Glow Sticks and Hoe Licks

[Kill You]

viewtopic.php?f=24&t=153831&p=2110389#p2110389

The stoic poet and I didn't even know it
So sick, my pole stick needs an hoe's lick
Get low chick and blow dick
Take that glow stick you got from the club, stroke it
Oh shit, you broke it to my flow, bitch
I don't spit slow, I told you to get low
Like that Ludacris song goes and your thong is gold
And my bong is low on ganja and I'm in need of some 'mo
I speed on the road, until I lose control
Tragedy unfolds, I just fucked up and lost my soul
Now my car's flipped upside down
Can't get up right now because my back gave out
And now red and black keep my head intact
I'm dead infact like conservatives would put lead in fags
But don't worry about me baby, crazy doesn't die but I'm a ghost now
I'm homebound and I'm not talking about heaven, I'm talkin' Motown
My flow sounds smooh like running water
Please don't call me father, you're not my daughter
Screaming "Daddy, daddy!", you dumb, like you just broke your dang toy
I'll leave this hoe destroyed then get comfortably numb like Pink Floyd
Don't tempt me or I might turn you into mince meat
Pinch me because this shit can't be real
Because you and I both know I have the sex appeal of Seal!


Even though I did come up with it, I have a feeling someone said the Motown shit before...not sure though. Anyway, no beat yet but I feel like the structure is a little better than my other ones.

[SliK]

You're improving, but here's a tip (and I don't even do this really but as a beginner it will help your structure and flow) try to match up the amount of syllables per line. You'd be doing some Above The Law "smother that little mother fucker till it suffocates" kind of rapping to fit some of your lines in a bar. And other times you'd be rapping too slow just to fill the bar out.

Since I kind of see your recent drops as practice I feel like you're still figuring out your own limitations. You're still exploring different rhymes and different concepts, imagery, wording, etc. you should pick an idea or a concept for your next drop and write 16 bars (average length of a verse.. Not too long that people lose interest but enough to be able to make a point) on a specific topic, and practice expanding your ideas instead of condensing them into one liners.

Just my two cents.

[SliK]

Oh and Check out my post in the CW lounge and read everyone's first drop and see just how much everyone has inproved with practice and constructive criticism, then post your own. You can come back in a year and compare, I'm sure you'll notice a big improvement.

[Kill You]

I will take that into consideration.

I think you're right, I'm trying to find different rhymes and ideas because it's still new to me. But thanks man it actually means a lot. I feel like I'm trying so hard to rhyme that I kind of add pointless ones.