RAGE - Cage

[IBasicallyRage]

LoF: viewtopic.php?f=24&t=159463

**Okay so... first post in the CW section.. Honestly I just wrote this.. not my best, but I wanted to see what you would all say. If I receive okay feedback, I'll post something else. This is fairly short aswell! Thanks P.S. Read it kind of fast.. lol**

I basically rage, when I'm facing the cage,
I'm barking like a dog with mange
Bars on each side of the stage
Fog brings the dark
My vision sharp, eyes darting
Insision in my mind
Waiting for the mark
From shin to my spine, I feel the spark
The bitch had to go and nark on me
How about I send a tree up her fucking pussy?
She's probably full with glee
Because she left me, with my heart torn and empty,
Forlorn and full of pity
She'll never see what I've came to be,
Belittled and unable to break free, through
Blamed me for shit I didn't do, bitch it's fuckin true,
I'll beat you with my 16 inch shoe
Black and blue, all over
Head to toe covered
Lock away my past in a cupboard
Throw away the key and end my suffer.

[PAINKILLƎR]

This was pretty good for a first piece m8. It flowed well to me. One thing is I noticed the rhyming was pretty simplistic. Try adding some more multis next time like when you rhymed left me/empty... That was nice. This was pretty nice though. Good drop.

[IBasicallyRage]

This was pretty good for a first piece m8. It flowed well to me. One thing is I noticed the rhyming was pretty simplistic. Try adding some more multis next time like when you rhymed left me/empty... That was nice. This was pretty nice though. Good drop.

Thanks bro. And I realized the rhyming was very simplistic, each line was ending with end rhymes. Kiddie stuff. I have quite a few peices with multis, don't worry. I'll drop another probably tomorrow.

[Just Silver]

Good shit reminds me of my first piece lol tbh
They flow was pretty easy to find simplistic but still fun to read

Just up the complexity and your golden

But of course practice your strong points

[IBasicallyRage]

Good shit reminds me of my first piece lol tbh
They flow was pretty easy to find simplistic but still fun to read

Just up the complexity and your golden

But of course practice your strong points

Thanks Silver! And Ofcourse! The next piece you read from me will be Golden, I guarantee.

[Just Silver]

Oh yea that's one thing that could've helped a lot its the structure definitely lacking but it's easy to learn

It will help your flow to be more complex as you learn the basics

[Snakebeast]

Unlike the other guys, I'm not really sure what the flow on this is ._. but anyhow, I like how this verse, once again, made complete sense, and you even managed to toss in some rhymes that I didn't see on the first glance i.e. forlorn/torn, empty/left me.

All in all, a great verse. Liked your other one a bit better though

[IBasicallyRage]

I'll be the dude that gives negative feedback not cus I'm hating it is just how I felt..

U must be a beginner because this looked so basic to me, nothing flowed at all for me, the rhyming was below average as well.

I felt there was no structure in your verse, I didn't like it all...u also had 21 lines usually bars are in couplets and it should end with an even number.

My suggestion to you is to go back to the basics and maybe post a little in the cypher section in CW until you are more comfortable in writing a verse.

Anyway keep writing you will only improve with time.

It's cool man, I understand, and I know this isn't good. Lol Thanks Bigray!

Unlike the other guys, I'm not really sure what the flow on this is ._. but anyhow, I like how this verse, once again, made complete sense, and you even managed to toss in some rhymes that I didn't see on the first glance i.e. forlorn/torn, empty/left me.

All in all, a great verse. Liked your other one a bit better though

Thanks Snake! I'll post better.