Been a While

[dmnelson0351]

It's been a while since I've done this. But here goes. Feedback wanted.

EDIT: Structure

She has a look that can make you see into outer space
a girl displaced and thrown into the hate that this world has
seemingly placed to be her fate.
She tastes sorrow,
she doesnt have time to think about her tomorrow.
She's in it for the now,
throws punches and swings round for round
This life has placed her in a bad spot,
she slings rock and all her talents been tossed,
out the window, widowed.
What used to be a grin and a glow on her face
has been replaced with pain and noticable hate.
When she was younger she had her life made,
now she cannot escape the upbeat fast paced race
that life has thrown in her face.
She drops to her knees, pleaing to the sky,
but like other days she hears no reply.
No help from the Lord,
no piercing armor, no sword.
She swore to her mother that she would make it in this world,
but to much drama has begun to swirl, taking her for a whirl.
She's been tossed and thrown from home to home.
No home to call home. No hope to find happyness.
Shes been seeing a therapist, but the goal was a hit an miss.
Her attitude has become more relentless, she aint sensitive,
shes grown up in a cruel world a world thats added fuel to the fire,
she's in dire need of a friend,
but she sees her self being friendless till the end.
The end.

I'm still learning how to properly structure my writings, actually putting pen to pad is somewhat new to me. Most of my shit is just jots on a note pad, no actual form to it or anything.

Feedback viewtopic.php?f=24&t=146439

[dmnelson0351]

Give someone else feedback or this'll be locked. Post the link of feedback in your post. Thanks.

I gave feedback on another post, I'm just waiting for it to get approved so I can link it to my thread.

[Sam.]

Seemed more like a Spoonfull inspired verse, basically your content led me to this conclusion. Because, if I look at it from that point of view, shit flows perfectly. Content's presentation was very flat, but close to being decent. Study poetry, it will teach you how to fit your thoughts properly in a bar, without flooding it with less/more syllables. It would help in the presentation thang too.