rought draft

[,-,'-{Bar}-',-,]

the only diagnosis of my bars is sick
you throw your crowd in hypnosis coz your bars is shit
they say i dumb down when i elevate to much
leave burn marks on the tracks yall hate to touch
yall know im hard headed i take a punch like nothing
i got a hunch your crushin from the spit that im busting
right out of my bust lip they all thinking i much switch
to get any recognition joost recognise i wreck your mission
like jhonny english taking over from were bond was sittin
you know that im on my spit then on point like big ben
im as sick as eminem when he used to pop pills
im sorta like lil wayne but ive acutally got skills
now i bust ma rhymes without the arab money
ive got nae mer money leave the breakdowns broke
kill like dagger and cloke its no joke i provoke
when my flows spoke your raps go choke
like deapthroating your mic i speak up open in fight
the shine of light just sitting provoking the night



rough draft of my verse for a collad, feed appreciated

[James R.]

Flow was come and go. The lyrics didn't hit for me. They were extremely basic. Barely had any multies, only a few similies, no metaphors, nothing past maybe 3 syllables of rhyming at your shining moment in this verse. You can definitely come harder than this. I'd honestly say scrap the whole thing. You're comparing yourself to Lil Wayne... I mean I dunno if it's just me, but I'd have to rethink any verse where I thought that was cool to do. Wait for other replies because I may be completely off the mark on this, but I'd like to see a rewrite or at least some SERIOUS revisions. Keep practicing man.

[Slim Zaddy]

Flow was come and go. The lyrics didn't hit for me. They were extremely basic. Barely had any multies, only a few similies, no metaphors, nothing past maybe 3 syllables of rhyming at your shining moment in this verse. You can definitely come harder than this. I'd honestly say scrap the whole thing. You're comparing yourself to Lil Wayne... I mean I dunno if it's just me, but I'd have to rethink any verse where I thought that was cool to do. Wait for other replies because I may be completely off the mark on this, but I'd like to see a rewrite or at least some SERIOUS revisions. Keep practicing man.

nothin to feedback more than james does he covers the whole thing ,, i hve seen you write much better than that ...

[,-,'-{Bar}-',-,]

Flow was come and go. The lyrics didn't hit for me. They were extremely basic. Barely had any multies, only a few similies, no metaphors, nothing past maybe 3 syllables of rhyming at your shining moment in this verse. You can definitely come harder than this. I'd honestly say scrap the whole thing. You're comparing yourself to Lil Wayne... I mean I dunno if it's just me, but I'd have to rethink any verse where I thought that was cool to do. Wait for other replies because I may be completely off the mark on this, but I'd like to see a rewrite or at least some SERIOUS revisions. Keep practicing man.

thank you for proving my point lol long story

[James R.]

lol ok? glad I could be of service

[Ka0t1c]

i agree with James and also you should double check your spelling, i.e. "much" should be "must" (i think...)

[,-,'-{Bar}-',-,]

lol ok? glad I could be of service

freind not getting the concept of writing, i wrote this in about 4/5 minutes, and then they read it (lliked it) im like it sucks, so to prove it i posted it and told them it would get slated, then they were like "people on tr suck up your ass it wont get slated" so i proved to points right.

anywae as for the peice, i know it aint great lol, only lines in there ive actually thought of and would use

im as sick as eminem when he used to pop pills
im sorta like lil wayne but ive acutally got skills

^coz i like annoying my mates who love lil wayne

leave the breakdowns broke

^ coz i like the concept of milking the breakdowns (breakdown in the beats) hence leavine them broke.


thats like it lol

[Kez]

^ Well that explains it then

I lol'd at the Wayne line though

[Arabian Shady]

i suggest you change your opening lines, i mean if ur doin a collabo you might want to satrt off a little better, some to distinguish your style and ability, this opening is like - ayte
umm o yeh james was right on flow, you need to improve that as well, and maybe your creative spree as well,lol your shit is dope when you keep practicin, i seen that -its wiked
Peace bro