My first Verse

[slim sherif]

Ok, Ive never written a song or freestyle or a poem in my life untill now, and I'm not sure what to call this, Ive written the words that kinda rhyme in the middle in Bold, and put commas to know the little pauses, and the normal rhyming is clear so i didnt highlight it, anyway here it is:

Please God, tell me what I have done?
To feel lost, and all my senses gone
To be tossed, with all these skeptical thoughts
To feel alone, and no one else to trust
I've tried my best, to stay on top of stuff
But now it seems, that none of it was enough
And how I dreamed, that whatever kept me tough
Backfired at me, and finally caught my bluff
Cuz what is real, is far from what I've thought
And now the deal, is bigger than I have got
Inside I feel, that I could beat this but
The wounds won't heal, and I am only stuck
My heart is key, to have this cage unlocked
But mind seals, and has all of it blocked
To be free, is what I only long
From this fear, that haunts me all along
I try to speak, but something seizes my tongue
And all the grief, unleashes in one song
I wanna sing, more than I've ever sung
But my night, has never ever been young
I probably should, now conclude my lines
With one of those, so called nursery rhymes
But that would be, the biggest of all my lies
That kept me, inside this awful disguise
And now I must, find a magical way
To just make, all my pain go away
Could I be sure, that this is what I gain?
If all I've done, simply goes in vain

PS: please give me feed back, the positive and negitive.

[Ka0t1c]

you've got great skills, keep doing what you do

I just don't like this part:

I probably should, now conclude my lines
With one of those, so called nursery rhymes

[slim sherif]

you've got great skills, keep doing what you do

I just don't like this part:

I probably should, now conclude my lines
With one of those, so called nursery rhymes

Thx for the feedback man, and yeah I was hesitating about that line too, but oh well Ill just have to keep practising

More feedback please!!

[Tash8]

how is this a freestyle?

[slim sherif]

how is this a freestyle?

Like I said Ive never witten anything in that form before, so I dont know what to call it, feedback please?

[Tash8]

k well freestyling is when you spit a verse with no writing, it just comes out

so yea it was pretty decent for your fist one, keep it up man

[slim sherif]

k well freestyling is when you spit a verse with no writing, it just comes out

so yea it was pretty decent for your fist one, keep it up man

Oh, ok, cuz I kinda thought that a freestyle was an unofficial song or a song with no chorus, anyway, thx for the feedback.

[Rain Matrix]

I just don't like this part:

I probably should, now conclude my lines
With one of those, so called nursery rhymes

try that nursery line shit in a battle u'll be ready about that time of LW3

[slim sherif]

I just don't like this part:

I probably should, now conclude my lines
With one of those, so called nursery rhymes

try that nursery line shit in a battle u'll be ready about that time of LW3

what do u mean exactly?, and what's LW3, does it stand for Loudon Snowden Wainwright III or what?, please explain what u meant?

[Tash8]

it stands for lyrical warfare 2, it's just a tournment for rap battles, there's one going on now.

[C-Game]

I just don't like this part:

I probably should, now conclude my lines
With one of those, so called nursery rhymes

try that nursery line shit in a battle u'll be ready about that time of LW3

what do u mean exactly?, and what's LW3, does it stand for Loudon Snowden Wainwright III or what?, please explain what u meant?

its Luscious Women 3.... 3 <-- the shape 3 depicts da shape of breasts...

lol...

its tourney bro...

[slim sherif]

Ok, since everybody dont like that "nusery rhyme" thing(including me), I changed it now to this:

"Can I pretend, and only close my eyes
Forget the truths and wave them all goodbyes"

Here is the whole thing after editing:

Please God, tell me what I have done?
To feel lost, and all my senses gone
To be tossed, with all these skeptical thoughts
To feel alone, and no one else to trust
I've tried my best, to stay on top of stuff
But now it seems, that none of it was enough
And how I dreamed, that whatever kept me tough
Backfired at me, and finally caught my bluff
Cuz what is real, is far from what I've thought
And now the deal, is bigger than I have got
Inside I feel, that I could beat this but
The wounds won't heal, and I am only stuck
My heart is key, to have this cage unlocked
But mind seals, and has all of it blocked
To be free, is what I only long
From this fear, that haunts me all along
I try to speak, but something seizes my tongue
And all the grief, unleashes in one song
I wanna sing, more than I've ever sung
But my night, has never ever been young
Can I pretend, and only close my eyes
Forget the truths, and wave them all goodbyes
But that would be, the biggest of all my lies
That kept me , inside this awful disguise
And now I must, find a magical way
To just make, all my pain go away
Could I be sure, that this is what I gain?
If all I do, simply goes in vain