It's been real. [Remix]

[J.R.]

viewtopic.php?f=24&t=134933

[Hook]
Thanks it's been real
I love you but I just can't deal
With the stress this game is giving me...
But before I go
You know
I can't close the show
Without no closure
So before I leave...


[Verse 1]
I look up and I can see the worst possible hurt I could imagine,
Me sitting alone an empty corpse in a cabin, People just laughing,
I don't know if I can continue on this corse with my rapping,
Gonna have to stop the force of multies because I'm snapping,
My flow and shit, and it's about to blow to bits,
My mind that is, I'd hate for it to go to shit,
And I don't usually act like it or say it outloud but I'm proud,
Because I'm usually smart.. But the cloud in me, wants to fit with the crowd..
I keep telling myself I gotta tone it done,
If I couldn't rap before, How am I gonna own it now?
And I can't stand to face the fact that I might just have to hang it up,
I'm bland and crap, I don't need you telling me i suck, Shames enough,
My interal spirit is flaming up..
Watch out before my brain erupts..

[Chorus-Talking]
You have a choice. Stay or go,
I just pray you know,
That the Choice you make,
Will affect your sake,
For the rest of your entire life.
Best get your desires right..

[Bridge..Stolen from old song]
So much pain
Suffering,
Rougher than,
Nothing to gain,
But I'll tough it man,
Safe to say,
This wasn't my plan,
Didn't map out total suffering.

[Verse 2]
I look into my empty corrupted soul and I know,
That it's unclear if for sure I can go,
On or not, Putting myself on the spot,
A Hurt so rare is to be insanley wack,
I don't care, Yet my shame is back,
My games intact, I've recaught my craft,
And I can't be bothered to be hurt or be sad,
I can't feel worse for myself, then I do for my dad,
OR for anyone else, I gotta get up and get through..
Hip-Hop...I'll do whatever it takes to win you..

[Outro]
Motherfuckers thought I left..
Hahaha, Fucking I'm back.

[Man1x]

Big improvement, now just tighten that structure a little more than your perfect

[Mr.DGAF]

I mean, this is pretty decent. I wasn't really feeling a few lines, your multis honestly leave something to be desired. It's like I see these opportunites, but they aren't executed up to snuff. And I know multis aren't everything, but they would help. The content is pretty good though, you definitely nailed what you wanted to say in a concise way. Phrasing and all, it was pretty good man. Just try and step the multi game up man, at least in tracks that tell a story. I've noticed that you do produce some good multis, but often it sacrifices what you want to say. If you could just maintain your topic to the tightest form possible and still pull off the multis I've seen you do, you'd have an awesome track.