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Life (REALLY would appreciate feed, will reciprocate)

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Life (REALLY would appreciate feed, will reciprocate)

Postby Mr.DGAF » Sep 27th, '11, 00:31

First off, let me say that this is my first attempt at a full length, coherently themed "song". I got into some emotional shit recently, and it's been playing on my mind a lot. For me, writing helps, so I wrote to try and cope with some shit. So this "song", essentially, is all about the message. Hopefully you'll pick it up. Even just reading it helps, but feed would be nice. :flower:

(Intro)
I wanna take this time, right now, to thank everyone who has helped me. Trust that I do appreciate it, and I love ya’ll.

(Verse 1)
My music is like therapy; I use it and try narrowly
To escape this wretched fate, forever late, I will never be
Able to ever clearly see, the road that lies ahead of me
I think of all the better things, the life that I could cleverly
Arrange inside the Beverly’s, exchange my life for better bling,
Estranged, my wife I’ll never see, and change is just a fantasy
They preach it but its uselessness, and teach it but we’re stupid, yes
A fool that’s blessed with ruthlessness, yet truthfulness is foolishness
That’s ludicrous, the lies are broad, these times are flawed with mighty frauds
Sometimes it feels there is no God, why can’t he heal my home boy Todd?
But faith is all I can afford, I’ll stand for more, my plan is for
My lyrics to touch all your hearts, I hear it, such a sorrowed thought
You got no money, got no job, got no honey, got no squad
Sought for something, fuck the odds, life is funny, ain’t it dog?

(Hook)
Forget about the money, the cars and the clothes
Forget about the ugly, the scars you will show
Remember all the good things, the times that you glowed
And remember, life is punchy, so just roll with the blows

(Verse 2)
Life will throw some cheap shots, that’s just a commodity
I feel though it’s the bleak spots that build up your armory
I still know it’s the freak plots that land you in poverty
But we’ll go in the deep pot, and end with the lottery
Or we can turn to robbery, I would do that gladly
Just so I can seem happy, but inside I fiend badly
Never seen my grand pappy, but I’ll wish him the best
Left my mother by herself, couldn't deal with her stress
So she takes it out on me, like I’m the one that just abandoned
Though she makes it out to seem, I was the one who left her stranded
And left her by her lonesome, just a loathsome worthless scrotum
With no motive, just to show that, I don’t care and I don’t know her
Well excuse me, I don’t know if, you still need me or you’re golden
Though I’m hoping soon you’ll show it, please mom, I wanna know it
Because if not I’ll be there, and I’ll know you need care
And though life don’t seem fair, trust inside, it will clear

(Hook)
Forget about the money, the cars and the clothes
Forget about the ugly, the scars you will show
Remember all the good things, the times that you glowed
And remember, life is punchy, so just roll with the blows

Forget about the money, the cars and the clothes
Forget about the ugly, the scars you will show
Remember all the good things, the times that you glowed
And remember, life is punchy, so just roll with the blows

(Outro)
Yeah, sometimes life isn’t fair. You’ll be tested, and you’ll see hardships. It’s how you react to it, that really separates the boys from the men.


Feed:http://forum.trshady.com/viewtopic.php?f=24&t=127560
Last edited by Mr.DGAF on Sep 28th, '11, 00:39, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: Life (REALLY would appreciate feed, will reciprocate)

Postby JamaicanPattlez » Sep 27th, '11, 06:00

Nice job! I really liked the concept a lot, I think about life a lot too. You just gotta hang in there, you know? I'm feeling this, I like this a lot! :y: Feedback? Thanks! viewtopic.php?f=24&t=127786
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Re: Life (REALLY would appreciate feed, will reciprocate)

Postby Man1x » Sep 28th, '11, 00:13

Hey, if your feeling bad. Get better :y:
Now to the piece. Alright, best shit ive seen from you so far. I loved it the message was on key and you had good rhyming with a great flow. However:

"Left my mother by herself, with nothing but an etch-a-sketch
So she takes it out on me, like I’m the one that just abandoned
Though she makes it out to seem, I AM the one who just abandoned"

The etch - a - sketch and abandoned/abandoned rhymes all seem forced or sloppy. I just think it's sloppy to have the end rhymes to be the same and i could see etch - a - sketch being worked out if you had a message left on it but I didn't see that so it seems forced.

Other than that weak section it was amazing, good shit, and good concept. :y:
Can't wait to see what's next, good hook btw.
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Re: Life (REALLY would appreciate feed, will reciprocate)

Postby Mr.DGAF » Sep 28th, '11, 00:35

Man1x wrote:Hey, if your feeling bad. Get better :y:
Now to the piece. Alright, best shit ive seen from you so far. I loved it the message was on key and you had good rhyming with a great flow. However:

"Left my mother by herself, with nothing but an etch-a-sketch
So she takes it out on me, like I’m the one that just abandoned
Though she makes it out to seem, I AM the one who just abandoned"

The etch - a - sketch and abandoned/abandoned rhymes all seem forced or sloppy. I just think it's sloppy to have the end rhymes to be the same and i could see etch - a - sketch being worked out if you had a message left on it but I didn't see that so it seems forced.

