Unleashed Demon (short piece, will add more to it later)

[RainMan44]

An unleashed demon, leavin' the community priest screamin' (ahhh! Jesus!)
Freakin' out 'cause of the malicious plots that he's schemin'
Demented thoughts when I sentence jot
After searchin' for a pleasant spot to smoke pot 'til my pressure drops (coughing)
These lesson's taught'll put your kids on Santa's naughty list
So break your sisters barbie, make your mommy pissed!
I'm here to show you what the definition of ungodly is
A 5th of brandy to the dome 'til I can hardly sit straight,
I'm the one in charge of your kids fate
Tellin' 'em to sip criss, and slit wrists to this shit
And hit bitches with six inches of dick,
Shit, they should lock me in a cell, and ban me from receivin' mail
I'll make my escape by actin' as if I ain't breathin' well (I think he's dead!!)
Once they open the gate,
I'll sprint faster than Usain Bolt to recover the dead bodies that I've thrown in the lake
So, due to the lack of evidence the charges are dropped
And I'll be leavin' town either in a car or a yacht, farther away lookin' for someone harder to stalk
I like challenges, the man'll just damage ya cerebral region
I am a fuckin' demon, twisted creature, one of the most evil breathin'













LOF viewtopic.php?f=24&t=130136

[Mr.DGAF]

This is pretty good, man. I really liked the multies in this, made it flow really well for me. Stuck to the topic, solid rhyming and the whole nine, really waiting for the rest of this drop.

[RainMan44]

This is pretty good, man. I really liked the multies in this, made it flow really well for me. Stuck to the topic, solid rhyming and the whole nine, really waiting for the rest of this drop.

thanks man, I returned the favor, btw


buuump

[RainMan44]

BumP

[autotooner]

looks really good man, nice use of multis. I like how you the final two bars rhyme with the first two.

An unleashed demon, leavin' the community priest screamin' (ahhh! Jesus!)
Freakin' out 'cause of the malicious plots that he's schemin'
//////////////////////////////////////////////////////
I like challenges, the man'll just damage ya cerebral region
I am a fuckin' demon, twisted creature, one of the most evil breathin'

[Sam.]

Bumping an old Piece is not allowed lol.

[RainMan44]

Bumping an old Piece is not allowed lol.

I added more to this, which is why I bumped it. What else can I do in order to get feed on an old piece?

[Innovation]

The first half of the verse rhyme wise is pretty solid. The second half of the verse was still good, but I think the first half is the standout part of the verse. All I can really suggest is to try to keep a good structure; you often extend lines for far too long which can effect the flow of the piece.

[Sam.]

I know that you're a rapper and know well about structuring and shit, but this is a text piece and you need to maintain a proper structure. Your Multi game is crazy, it helped me flow through this quite easily.
The content is just of the hook man, loved it. Horror-Core is my fav and people who do it here...usually don't meet my standards of liking, but you managed to impress me to a larger extent, not bragging though.

Just work on the structure man.

[RainMan44]

I know that you're a rapper and know well about structuring and shit, but this is a text piece and you need to maintain a proper structure. Your Multi game is crazy, it helped me flow through this quite easily.
The content is just of the hook man, loved it. Horror-Core is my fav and people who do it here...usually don't meet my standards of liking, but you managed to impress me to a larger extent, not bragging though.

Just work on the structure man.

Thank you Sam, appreciate that

I wrote this to a beat, I have it rehearsed and everything. It flows perfect 'cause I switch it up a couple of times...But I know that doesn't carry over in text sometimes.

Thanks again for the feed bro

[Man1x]

Good verse mate, but I still got some advise. This is the one of the most used concepts, ya you executed it well but I'd like you to expand from the flock in order to distance yourself more from them. Other than that, you had all the technicalities, lacked on structure (that doesn't matter cause it flowed) and it is a little short. It may be over used but you executed it well

Feed?: http://forum.trshady.com/viewtopic.php?f=24&t=133847

[Sam.]

I know that you're a rapper and know well about structuring and shit, but this is a text piece and you need to maintain a proper structure. Your Multi game is crazy, it helped me flow through this quite easily.
The content is just of the hook man, loved it. Horror-Core is my fav and people who do it here...usually don't meet my standards of liking, but you managed to impress me to a larger extent, not bragging though.

Just work on the structure man.

Thank you Sam, appreciate that

I wrote this to a beat, I have it rehearsed and everything. It flows perfect 'cause I switch it up a couple of times...But I know that doesn't carry over in text sometimes.

Thanks again for the feed bro

Cheers mate, at a point I did feel that could have been written over a beat.

[Spyder]

not bad liked the humor in it, you have the main idea of multies and inners so your on a good start.
some lines were a little corny but other made me laugh

keep with it

[RainMan44]

Damn I'm pretty late, but thanks for the feed guys. Man1x I'll feed your piece right now.