?
So yeah, all that glitters isn’t gold
But I bet you you will find it all – if you dig inside my soul

*I thought Dinosaurs was spelled as Dinosaurus so that is one the lines that doesn't work, lol. And I also don't think that it rhymes with "Sauron's" either.

[mdemaz]

Pretty cool, keep it up, dude.

[Slim Fiasco]

Pretty cool, keep it up, dude.

Thanks man, I appreciate that. Let me know if you ever need some feedback from me.

[mdemaz]

I haven't really been flaunting my writing lately, I've been doing it in secret.
:O

[Slim Fiasco]

I haven't really been flaunting my writing lately, I've been doing it in secret.
:O

Haha, that's cool then. Just write the verses to a beat so that you practice your flow in a better way. I do that with lyrics on my native language...

[Slim Fiasco]

You pretty much nailed it with the review name, I am aware and agree with the good and bad points. That jedi rhyme sounded good in my head, but I couldn't really flow it right when I had it written in front of me. The reason I left it is because I wasn't feeling like fixing it. Also, "the jokes don't fly" part doesn't go very well there either.

I think that's my favorite part of it as well. Plus it ties in with the biting rhymes from Em part, because that string of rhymes right there is essentially the same as Em's in Role Model, when he goes on with "explain to my brain..."

Unfortunately, that wasn't a Kanye reference, haha.

It is indeed. It reminds me of Nas's opener in Deja Vu/Verbal Intercourse. Sounds cool as hell.

I know right, haha. I was disappointed when I realized it doesn't work. I can easily fix it with putting "I revolve around meaning" instead of the Jurassic Park part, but it's not as cool as it would've been.

And thanks man, I appreciate that, specially since it's coming from you! I'm having more and more fun with experimenting on English so I'll probably be dropping more pieces. I'll have a lot more free time from Friday on too, so that's a big plus. The only drawback is that I've been trying to write my verses (on my own language) to have a rhyme on the snares, and that limits my freedom with wording ideas. It's not a problem on Macedonian, but it is on English. So I guess, I'll be dropping acapella verses that unfortunately don't have that good of a flow.

[Slim Fiasco]

And you should definitely write more yourself. We have similar tendencies and I enjoy reviewing your stuff.

[Mr.DGAF]

For not writing in English primarily, this is pretty impressive. There's some nice rhymes at times and some pretty decent wordplay. Can't really fault you much, name pointed out all the things I was going to say regarding structure/flow problems. Cool stuff man.

[Slim Fiasco]

Thanks man, I appreciate that! And yeah, as I said, the flaws are obvious but hopefully it'll be better next time.

[Gummybur]

But all jokes aside, I’m here to steer some controversy
Bite rhymes from Em, cause today I retired his jersey
So who’s to say that I’m more sane than Sadam Hussein
When he first played Max Payne with no pills to kill the pain?

I was stoked on that. I remember being a kid and wondering what that sound was when he'd regain hp. Haha!! That was a grab my testicle and run in circle moment for me.

[Slim Fiasco]

But all jokes aside, I’m here to steer some controversy
Bite rhymes from Em, cause today I retired his jersey
So who’s to say that I’m more sane than Sadam Hussein
When he first played Max Payne with no pills to kill the pain?

I was stoked on that. I remember being a kid and wondering what that sound was when he'd regain hp. Haha!! That was a grab my testicle and run in circle moment for me.

Haha, great game indeed. I'm yet to play the new one though.