heres something i wrote

[neb121]

Here's a little something i wrote
for my grandma who passed away on March 5th 2005
I actually have a few songs for her. one im working on now thats going on my album.
she was my role model and pretty much my mother.so i thought i would share these two poems.


I watched as you lyed there in bed
thoughts and prayers were running through my head
i kept thinking this can't be the end,I remember all
the stuff you said,
That you would never give up and you would be here
for a long time
it was all a blur i couldn't think
every tear came with every blink
now that your gone it feels like a hole in my heart
nothing is the same my whole world is ripped apart
but its not goodbye ill see you at the gate
and the time will come when i can have a smile
on my face

Heres the other little poem/saying

it's impossible to write down the memories we shared

The number one grandma no one could compare

No one could ever take your place

And soon they'll come a day I can put a smile on my face

When I see you again, just know

This isn't the end,my grandma role model

But most of all best friend,

I want you to be the angel god sends

[Solace]

I watched as you lyed there in bed
thoughts and prayers were running through my head
i kept thinking this can't be the end,I remember all
the stuff you said,
That you would never give up and you would be here
for a long time
it was all a blur i couldn't think
every tear came with every blink
now that your gone it feels like a hole in my heart
nothing is the same my whole world is ripped apart
but its not goodbye ill see you at the gate
and the time will come when i can have a smile
on my face

Structure was bad, flow was messed up, some lines were longggg and then others were way too short. And then you also messed up the flow when you didnt rhyme anything with: "That you would never give up and you would be here"

4/10

it's impossible to write down the memories we shared
The number one grandma no one could compare
No one could ever take your place
And soon they'll come a day I can put a smile on my face
When I see you again, just know
This isn't the end,my grandma role model
But most of all best friend,
I want you to be the angel god sends

Make the structure better and more people will read. I read it, and it was better than the other thing you posted cause this was just a poem and it flowed better than the other one.

Keep trying.

[neb121]

^ thanks.

alot of times rappers don't rhyme every line. but make it rhyme when you rap it on audio. i do that sometimes. cuz when you rhyme everyline sometimes it dont sound good on audio. but thanks

[MC Anonymous]

^ thanks.

alot of times rappers don't rhyme every line. but make it rhyme when you rap it on audio. i do that sometimes. cuz when you rhyme everyline sometimes it dont sound good on audio. but thanks

....I would be critical but it's about your dead grandma.... so,
I'll say it was bad, and leave it at that.

[neb121]

ok. thanks for ur opinion and for not being mean bout it.

[Slim Zaddy]

Here's a little something i wrote
for my grandma who passed away on March 5th 2005
I actually have a few songs for her. one im working on now thats going on my album.
she was my role model and pretty much my mother.so i thought i would share these two poems.


I watched as you lyed there in bed
thoughts and prayers were running through my head
i kept thinking this can't be the end,I remember all
the stuff you said,
That you would never give up and you would be here
for a long time
it was all a blur i couldn't think
every tear came with every blink
now that your gone it feels like a hole in my heart
nothing is the same my whole world is ripped apart
but its not goodbye ill see you at the gate
and the time will come when i can have a smile
on my face

Heres the other little poem/saying

it's impossible to write down the memories we shared

The number one grandma no one could compare

No one could ever take your place

And soon they'll come a day I can put a smile on my face

When I see you again, just know

This isn't the end,my grandma role model

But most of all best friend,

I want you to be the angel god sends

the poem sounds good .. keep tryin ,, you're on the track ..

[neversnooze]

sorry to hear about your grandma. you should share something personal you two had and place it in your write, that way it stands out and becomes unique. sorry again!

[neb121]

^ thanks