Broken Man [TRACK 6]

[SG.]

[Chorus]

You just a broken man
With a gun in hand
Bribed by a briefcase and 100 grand
Look at the course you ran
The way you wrecked this land
Now you've come to make one final stand

[Verse 1]

So as you stand here, dead child in your arms
You'd have done anything to mind her from harm
But in the war of life, you can't always be there
So now as you cry, in your head you start to see her
She was always innocent, she was always sweet
But innocence? They've got rid of it, you fall in your dreams
They shot her with a bullet, now your head is drilling
Paid a visit to her mother, in her grave she's spinning
You're thinking that you can't move on, it's hopeless
You're sinking into quicksand, you've got to sit, focus
You've got to find her murderers, got to find a blade
And stick it in the back of their head, like they did your mate
Every time you try to get away from this life
Someone dies, and you want to reach for the light
Then you need vengeance, no time for repentance
I guess the way you left this, it's no wonder you're reckless

[Chorus]

You just a broken man
With a gun in hand
Bribed by a briefcase and 100 grand
Look at the course you ran
The way you wrecked this land
Now you've come to make one final stand

[Verse 2]

(Sung) Now you're straight back into the hood life
If you wanted to leave, you could, right? (End Sung)
Right?
Once your family's left you, your life'll be destitute
They'll have nothing to get you, you can ride away in your Lexus too
But you'll be dying of boredom, because you haven't outgrown them
Your life has been recorded, just guess what the tout told 'em
Too bad your wife couldn't have fallen in love with a preacher man
Now she's praying, summoning, calling a dove to rip the weed from your hands
How could you do this to yourself? You coulda been somebody
You're not affecting your own health, you're affecting everybody
Else
(Sung) And please, for your own sake, call the police or CIA
Then get a car and drive away onto the highway (End Sung)
You think you're fucking clever, don't you? In school you were so smart
I never knew you could turn into a fool with a cold heart
Remember what your teacher said? Don't give up on him
Son, you've lost me, your daddy's jumping off the brim

[Outro]

Dear God, I hope you haven't forgot
This young brave astronaut

LOF: http://forum.trshady.com/viewtopic.php?f=24&t=134016

[Man1x]

Seams Yelawolf influenced? I might be wrong, dope shit. I just didn't catch how this would flow in some parts. Other than that I thought it was decent, definitely not your best work though.

[autotooner]

the content was really nice. The rhyming seemed simple in some parts, but it works well for this kind of track. I noticed the title said track 6, will this be recorded? I'm interested to see how the sung parts would fit in with the rapping.

All-in-all, good stuff bro.

[Sam.]

I liked the content as I saw it, but the way you phrased it had me all the time. I mean the way that each bar ended actually disturbed the meaning of the whole thing.It seemed as if you did it for the sake of Multi, see to it and make sure you don't repeat this next time man.The flow got interrupted due to the weird looking Rhymes.

P.S :Spyder if you read this start feeding man.

[SG.]

I liked the content as I saw it, but the way you phrased it had me all the time. I mean the way that each bar ended actually disturbed the meaning of the whole thing.It seemed as if you did it for the sake of Multi, see to it and make sure you don't repeat this next time man.The flow got interrupted due to the weird looking Rhymes.

P.S :Spyder if you read this start feeding man.

Can you give an example? I really don't see it.

[Sam.]

But in the war of life, you can't always be there
So now as you cry, in your head you start to see her
She was always innocent, she was always sweet
But innocence? They've got rid of it, you fall in your dreams
They shot her with a bullet, now your head is drilling
Paid a visit to her mother, in her grave she's spinning

[SG.]

I still don't see it. Maybe that's just me.

[Sam.]

I said weird, keep that in mind.

But in the war of life, you can't always be there
So now as you cry, in your head you start to see her

there/her don't Rhyme, needs a lot of bending.

She was always innocent, she was always sweet
But innocence? They've got rid of it, you fall in your dreams
They shot her with a bullet, now your head is drilling
Paid a visit to her mother, in her grave she's spinning

Rest is self explanatory.

[SG.]

There/her does rhyme.

Aside from that, I see what you're saying now.

[Sam.]

There/her does rhyme.

Aside from that, I see what you're saying now.

Not fully.

Thing is if the bars are read straight up, ignoring the ,, the flow is a problem and also if I take a pause in between.

[SG.]

Yeah, it does rhyme.

Maybe it's just my accent.

[Sam.]

Yeah, it does rhyme.

Maybe it's just my accent.

If I Pronounce it "thur", it does.It's still tough though.

[B.A.D.]

so since I haven't hear your Audio before I decided to come by and check your writing and i can tell you its not bad at all, but here is some feedback I can give you:
1.- generally the flow is good, but there's many lines in which it will break you when rapping it, you need to make sure that everything is structured in a way that there are no un-necessary stops or extra words that might make you rush.
2.- a high percentage of the rhymes seems a little forced, try to be more natural. the writing itself and concept are pretti good, but you need to find a good line of balance.

thats the beggining of it, but before you proceed into getting deep into the writing skill, you have to perfect the structuring, focus on the flow and try to be more natural.



good concept man, enjoyable

[SG.]

Check out some of my other tracks, Ax, like Lights In My Eyes or Summarise. You'll get a better indication of my actual skill.

[Sam.]

Thank god Ax said what I was hinting towards, you must be thinking that I was just hating.