Heavy Hopes

[Mr.DGAF]

Haven't written anything in a while, so I figured I'd drop something new to see if I've improved. Trying to add new aspects to my writing, I guess I'll see if it worked based on feed. Enjoy:

http://forum.trshady.com/viewtopic.php?f=24&t=133877

Why am I bound to this earth, I'm drowning in hurt and sick of it
I'm surrounded by dirt, I found out my worth was fickleness
I'm nickel-less, umbilical cord was a life-line I didn't need
A trampled failure, stamped a prayer with no hope or hidden dream
If you're looking for me, you could find me in the foster house
Please don't rock the cradle, in the box labeled with 'Lost and Found'
Tossed around, in a house roster of one I was the second best
My rhymes are permanent, why am I writing with an etch-a-sketch?
I would never fret, look for solace in an honest life of plagiary
Steal my thoughts, impossible, their sealed in vaults with layered beams
I'm praying please, did He answer New Orleans when the levees broke?
He was gone fishing, I'm on an ambitious mission for my heavy hopes

[Man1x]

The full bar rhyming is cool bro

I think however that you shouldn't do that as much because it limits what you say and everyone on this site is now obsessed with it. Try to expand away from the pack in that regard, cause there are other ways to be amazingly complex rhyme wise that not many people here experiment with. Not really a criticism, just a suggestion. Good shit.

Edit: Be cool if you made them longer too

[Sam.]

Not digging the whole line Rhyming attempt that you did, threw of the flow.I'll show what you did and what you should do.

Why am I bound to this earth, I'm drowning in hurt and sick of it
I'm surrounded by dirt, I found out my worth was fickleness

This is not now you do full line Rhyming, the inner multi's that you used should have been done once in a line and not twice, either use a multi that goes with the end Rhyme or just don't do it.

I did a similar type of rhyming, just take a look.
Sam & PK - Bad Luck
&
Read some of Ego's and JP's work, they do it pretty well.

[Mr.DGAF]

Thanks for the feed guys.

And Sam, I feel ya. I was going for something different, honestly didn't know the multies weren't right in the first bar. Is it just that it sounds better if I do it the way you suggested?

[Sam.]

Didn't you use the same Rhyme Scheme throughout?

[Mr.DGAF]

Didn't you use the same Rhyme Scheme throughout?

Nah, I used it intermittenly through about half of the verse. I kinda modeled it after something Em used to do so well, the whole A,A,B thing he did in the sslp era. I figured if it worked for him it could work for me haha. Oh well though.

[Sam.]

But some how I felt like it, dunno.

Keep slayin 'em.

[Mr.DGAF]

But some how I felt like it, dunno.

Keep slayin 'em.

Haha I kinda know what you mean. Thanks for the feed bruh's.

[Ka0t1c]

i like it, scares me though cuz i think the rhymes seem similar to mine

[Mr.DGAF]

i like it, scares me though cuz i think the rhymes seem similar to mine

Haha, thanks man. And yeah, I just glanced at your piece right quick and the earth line is really similar. I'm gonna check it out in full later and feed.

[Mr.DGAF]

Hate to do it, but bump. Feed would be appreciated y'all.