My competition entry. Feed?

[ChristinaE12]

Which happens to be my first ever 'song'.. Feed if ya want since we couldn't really do this in the other threads. And well.. Since I don't get to write much. I know I'm not that good.. but I can improve for sure. So yeah.


Thanks.



Tired of walking down this same old road aimlessly.
Tired of just sitting around so patiently.
My life is so full of shit, so why is it, from the outside all you see is this vacancy?
Why is it always just my mistakes you see?
Well fuck you and I say that shit shamelessly.
Tired of being stared at so fuckin' crazily...
Cause I don't believe, fully in your faith and see
God the way you see. So, I must be ill fatally..
Which that must mean I'm just an Atheist
and that mainly only makes me greatly pissed.
Cause I'm a bit different, I'm on Hell's Maybe List?
How come the good is always overlooked and strangely missed?
Sick of this.. Life.. Fuck. It's just a shady bitch.
And Society..Lately it makes me wanna lamely quit
Cause when in it, you don't fit, your plainly kicked
down and told you'll only ever amount to basically shit..
(So?)

If you were to die and leave this world today
Would there be any regrets,
Do you have things left to say
Would you have reason to be upset.
Or, did you leave a message for all to convey
Would you have left a mark or just a debt??

(Take my advice although this may sound a bit cliche
Always live your life to its fullest every single day....)

I was always told to not take life for granted
but damnit..how when bad shit is all your handed
in my life.. I cant stand it..or just sit stranded.
Why I'm about ready to give in, Quit gambling
but cant..Got a kid who needs my feet planted.
Have to get control of my life.. I demand it.
Get a hold of it all and finally command it.
Grab the world as if it's mine and leave it branded.
And damnit. I know it's, almost too late and I acknowledge it.
That is why I need to go to college quick
but only if I can get some grants and scholarships.
Instead I always have to worry bout how the next dollars spent
especially yesterday and all the talk and what the doctors meant
They don't know the problem or the cause of it
Just that the headache pain is only augmented.
Rest of my life take Norco's? Huh..Now pause a minute...

If you were to die and leave this world today
Would there be any regrets,
Do you have things left to say..
Would you have reason to be upset.
Or, did you leave a message for all to convey..
Would you have left a mark or just a debt??

(Take my advice although this may sound a bit cliche
Always live your life to its fullest every single day....)

(Outro)
..And if you think this only applies to me
there are millions of others who can relate and agree
Who probably feel the same and understandably
This fits them to a tee..
Cause there are millions of others just like me..


Link of Feed... viewtopic.php?f=24&t=102128#wrap

[ArsheyHaq]

"Which happens to be my first ever 'song'.."

Really?? I don't believe that haha you're good!

"I know I'm not that good.. but I can improve for sure."

Refer to my previous comment lol it seems like you've been writing for quite some time..at least that's what comes across to me


"Tired of walking down this same old road aimlessly.
Tired of just sitting around so patiently.
My life is so full of shit, so why is it, from the outside all you see is this vacancy?
Why is it always just my mistakes you see?
Well fuck you and I say that shit shamelessly.
Tired of being stared at so fuckin' crazily...
Cause I don't believe, fully in your faith and see
God the way you see. So, I must be ill fatally..
Which that must mean I'm just an Atheist
and that mainly only makes me greatly pissed.
Cause I'm a bit different, I'm on Hell's Maybe List?
How come the good is always overlooked and strangely missed?
Sick of this.. Life.. Fuck. It's just a shady bitch.
And Society..Lately it makes me wanna lamely quit
Cause when in it, you don't fit, your plainly kicked
down and told you'll only ever amount to basically shit.."

I really liked how you rhymed the whole thing through like that plus it had a lot of quotables! Have you heard of multi-syllabic rhyming? If not, look it up..you're definitely ready to excel with your skill by doing some of that

"I was always told to not take life for granted
but damnit..how when bad shit is all your handed
in my life.. I cant stand it..or just sit stranded.
Why I'm about ready to give in, Quit gambling
but cant..Got a kid who needs my feet planted.
Have to get control of my life.. I demand it.
Get a hold of it all and finally command it.
Grab the world as if it's mine and leave it branded.
And damnit. I know it's, almost too late and I acknowledge it.
That is why I need to go to college quick
but only if I can get some grants and scholarships"

^^^That was my favorite part of you piece^^^
It was very relatable and the rhyming was on point good work

All in all, I enjoyed reading your work. I can kind of tell you're just getting started in rhyming, but you're already really good. Just keep with it, and you'll be beast in no time lol

[ChristinaE12]

Thanks for the feed.


...And honestly this is my first ever "song". I have only ever written like 7 other pieces, that I put on here too. Which are all just like 1 verse though.. I'm definitely a newbie and got a lot of way's to go and improve. Bad thing is I write very sporadically. I may write for one week and not again for another two months. Which completely blows but hey. It's all just fun for me anyways.


But thanks again Arshey. Much appreciated.