The Vicious Cycle

[MikeNUFC]

Pretty straight forward concept. I was thinking of asking if anyone wanted to collab with this concept but I couldn't really be fucked.

It flows pretty smoothly for me, but I can understood if you can't pick it up

Quick to criticise criminals but not the system that creates them
Start thinking sending them to pen is when any debate ends
Interrogate immigrants insisting that it's "our country"
But accept them when they're needed, delivering your lunch (jeez)
Sitting their comfy, "Oi love, pass us The Sun please"
And your seething with every word, unaware it's a dumb read
"This isn't even funny, every paki is scum, taking our money!"
And the twisted 'facts' seem to back up your attack
This ignorant view, not based on any 'sickening truth'
Just a shitty excuse for you to sit and abuse
"I'm not racist but..." - course you are, don't try and deny it
It's like saying "I'm not an arsonist, I just like to light shit"
Media start it with words, turning issues of races into tension
Government adding fuel to the fire, giving no space or intervention
Facing to more tension and in the process more criminals
Back to the start of this cycle, where no-one wins at all

viewtopic.php?f=24&t=109653

[Maybe]

The topic of this verse is top-notch material, and it managed to hold my interest thoroughly; it's best I mention that I have the attention span of a retarded mongoose. So, that's a nice accomplishment in itself.

The flow, however, was crowded, which although an unfortunate turn of events, actually suited the content and didn't disturb an otherwise story-float verse.

This ignorant view, not based on any 'sickening truth'
Just a shitty excuse for you to sit and abuse

This part I quoted above proves that you're capable of basic "rhyme and go" material, and the fact that you choose to use distinguishable lines along with the generic 'must have, or run of the mill' quotable's, further proves your ability as an artist.

This is one of the better pieces I've had a chance to read here, and I'd like to be one of the first (or first, if nobody posts before my long ass comment) to say that you definitely have talent.

[MikeNUFC]

Thanks a lot of the detailed feed Maybe. It's much appreciated.

[Master Chief]

LOL @ the arsonist line.

Though a topic that I have limited knowledge on and one that I would usually categorize as boring (kind of ignorant from my part) was made more exciting and interesting because of your writing and the conversations you incorporated in your writing. This is something that I don't see or feel to often so on that.

I loved this line:

This ignorant view, not based on any 'sickening truth'
Just a shitty excuse for you to sit and abuse

It flowed perfectly and the rhyming on it was impeccable.

You could be the perfect political rapper haha

[-[Zach]-]

True words you wrote there, thats for sure. The flow seemed a little choppy in places (but I'm no expert haha) but the content of the piece definitely makes up for it. It was nice to read something that makes you think about our society.

Also, I'm with the other two, those "sickening truth" lines were straight fire

[MikeNUFC]

Cheers guys, it's appreciated.

[Block]

I loved the concept of this, bro. The imagery and points you made are awesome.

I do agree that the flow seems a little choppy in some places. From what I see, it's only due to a few syllables or words needing to be switched around or rhymes being spaced differently from each other (if that makes sense?). But the piece itself it pretty dope. I loved this line:

"I'm not racist but..." - course you are, don't try and deny it
It's like saying "I'm not an arsonist, I just like to light shit"

Like I said, the concept was dope and well executed.

[MikeNUFC]

Cheers man.

I was wondering if you could give me any tips on flow?

I rarely write to beats, and when I do, it takes me fucking ages to write something that flows to it. Obviously, this being text, I want people to be able to pick up a flow rather than only me getting it.

[mcZu]

Cheers man.

I was wondering if you could give me any tips on flow?

I rarely write to beats, and when I do, it takes me fucking ages to write something that flows to it. Obviously, this being text, I want people to be able to pick up a flow rather than only me getting it.

I always say that a piece of text shouldn't be criticized on how it flows, because it depends on how the author flows it. For all we know you stop somewhere, or you speed it up at some points or w.e. That's why, if you want to improve your flow, I would suggest to write to beats. The beat is what makes the flow. The placing of words around certain instruments is what defines the flow, in my book.

Of course, a piece of text on its own can have a certain flow that the readers might pick up. But that depends on your rhyme scheme --which initially should've been influenced by the instruments in a beat-- which in turn makes it for the reader easier to read.

That said, I enjoyed reading your verse. Subject matter is good, and you pulled it of pretty well. Especially by embedding conversations with these racists into your verse, pretty creative.
Rhyming was up to par, nothing to special, besides those lines posted before --the sickening/abuse line--, and your choice of words is getting better.

Good piece overall.

[Block]

It's basically what zu said, dude. For the most part, the instrumental and word placement makes the flow. I honestly can't explain how I do it. I would if I could. The best tip I can give you is to accentuate the vowels in the words you use, as you're writing them. This somehow makes your brain think of other words that have the same vowel sounds. (atleast it does for me) and that's not for rhyming as much as it is for the fluid like flow.

Like when I'm writing, say:

"She opened up the box in acceptance of her grandeur..."

I in my mind I accentuate the "a" sound of acceptance and the "a" sound in grandeur. I would probably go on to write:

"That's her, factor in the fact that what she said had never mattered..."

See how the "a" sound is still very prevalent? I'd then change rhyme schemes after that last line.

I my own experience, working on flow and rhyme scheme is 100% about writing to the right instrumental and accentuating at the right places in your mind. I hope I didn't lise you along the way, bro... Lol. If I did just pm me I'll try to explain better.

[MikeNUFC]

Nah I understand that. I was tryna use that assonance/cossanance in the first two lines of this. But it does sounds better in couplets I think.

I guess it's just practice as well, since I've never written to a beat more than about 2 times.

Cheers both of you, it's appreciated

[iain08]

I'm not racist but..." - course you are, don't try and deny it
It's like saying "I'm not an arsonist, I just like to light shit

I really like this line haha, good piece overall.