Dreams From The Bottom

[JamaicanPattlez]

There once was a boy that nobody really liked,
Who would run from choices that your buddy immediately hypes,
And he always hated school because the kids were always dissin',
The same hallways made of tools who'd love to make a shiner glisten,
His father never liked him and his mother protected him,
He never bothered to enlighten him so he covered the best in him,
And he could never get a woman, no matter how hard he tried,
So he always put letters as an omen, hinting he wanted to die,
But one day he joked around about writing some lyrics,
Turns out he wrote one page and then finding fun in it,
So he's locked away in his room, trying to perfect his craft,
Dreaming he'll rock the fame soon, sighing "Who directs this crap?",
He would read the dictionary, he's fairly decent with vocabulary,
But it was scary when he'd rhyme terribly with married and Matthew Perry,
Fast forward nine months and he's got a mixtape coming soon,
It's funny how life busts your balls, look who everyone's running to?

This is a more personal piece, since a lot of my stuff is just imagination and whatnot. Made in like 20 minutes, so sorry if this seems a bit sloppy!

viewtopic.php?f=24&t=127043

[SG.]

I find it odd that your internals are more complex than your ending multis. Could've done with being a bit longer (perhaps a hook?). But still, good shit.

[JamaicanPattlez]

I find it odd that your internals are more complex than your ending multis. Could've done with being a bit longer (perhaps a hook?). But still, good shit.

Thanks! Yeah, I honestly have no real good skill with hooks, lol. I usually make ones that are lame haha. I gotta practice with that.

[Mr.DGAF]

Ah, man, I like this. Wasn't really feeling the first couple of lines too much, the first line and the second line didn't flow too well for me, but you hit a zone at the end. The last 6-8 lines are awesome, I really liked that.

[Man1x]

I find it odd that your internals are more complex than your ending multis. Could've done with being a bit longer (perhaps a hook?). But still, good shit.

Thanks! Yeah, I honestly have no real good skill with hooks, lol. I usually make ones that are lame haha. I gotta practice with that.

Your internals are better than your end rhymes, that contributes to flow but you may need to focus more on tying off the ends well. Other than that, good shit And hooks aren't that hard, what the key is to repeat and rhyme a lot, it has to have a deep message as well. You gotta say more in less.

[JamaicanPattlez]

Ah, man, I like this. Wasn't really feeling the first couple of lines too much, the first line and the second line didn't flow too well for me, but you hit a zone at the end. The last 6-8 lines are awesome, I really liked that.

Haha ah well. It flowed nice for me, naturally. Thanks man!

I find it odd that your internals are more complex than your ending multis. Could've done with being a bit longer (perhaps a hook?). But still, good shit.

Thanks! Yeah, I honestly have no real good skill with hooks, lol. I usually make ones that are lame haha. I gotta practice with that.

Your internals are better than your end rhymes, that contributes to flow but you may need to focus more on tying off the ends well. Other than that, good shit And hooks aren't that hard, what the key is to repeat and rhyme a lot, it has to have a deep message as well. You gotta say more in less.

Tbh, I've picked up on that as well, but most of the time I feel like I don't really need a complicated word to get a bar if I get a word across unless I need to. But I got you. And yeah, I've tried writing hooks before actual verses but I'm usually sitting there for a while.

[Man1x]

I write hooks for my concept at random. Usually my best hooks come when I write them before the verse itself because I'll tend to take more time on them and then my verse comes out good too. But when I write the hook last I usually write my best verses so yea haha. I just do this, take the topics, tie your concept into it or even the name of the song. And repeat the name of the song or a powerful line.

Sooo,

My DREAMS FROM THE BOTTOM/
Are more dangerous than the villains of Gotham/
Problems? I got 'em/
Gotta fight my DREAMS FROM THE BOTTOM/
X2

That was a real quick one, but the point of the hook isn't to have complex rhymes, that is just a added coating over the hook if you can do so. What you have to focus on is being catchy and deep. It has to sound good to if you record it, it has be rememberable and ear candy

[Ka0t1c]

dude i thought it was very good, i enjoyed it for what it is, nothing seemed to be bad... i like it, good job, some parts don't rhyme where i'd expect but the message worked

[JamaicanPattlez]

I write hooks for my concept at random. Usually my best hooks come when I write them before the verse itself because I'll tend to take more time on them and then my verse comes out good too. But when I write the hook last I usually write my best verses so yea haha. I just do this, take the topics, tie your concept into it or even the name of the song. And repeat the name of the song or a powerful line.

Sooo,

My DREAMS FROM THE BOTTOM/
Are more dangerous than the villains of Gotham/
Problems? I got 'em/
Gotta fight my DREAMS FROM THE BOTTOM/
X2

That was a real quick one, but the point of the hook isn't to have complex rhymes, that is just a added coating over the hook if you can do so. What you have to focus on is being catchy and deep. It has to sound good to if you record it, it has be rememberable and ear candy

Got it! I'm using this for my next CW post. (Not your hook, the idea of creating one lol)

dude i thought it was very good, i enjoyed it for what it is, nothing seemed to be bad... i like it, good job, some parts don't rhyme where i'd expect but the message worked

Yeah haha. Ah well, that's what practice is for, right? Thanks!

Great use of internals and great story telling. The flow from the first line to the second through me off for half a second (then again, I'm listening to music right now) but I really liked this shit I always like what your drop man, always tons of rhymes and good flow - nice to see in the CW.

The story was good, obviously sounds personal, but usually personal shit brings the best out of people - so great job on that.

A mixtape eh? I'd like to hear this when it drops man.

Good stuff!

Thing is with the first and second, I wanted to try stretching bars like Royce, since I don't know HOW he does it, but it sounds sick. Thanks man! I'm definitely working on something right now that should make people go "Damn, did he just rhyme what I think he did!?" haha.

[J.R.]

I find it odd that your internals are more complex than your ending multis. Could've done with being a bit longer (perhaps a hook?). But still, good shit.

Yeah..This. O.o

But other than that, Good shit, I agree. A hook would fit, and you should visit around the section. Get to know more people if you can.

Stay at it.

[JamaicanPattlez]

Thing is with the first and second, I wanted to try stretching bars like Royce, since I don't know HOW he does it, but it sounds sick. Thanks man! I'm definitely working on something right now that should make people go "Damn, did he just rhyme what I think he did!?" haha.

Ahhh I know what you mean about the Royce thing, seeing as he is a pretty big influence on my writing, I try doing it too - it's definitely a lot easier to show off on audio than written, so props on giving it a go.

And word, you're doing good and I'm liking your rhymes. I'd like to hear your audio shit so I can really go, "Did he just make that shit rhyme!?"

Yeah haha for sure man! I'm looking for a response that gains "Whoa DOPE! " out loud, y'know? So I always try and switch things up for improvement. I'm always looking for proper criticism, so when I DO drop a tape, I'm already miles ahead of other emcees. I strive for criticism.

And thanks, B! Haha I'm working on it.