Retarded Shit

[Wreck]

Link of Feed- viewtopic.php?f=24&t=134016&p=1816251#p1816251

I'm half human, half alien, like District 9
See these dissing lines? I get on beats- & R. Kelly em like it's pissing time
If we choosin nerd teams I'd take Bill Gates 1st & then pick his mind
If you throw up after the song then you know I got the sickest rhymes
My gun scorches the Earth, I'll escort ya to the hearse
& ever since I've been conceived it's been torture since birth
Coke heads killed the white like they OJ in '94
Bitch suck my dick, and shut up, ok you tiny whore?
I'm the one who gets on beats & kills these pussies like a fetus
Call my bookie, he's a genius, I aint no rookie- I'm like Revis
I love my car- cause they love a Wreck
i'll fuck a porno chick on the way there, yeah, fuck a set
It's funny, cause I'm like Winston- I aint got my Justice yet
Move bricks like you Matt Damon, that's what you call hustling, yes
My words are sicker then VBV's mental disease
These aren't logo shirts, I just forgot, & left my pen on my sleeve
I let my lawyers do all the work, then I send em all of my fees
Meaning they don't paid in full, so Eric B & Rakim please don't come calling for me

[Sam.]

Slept on?
I liked the whole verse technically and also the content, but there are issues that I will address now.

I'm half human, half alien, like District 9
See these dissing lines? I get on beats- & R. Kelly em like it's pissing time
If we choosin nerd teams I'd take Bill Gates 1st & then pick his mind
If you throw up after the song then you know I got the sickest rhymes

Till here you manged to nail the Multis properly, nothing was forced.

My gun scorches the Earth, I'll escort ya to the hearse
& ever since I've been conceived it's been torture since birth

This would have been so dope hadn't you used "since" in between. By doing this the flow got thrown off by a larger margin. Not only that the Multi didn't get executed that well. To top it off the Multi works only when you say the 1st Line quick, cuz that Multi is a stretch.

Coke heads killed the white like they OJ in '94
Bitch suck my dick, and shut up, ok you tiny whore?

The same can be said here too. Ninety/tiny don't go that well as far as the Face Value of the Rhyme is concerned. It works only when I do it this way:Nity four/tiny whore. I guess you can cover that on Audio because if it's a Text then it's really hard.Work on that.

I'm the one who gets on beats & kills these pussies like a fetus
Call my bookie, he's a genius, I aint no rookie- I'm like Revis
I love my car- cause they love a Wreck
i'll fuck a porno chick on the way there, yeah, fuck a set

The inner on the 1st two Bar was pretty good but the end Rhyme which is the most crucial part of Rhyming and Multi is fucked up, as in a little weak.The next set of Bars are a little decent as compared to the other Bars mentioned in the quote.

It's funny, cause I'm like Winston- I aint got my Justice yet
Move bricks like you Matt Damon, that's what you call hustling, yes
My words are sicker then VBV's mental disease
These aren't logo shirts, I just forgot, & left my pen on my sleeve
I let my lawyers do all the work, then I send em all of my fees
Meaning they don't paid in full, so Eric B & Rakim please don't come calling for me

You nailed the Rhyming in this part just like you started.Nice way of ending the verse, but there's something called consistency and you need to do that with your work from now on. There were drastic ups & downs in this Verse and it's needs a lot of attention.

Don't get me wrong, I like this Verse. The Content is really fresh, newer thoughts were in abundance throughout. Just make sure that you use Multi's properly and not force them, they should come naturally. In other words Multi's are not that Important if you mange to get your thoughts across with proper Structuring and Flow. Multi's just add flavors to the whole work.

[Wreck]

Slept on?
I liked the whole verse technically and also the content, but there are issues that I will address now.

I'm half human, half alien, like District 9
See these dissing lines? I get on beats- & R. Kelly em like it's pissing time
If we choosin nerd teams I'd take Bill Gates 1st & then pick his mind
If you throw up after the song then you know I got the sickest rhymes

Till here you manged to nail the Multis properly, nothing was forced.

My gun scorches the Earth, I'll escort ya to the hearse
& ever since I've been conceived it's been torture since birth

This would have been so dope hadn't you used "since" in between. By doing this the flow got thrown off by a larger margin. Not only that the Multi didn't get executed that well. To top it off the Multi works only when you say the 1st Line quick, cuz that Multi is a stretch.

I'm half human, half alien, like District 9
See these dissing lines? I get on beats- & R. Kelly em like it's pissing time
If we choosin nerd teams I'd take Bill Gates 1st & then pick his mind
If you throw up after the song then you know I got the sickest rhymes

Till here you manged to nail the Multis properly, nothing was forced.

Coke heads killed the white like they OJ in '94
Bitch suck my dick, and shut up, ok you tiny whore?

The same can be said here too. Ninety/tiny don't go that well as far as the Face Value of the Rhyme is concerned. It works only when I do it this way:Nity four/tiny whore. I guess you can cover that on Audio because if it's a Text then it's really hard.Work on that.

I'm half human, half alien, like District 9
See these dissing lines? I get on beats- & R. Kelly em like it's pissing time
If we choosin nerd teams I'd take Bill Gates 1st & then pick his mind
If you throw up after the song then you know I got the sickest rhymes

Till here you manged to nail the Multis properly, nothing was forced.

I'm the one who gets on beats & kills these pussies like a fetus
Call my bookie, he's a genius, I aint no rookie- I'm like Revis
I love my car- cause they love a Wreck
i'll fuck a porno chick on the way there, yeah, fuck a set

The inner on the 1st two Bar was pretty good but the end Rhyme which is the most crucial part of Rhyming and Multi is fucked up, as in a little weak.The next set of Bars are a little decent as compared to the other Bars mentioned in the quote.

I'm half human, half alien, like District 9
See these dissing lines? I get on beats- & R. Kelly em like it's pissing time
If we choosin nerd teams I'd take Bill Gates 1st & then pick his mind
If you throw up after the song then you know I got the sickest rhymes

Till here you manged to nail the Multis properly, nothing was forced.

It's funny, cause I'm like Winston- I aint got my Justice yet
Move bricks like you Matt Damon, that's what you call hustling, yes
My words are sicker then VBV's mental disease
These aren't logo shirts, I just forgot, & left my pen on my sleeve
I let my lawyers do all the work, then I send em all of my fees
Meaning they don't paid in full, so Eric B & Rakim please don't come calling for me

You nailed the Rhyming in this part just like you started.Nice way of ending the verse, but there's something called consistency and you need to do that with your work from now on. There were drastic ups & downs in this Verse and it's needs a lot of attention.

Don't get me wrong, I like this Verse. The Content is really fresh, newer thoughts were in abundance throughout. Just make sure that you use Multi's properly and not force them, they should come naturally. In other words Multi's are not that Important if you mange to get your thoughts across with proper Structuring and Flow. Multi's just add flavors to the whole work.

Thanks for the extensive feed bro, appreciate it . And will do.

[Sam.]

I thought that you might need some Extensive Feed because this was slept on for more than a day. Also Edited the feed, some part were repetitive(I didn't add anything in this Edit).

Keep slayin 'em. ~ Eminem

[Wreck]

I thought that you might need some Extensive Feed because this was slept on for more than a day. Also Edited the feed, some part were repetitive(I didn't add anything in this Edit).

Keep slayin 'em. ~ Eminem

Thanks. I thought this was by far my best piece goes as far as flow. It fit perfect imo.