Mirror

[autotooner]

I am writing a piece called mirror, I have no specific beat yet, but I am planning on 3 verses and a hook. This is what I have for the first verse so far. Thanks for looking.

LOF: viewtopic.php?f=24&t=134064&p=1810812#p1810812

Looking out my window, listening to the wind blow
They say he don't know what he's in fo, but homie I've been broke
Friends and family hear my words, they say that I've been dope
Honing my craft, I fear the worst, but the best is what I'm here for
A pioneer on this trail, West V is where I call home
Determined to reach my goal, no Aubry but I'm on one.
3 AM, bout time to head off to my nine to five Its time to do or die
Cuz this nine to five isn't what I decided for this life of mine
Stress is the shark that's tearing me apart as I pop another pill
Softly sigh, dry my eyes, gotta drop another bill
Can't spend my life in this trailer, embarrassed of who I am
The world's on my shoulders, can't fall down, I choose to stand
Spend my nights rhyme book in hand, music in my heart
Spitting what I feel, my truth is in this art
Seems like I don't celebrate life, I mourn it
Staring at this night sky, just praying for morning
My thoughts are slowed down, like I'm smoking blunts
Haven't spoke in months, the truth is I smoke too much
Maybe I'm insane, but I feel like the end is getting nearer
I'm sick of seeing the face of the man in this fucking mirror

[autotooner]

bump

[Eedee]

Dude, this is nice. The first 4 bars were dope, flowed really nicely, then the bars shortened (except for a few points, see below) and flow became shorter. It was an unexpected change up, I'd try to make the flow the same throughout. Other than that, this was dope and really well written and thought out!

3 AM, bout time to head off to my nine to five Its time to do or die

^ Seemed a bit too long of a bar.

[Words]

Your best piece I've seen yet. In the past I've seen you criticized (I may have even mentioned it once or twice) for not really having a clear topic, or having some punches that don't make sense with what the rest of the verse is about. This piece did not have that problem, you stayed on topic and you never through off the flow with a meaningless punch. You've really improved. I can't wait to hear/read the rest of this when you have a beat for it, should be amazing. Good job on this one, keep it up man!

[Sam.]

I'll feed this when you add all the three verses.It looks promising though, but it's hard to critic with only one verse.At this moment I don't know what you have in store for this.

[autotooner]

Thanks for the feedback everyone. I'll work on a few parts of this that don't feel quite right with me, and I'll be sure to post the rest of the verses as I finish them.