First verse I've ever wrote, wanting tips

[robollama]

OK my gimmick for rap is basically about being a mad/crazy doctor. Haven't thought up a rap name for myself yet but I'm workin on it Anyways seems like this verse would work better as a guest verse on something since it doesn't connect to anything. idk. just help me lol

Yeeaah, tides are surgin, the sky is black,
That means the head surgeon is back,
To attack your career I’m here purgin this track,
My shit impact like a spear, a smack to your virgin ear,
Chick check it this ain’t no slick singsong sing-a-long shit,
It ain’t get rich ringtone ring-a-ling spit,
Just need a bit of a lick on my dingdong ding-a-ling dick,
But really I’m here, to slice right open this cold bug that’s got the game infec-ted,
Grab my gear, my vice light broken splints old drugs and lame antisep-tic,
Hiphop aint dead I hear it coughin , yeah that’s why I only say that it’s sick,
Yeah you might fear it’s in a coffin but I’m on my way to the crypt,
Shit, missed the right gear and the fuckin floor fell outta this ford,
Had it floored flyin forward, is this my reward,
Damn a collision, what a sight, now I’m outta the door and into the night,
Time to explore, I take a tiny tour of the morgue,
Might perform an excision, a picture-perfect precision incision with a sword,
Bad decision to lemme outta that ward



Needs a lot of help I think, it's my first verse I've wrote and just wondering what exactly makes it bad and what kinda shit I should look out for next time or need to avoid.

[Yah-hah]

Yeeaah, tides are surgin, the sky is black,
That means the head surgeon is back,

1st thing I was the flow is off a bit. you should make it where is says surgeon is back, multi with like tides are surgin in fact. or watever so it sounds better. so it says

Yeeaah, tides are surgin in fact,
That means the head surgeon is back,
so it flows into your next multis. That being said it was actually pretty dope I enjoyed it

[robollama]

Yeeaah, tides are surgin, the sky is black,
That means the head surgeon is back,

1st thing I was the flow is off a bit. you should make it where is says surgeon is back, multi with like tides are surgin in fact. or watever so it sounds better. so it says

Yeeaah, tides are surgin in fact,
That means the head surgeon is back,
so it flows into your next multis. That being said it was actually pretty dope I enjoyed it

thanks. and yeah I tried to put multis where I could but didn't even think about rearranging the first two lines! You're right I do need help with my flow as well, it changes up way too much in this verse and sounds/reads choppy. Anyways it would have made it a lot better of an intro if I had rearranged like you said so that there's 3 lines ending in multis. more tips welcome ppl! help me out lol

[Edge]

not bad man... the flow is definently choppy though... now, im not usually big on structure but this structure needs to be fixed... i think if thats fixed a little than this will flow alot easier... but for ur first verse ever this is mad good... keep at it

[gutawafang]

You got good vocab man. That's a good start. And I quite like this piece man. It does not flow so well though. It's more like a poem to me but it's not poetic. LOL. The multis were quite good man.

Good job.

[robollama]

not bad man... the flow is definently choppy though... now, im not usually big on structure but this structure needs to be fixed... i think if thats fixed a little than this will flow alot easier... but for ur first verse ever this is mad good... keep at it

thanks for the compliments Any chance you could explain a little more about how I could structure it better? Like where it goes way out of line or something idk

[gutawafang]

not bad man... the flow is definently choppy though... now, im not usually big on structure but this structure needs to be fixed... i think if thats fixed a little than this will flow alot easier... but for ur first verse ever this is mad good... keep at it

thanks for the compliments Any chance you could explain a little more about how I could structure it better? Like where it goes way out of line or something idk

Structure is like building a tower.

Look at this.

...............
...
.............................
.........
....

And this.

.................
..................
...............
..................
.................

Which tower is more stable?

The second one. Hope I helped.

[robollama]

Thanks for both of the replies gutawa, they'll both hopefully help me make my next one better

[Edge]

not bad man... the flow is definently choppy though... now, im not usually big on structure but this structure needs to be fixed... i think if thats fixed a little than this will flow alot easier... but for ur first verse ever this is mad good... keep at it

thanks for the compliments Any chance you could explain a little more about how I could structure it better? Like where it goes way out of line or something idk

Structure is like building a tower.

Look at this.

...............
...
.............................
.........
....

And this.

.................
..................
...............
..................
.................

Which tower is more stable?

The second one. Hope I helped.

couldnt have said it better myself

[Yah-hah]

I would go with the first tower But thats just me

[robollama]

I would go with the first tower But thats just me

lol what?

Wrote my second verse, I'll post it up tomorrow though I'm too tired tonight had a 3 hour drive

[Fa-Q]

Yah is saying structure doesn't really matter...its kinda like tits...they could be fake, small, uneven, huge nipples, or whatever...as long as the pussy works then does it really matter...don't focus on structure...focus on your flow, and your multis and vocab...structure is definately last on the list...one day it'll just come...

[macdaddy019967]

if that is your first verse it is dope as fuck

[Yah-hah]

Couldnt have said it better

[Requiem]

good to see you finally posting on TR

i really liked this verse, and yea what the others said is good advice.

and u already know everything i've said about it, i mean its not like i can just walk across the hall and tell u