Life

[Ivy]

This is how I viewed things, a while back...and I expressed myself through this.


I struggle to grasp the concept of life. Wether it's taking responsibility for my achievements or failures. I clutch my cure yet is slips out like a thief at night. I don't understand how I got this way. Looking from the outside in, I see I will bever be truly "okay." I'm on the verge of breaking down and no one is there to save me. I'm hurting from a wound that won't heal. I feel lost and forever in the darkness that swallows me. Someone's always there to point out my mistakes and hold them agaisnt me. I'm wasting my time, I've come so far but what do I have to show for it? A resentful attitude towards society and its critisism. Engless nights I've prayed to who evers out there and pleaded that I could find some one to relate to anything that has been put forth me. Judgement Day has been every day or the past few months. Everyone was all the things I thought I knew. All the memories I can recall have faded away. It was nice to know you were there and acted like you truly cared. It was nice to think I finally had it all, but then you just sat there and watched me fall. Thanks for showing me I was supposibly the only one. But then there was everything time kept secret, that was finally unlocked which brought out heaven and hell. I finally hit the wall and realized I'd never have it all, I never did to begin with. I've spent my whole life trying to forget the past that dwells behind me. Nobody knows how much I blame myself for the misfortunes I have faced. Life is short, but for me it was, actually is, gigantic and I don't have the strength to get up off my knees. People have taken everything away from me, but my soul is striving to get by. Everyone has the odasity to overpower me, but lately, I haven't taken any sh*t from no one. My body's screaming for relief and freedom. Things don't make since to me, especially right now. I'm horrified of how I feel inside. It seems as if everythings starting to fall apart. Alcoholism is affecting the relationship between my mother and me. There's certain lines you don't cross, yet everyone does whether it be my boundaries or emotions. I'm so pissed off and I'm not stoping to think before I act. People's problems, lies, manipulation, and guilt trip are weighing in on my consious. How I interpit what other's are saying, I don't know. What I do know is there are a lot of us gathered together in a secluded environement. Let someone answer to why I'm a rebellious individual. I'm proceeding to argue and differ from anyone's statements or remarks. Somethimes I wish someone would explain to me, who I am, because I'm not sure anymore. My shadow is the only one who stands beside me in this desolate location. I can tell you're watching me, wether I'm sitting alone or at rest. Why does everyone want to bring me down? I'm tired of people saying what they want to about me. I've been and going to do things my way, just like they are. I'm put under the pressure of impressing everyone else. Everything that you thought I'd be is diminishing right now and it's devastating you. I'm tired of being what others want me to be. Why are you mocking me and acting like I have no emotions? I've put my trust in you and you used it. But you don't really care do you? I'm drifting away and my heads spinning out of control. I feel there's nothing I can do. You took for granted everything I gave to you, my trust, emotions and my heart. I'm tired of looking around wondering where I'm supposed to be or who I am. I don't want to be anything other then what I truly am, but that's not good enough is it? My weakness is that I'm to giving. The scars I see when I look into the mirror shows me that this is reality. I tear my heart open, so I leave reality to go to my own "world." I sit and remember all the times you fought with me. It seems just like yesterday you were standing proudly beside me. Here I am again torn apart. I opened up and let you in. I'm broken up inside but you'll bever see the tears I shed. I'm so caught up in other's problems, that I blame myself. Deep inside I want to cry. But I'll get through this like I have before. I'm frightened even when someone's there. I've made it this far without my mother's blessings, she's who she is, and I don't understand that. I desperately want to be the little girl I was a few years ago, but that can never happen. So this is how my story ends.

[Ivy]

I always try, I really do...