Newer Writing Style Experiment #3

[JamaicanPattlez]

People think I can't rap, fuck is wrong with your eyes?
You guys realize I might try creaming shit, right?
Jeez, guess that means you see me with three dicks,
I'm not your Kleenex, and I ain't no fuckin' weak kid,
This ain't no remix, this is a whole new batch,
My chick ain't bulimic, just a hole through her ass,
I'm fuckin' raging and I'm tracing this old slut's address,
So I can blaze in and start raping this chick's butt I guess,
Lindsay Lohan came out the big house again,
And she knows when her mouth gets plowed with men,
Meanwhile this bitch Kesha's with a model that's black,
When it's really so tenacious, she drinks a bottle of Jack!
Man, I'm so crazy, even Dre couldn't save me,
Mainly I'm so dark, so no wonder they call me Shady,
I'm taking your throat hostage, take my dick as a lozenge,
While you can floss on the John like we witnessed Kate Gosselin.

viewtopic.php?f=24&t=133685

[JamaicanPattlez]

LOL @ your Kate Gosselin line.

And this:

Meanwhile this bitch Kesha's with a model that's black,
When it's really so tenacious, she drinks a bottle of Jack!

It made me laugh so it was great. And that Jack Black / Tenacious D reference was dope.

NICE! That's what I'm aiming for. I'm trying to experiment with MMLP-like wit he was famous for.

[JamaicanPattlez]

Did a decent job here man

Thanks man.

[Sam.]

Holy shit!

This is dope as fuck, except for the 1st 5 lines(Which appeared a little sloppy to me) the rest of the verse was cleverly written. Try and be consistent with the your work. You have excelled in all department's of writing man, what more can I say?

Yes, you can try your hand at punch lines next time.

So I can blaze in and start raping this chick's butt I guess,

And she knows when her mouth gets plowed with men,

Clever lines.

Keep slayin 'em.

[JamaicanPattlez]

Holy shit!

This is dope as fuck, except for the 1st 5 lines(Which appeared a little sloppy to me) the rest of the verse was cleverly written. Try and be consistent with the your work. You have excelled in all department's of writing man, what more can I say.

Yes, you can try your hand at punch lines next time.

So I can blaze in and start raping this chick's butt I guess,

And she knows when her mouth gets plowed with men,

Clever lines.

Keep slayin 'em.

Damn! Haha. I guess soon it's time for me to graduate to the audio section! Thanks brah.

[Sam.]

Calm down.
Read the last line starting with "Yes, ...."

[JamaicanPattlez]

Calm down.
Read the last line starting with "Yes, ...."

I know, I know. I've been working on that as we speak.

[JamaicanPattlez]

Basically Geno said everything I wanted to say, a lot of NICE lines in there homie. Very good, had a lot of personality

Thank you! Haha. I'm working hard, definitely.

[Spyder]

this was alright,
as Sam said first half was very weak.
im not too into the punches like everyone else, i think the lines Sam quoted
arnt as deep as hes thinkin. my guess is you did it by accident or hes reachin for a definition.
that tenacious line was good
kate and shady lines are played though

all these style attempts arnt a good way to go, youll get lost in yourself and forget
what style you are good at and which suits you the best. IMO you should stick to one,
not one genre, just one style

[Sam.]

this was alright,
as Sam said first half was very weak.
im not too into the punches like everyone else, i think the lines Sam quoted
arnt as deep as hes thinkin. my guess is you did it by accident or hes reachin for a definition.
that tenacious line was good
kate and shady lines are played though

all these style attempts arnt a good way to go, youll get lost in yourself and forget
what style you are good at and which suits you the best. IMO you should stick to one,
not one genre, just one style

They were cleverly put forward and were one of the stand out lines from the whole verse.

[JamaicanPattlez]

this was alright,
as Sam said first half was very weak.
im not too into the punches like everyone else, i think the lines Sam quoted
arnt as deep as hes thinkin. my guess is you did it by accident or hes reachin for a definition.
that tenacious line was good
kate and shady lines are played though

all these style attempts arnt a good way to go, youll get lost in yourself and forget
what style you are good at and which suits you the best. IMO you should stick to one,
not one genre, just one style

I completely understand, this was my last one anyway so I'm only choosing one now. Thanks for the feedback, hopefully I can improve now.