Other than that weak section it was amazing, good shit, and good concept. :y:
Can't wait to see what's next, good hook btw.



Thanks man. Yeah, there was some ish going on, but I've seemingly handled it, I think. All good now. As for the forced rhyme, yeah, I agree. I had a really nice line about the etch-a-sketch, but had nowhere to put it. And the abandoned/abandoned rhyme scheme sounded better in my head. I'll edit out that spot, because I really want this to be as perfect as I can get it. So thanks for the feed man, really appreciate it. :y:


EDIT: Fixed up a few lines, mostly the ones you mentioned. I think they work a lot better now.
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Re: Life (REALLY would appreciate feed, will reciprocate)

Postby Man1x » Sep 28th, '11, 02:45

Much better :y:
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Re: Life (REALLY would appreciate feed, will reciprocate)

Postby J.R. » Sep 30th, '11, 22:35

Pretty Decent,

Loved this for some reason:

"Life will throw some cheap shots, that’s just a commodity
I feel though it’s the bleak spots that build up your armory
I still know it’s the freak plots that land you in poverty
But we’ll go in the deep pot, and end with the lottery"

That's a really good bar to be honest. You're rapidly improving, keep at it. Flow and rhymes could use a bit of work though. :y:
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Re: Life (REALLY would appreciate feed, will reciprocate)

Postby Mr.DGAF » Sep 30th, '11, 23:17

Thanks man :y: I'll definitely keep at it. And it flows well for me, but no biggie all the same. I'll keep working on it.
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Re: Life (REALLY would appreciate feed, will reciprocate)

Postby BigBoss » Sep 30th, '11, 23:25

tl dr
RIP IN PEACE VIGILANCE
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Re: Life (REALLY would appreciate feed, will reciprocate)

Postby Mr.DGAF » Sep 30th, '11, 23:50

SWEET_TOOTH wrote:tl dr



Unfortunate, however you're forgiven because I love Twisted Metal.
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Re: Life (REALLY would appreciate feed, will reciprocate)

Postby BigBoss » Sep 30th, '11, 23:57

Mr.DGAF wrote:
SWEET_TOOTH wrote:tl dr



Unfortunate, however you're forgiven because I love Twisted Metal.

:flutter:
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Re: Life (REALLY would appreciate feed, will reciprocate)

Postby Mr.DGAF » Oct 1st, '11, 00:53

Menzo wrote:I meant to feed this days ago, but damn man, I loved this :worship:

Rhyming and flow were all on point, but the content takes the cake on this one. Sounds like some real deep shit my man, and it's never easy to transfer feelings into lyrics, but I think you pulled it off very well here. It can only get better from here on out as you develop more into a complete writer, but I'd say you're on the right track :b:

Nothing to critique, very good work man!



Aha, thanks man! It was actually calming to just sit down and write how you feel at one moment. Mucho Gracias for the feed! :y:
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Re: Life (REALLY would appreciate feed, will reciprocate)

Postby Ka0t1c » Oct 1st, '11, 04:09

very great writing, awesome read, definitely good material, u nailed this one!
i like the short lines and poetic feel, good style man
oh yeah... and thanks for nothing too
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Re: Life (REALLY would appreciate feed, will reciprocate)

Postby Mr.DGAF » Oct 1st, '11, 14:49

Ka0t1c wrote:very great writing, awesome read, definitely good material, u nailed this one!
i like the short lines and poetic feel, good style man



Thanks man. I'll definitely reciprocate the feed as soon as I get a chance.
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Re: Life (REALLY would appreciate feed, will reciprocate)

Postby mdemaz » Oct 9th, '11, 18:04

Mr.DGAF wrote:And left her by her lonesome, just a loathsome worthless scrotum
With no motive, just to show that, I don’t care and I don’t know her
Well excuse me, I don’t know if, you still need me or you’re golden
Though I’m hoping soon you’ll show it, please mom, I wanna know it

There's a few things wrong with this block sadly..
..Like the it at the end and stuff...
I see you do a dramatically different approached to writing then I do..I sorta admire that, but I think because you focus so much on rhymes, you forget about the content and structure.
And because you try to rhyme so much you run out of thing to say, haha.
You can always modify this song really.

But fuck it man..It was a good read, really deep shit.
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Re: Life (REALLY would appreciate feed, will reciprocate)

Postby BigBoss » Oct 9th, '11, 19:10

:y:
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