My nation (should i keep going with this?)

by **Greeeeeeg69** » Jul 7th, '08, 14:12

Look at my nation of fans from my buisness
forget about George W. Bush and his mess
fuckin up the nation is his major priority
hes so stupid bet hed even wager authority
just to get to see a fucking dumb cartoon
bet at night him and cheney really love to spoon
so my nation of fans will come raiding in
I am never going to fucking quit my tirad
coming down on you like an elite sky raid
taking over this country and brain washing too
got camereas everywhere and im watching you
spreadin across this nation like the fucking flu
an epidemic that can never just simply dissapear
an acidemic acheivement that shall presevear
ill eat at you while you sleep in your bed
my thoughts and views may leave you off dead
turn you into another one of my elite soldiers
most of em have souls but you have sold yours
off to the devil to become my four star general
help me control my army, my war scared men are all
waiting for your command lets end this all now
go up to the white house dont even fucking bow
march in to Mr. Bushes room and throw him out
put him in his tomb call iraq with his doubt
ill sit in the room and take over the country
there wont even be any fucking vote counting
the world will be shaped to the way that i see
ignorance is public enemy #1, i am the key.

please put down feedback. i want to make this one really good.
might make it even into a song if you guys think its good enough

by **,-,'-{Bar}-',-,** » Jul 7th, '08, 14:27

you aint bad, you got structure and flow problems though.

just to get to see a fucking dumb cartoon
bet at night him and cheney really love to spoon
so my nation of fans will come raiding in
I am never going to fucking quit my tirad
coming down on you like an elite sky raid

the bolded line is out of place, it doesnt rhyme with either the above line or the below lines, and also doesnt inner rhyme with anything either.

taking over this country and brain washing too
got camereas everywhere and im watching you
spreadin across this nation like the fucking flu
an epidemic that can never just simply dissapear
an acidemic acheivement that shall presevear

by standard beats and stuff go in even numbers, you got a bar structure here of 3 (the bolded) witch will always sound out of place in 90% of hip hop always work in 2's or 4's, you can get more complex and work in 1's and 3's with inner line rhymes but id stay clear of that untill you got a more complex rhyme pattern in a normal structure then go for inner line rhyming and different bar structure, also in text its better to always go with 2 or 4 even with inner line rhymes coz its alot eisier on the eyes and better to read.

lyric wise, you got a concept that you stick with and keep good content, the rhymes are ok some bad some good. not many multi's that are worth mentioning. just keep it up :y:

by **Greeeeeeg69** » Jul 7th, '08, 14:32

thnx bro ill start fixen it up now :worship:

by **Kosovic** » Jul 7th, '08, 16:05

No you shouldnt.

by **Greeeeeeg69** » Jul 7th, '08, 17:19

kosovic is the biggest hater on trshady
he will never ever get a fine ass lady
calls me albainian like i should care
bet his daddy made him pull his hair
when he put those gerbils up his asshole
actin like hes all king of the castle
stupid poser, quit puttin up a hassle
cause i fucking look like im from brasil

by **gladimnotsoluble** » Jul 8th, '08, 01:31

I liked where you were going with My Nation

..you kind of ate it in the Kosovic diss..definitely wasn't feeling that last line

But no as for your original rhyme it's good, make sure it flows

One thing, the first line, I don't like how you rhymed business with mess, doesn't really work

But besides that it's good

Edit: Alright I saw how you did BUSINESS and HISMESS, so it actually works, but it still sounds a little strange

by **The Toy Soldier** » Jul 8th, '08, 05:55

does this have anything to do with ur favorite eminem song? i think it dooooooes!

by **Kosovic** » Jul 8th, '08, 12:28

I am not the king of the castle...i am the lord of the castle. Kings are for kingdoms you know.

by **Greeeeeeg69** » Jul 8th, '08, 15:55

nah i was listenin to white america and mosh
thye both kind alike the same thing

by **Kosovic** » Jul 8th, '08, 16:00

Greeeeeeg69 wrote:nah i was listenin to white america and mosh
thye both kind alike the same thing

Thats what he meant in the first place.

Website · by **Solace** » Jul 8th, '08, 22:22

Kosovic wrote:
Greeeeeeg69 wrote:nah i was listenin to white america and mosh
thye both kind alike the same thing

Thats what he meant in the first place.

lol

by **Kosovic** » Jul 8th, '08, 23:45

by **The Toy Soldier** » Jul 9th, '08, 00:02

by **Kosovic** » Jul 9th, '08, 00:13

more lol

by **The Toy Soldier** » Jul 9th, '08, 00:19

quintuple lawl

My nation (should i keep going with this?)

My nation (should i keep going with this?)

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Re: My nation (should i keep going with this?)

Re: My nation (should i keep going with this?)

Re: My nation (should i keep going with this?)

Re: My nation (should i keep going with this?)

Re: My nation (should i keep going with this?)

Re: My nation (should i keep going with this?)

Re: My nation (should i keep going with this?)

Re: My nation (should i keep going with this?)

Re: My nation (should i keep going with this?)

Re: My nation (should i keep going with this?)

Re: My nation (should i keep going with this?)

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