The TRshady Forum became read-only in December 2014. The 10 year history will live on, in this archive.
Continue the discussion with the new home for the Eminem and Hip Hop discussion: HipHopShelter.com.

Freestyle

Want to share a poem, story or a moving article? Share creative literature text here.

Freestyle

Postby Blu » Sep 21st, '11, 04:58

Just fucked around on this piece. Trying to get the creativity back..
I'm stuck in a room with a tube of gas
Sittin' in the corner, stickin' lube in the ass
While I'm choking on poisonous gas
Last victim's, still makin' noise in his mask
Handcuffed, escapin' a mental facility
Haven't even rhymed for days
Hoping I still got some "ill" in me
Grab the shovel, time to bury some Jews
Tired of, hearin' about disfigured animals on the news
Cops got me on radar,
Time to get outta the batcave
Second I leave I feel a fat wave, of ganja
The smell of the smoke, I can tell it's a joke
That ain't the regular kind,
And I don't have the regular mind
I need some creativity, so I spark the herb
And get ready for blast off,
Cuz once I'm up, there's no coming down
You think I care after a hit, I'm dumbing down?
I'm layin' on a table with a slit wrist
And a bloody razor, hate bein' buried
There's always that, muddy flavor
But I can't go yet, I'm invincible
Purposely passin' notes, to see the prinicipal
I'm just a bad troublemaker,
Fuck it, I'm not in the mood,
Bitch, we can cuddle later
I've never called anyone this
But, it's my rap, so fuck off HATER!
Image
Almostlity wrote:Grow up faggots

EminemInsider wrote:Jesus Christ, HOW FUCKING STUPID ARE YOU PEOPLE?!?!?!?!?!
Blu
Band Leader
Band Leader
 
Posts: 5254
Joined: Mar 21st, '11, 08:15
Location: Under your bed.
Gender: Male

Re: Freestyle

Postby Sam. » Sep 21st, '11, 15:01

The 1st few lines are really creative but the rest were Mehhh and most of the bars didn't even rhyme . I advice you to practice Poetry to get that Creativity back.

Care to Return feed :
viewtopic.php?f=24&t=125784
[Rollefsen] - SajN retired, bitch got old, unlike Sams "ladies".
Image
Image
User avatar
Sam.
Bad Influence
Bad Influence
 
Posts: 16630
Joined: Jun 7th, '10, 11:10
Location: India
Gender: Male

Re: Freestyle

Postby Mr.DGAF » Sep 21st, '11, 21:23

It was okay. I liked a few lines, my favorite was "the ill in me" line. But the flow was a bit difficult to pick up on, and the rhyming wasn't really spectacular save for maybe a few lines.

Solid stuff though. Keep working at it, this is pretty good. :y:
You'd be surprised...
How many truths you can hide in flows

Image
Image
Quest for Six
Team Emma Stone
Buns till amazing... :')
User avatar
Mr.DGAF
Renegade
Renegade
 
Posts: 2349
Joined: Aug 15th, '11, 04:10
Location: In the back seat of your truck, with duct tape stretched out.
Gender: Male

Re: Freestyle

Postby Atone » Sep 22nd, '11, 09:58

i loled at some of the lines, this was ok, pretty good for somethin your just fuckin around with, like Sam said tho, some of ur bars didn't rhyme
Image
User avatar
Atone
Under The Influence
Under The Influence
 
Posts: 4855
Joined: Jun 1st, '10, 08:47
Gender: Male

Re: Freestyle

Postby RainMan44 » Sep 22nd, '11, 23:43

Love the first 4 lines and the "smell of the smoke/tell, it's a joke" rhyme :y:

Overall, this started good...then had it's good moments and, I wouldn't say "bad," but not so good moments. Not better than other parts.

It was not bad though, good piece to just get momentum buildin' again. :y:


Feed mine?


viewtopic.php?f=24&t=127043
"This dude doing this interview wants me to spin a few,
Lyrics while I tie my tennis shoes in the nude
A romantic interlude in a livin’ room,
In an inner tube with a dude with a bit of lube
Fuck that I’m sniffin’ glue, sippin' gin & juice,
And a little bit of paint thinner with my dinner too,
You better pay me for my bars like your rent is due,
Now hurry up and finish dude before I finish you."




GOAT
Image
User avatar
RainMan44
Soldier
Soldier
 
Posts: 1093
Joined: Nov 21st, '10, 08:51
Location: CA
Gender: Male


Return to Creative Writing



Who is online

Users browsing this forum: Bing [Bot]