Rage of the Pen III

[JamaicanPattlez]

viewtopic.php?f=24&t=143617&p=1863542#p1863542

I never found love, so it didn't bother me much,
And if I ever found the one, that means she's probably fucked,
Cause me being crazy made me supposedly complicated,
You see, you can't give a shit if you're emotionally constipated,
I see couples hooking up and you have me without a line,
Then another fucking up, I can't count the amount of times,
I've been alone and when I've hated it,
I'm bold, but I've been faking it,
And when I think of it,
I'd rather roll with an Asian chick,
People call me a sexist, but I think I'm speaking the truth,
See though when you have a message, they just see it as rude,
With the aura y'all have, you could turn Rocky to stone,
And what's important is you just gave someone cocky the throne,
So here I am just venting when I usually hate to defend,
I don't have my fucks for renting, this is just a rage of the pen.

Comments welcome! I made this for venting, lol.

[J.R.]

That was pretty dope, but the flow seemed to be off towards the middle . Fix that and I'd say its pretty fucking amazing brah

[JamaicanPattlez]

That was pretty dope, but the flow seemed to be off towards the middle . Fix that and I'd say its pretty fucking amazing brah

Thanks man! Could you show me what you mean? If you mean the shorter bars, I was trying to pull a Crooked and how sometimes he uses shorter bars, like in Monsters In My Head. If it didn't flow well though, ah well.

[J.R.]

Oh I see. Yes, that was what I referring to. :P

[JamaicanPattlez]

Oh I see. Yes, that was what I referring to. :P

Haha, it's cool lmao. I thought it worked, but oh well. Thanks for the feed man!

[J.R.]

RTF if u can
viewtopic.php?f=24&t=143683

[JamaicanPattlez]

Thanks man . Asian chick line was an attempt at a witty punchline since their cultural dishes include many rolls. It feels nice dropping again!

[JamaicanPattlez]

Thanks man . Asian chick line was an attempt at a witty punchline since their cultural dishes include many rolls. It feels nice dropping again!

Ohhh I see Good, you should drop more.

Haha I'll drop more, but we need more writers again! Not so much fun when there's only a handful, y'know?

[CrashBand]

Okay, first off good. Pretty solid flow and use of multies. Very strong first two bars which is always quite good when dropping writtins I find.

With the Asain punch, I wouldn't of noticed it if you hadn't pointed it out and I didn't really like it tbh. It seemed random as. like "id rather kick it with a football chick". Pretty corny really and too subtle. Also with that line I didnt think the multie quite lined up

I've been alone and when I've hated it,
I'm bold, but I've been faking it,
And when I think of it,
I'd rather roll with an Asian chick,

^like an extra syllable after roll would match it up and improve the flow.
Thats if it was an intended 7 multie, which I have to assume it was as you were smashing them out all over the place. (even though a[lone] is kind of a forced rhyme with bold and roll)

But then you finished off really strong. Def liked the "think I'm sexist/speaking true" and the 'gave someone cocky the throne'.
Overall its a good peice.

Haha I'll drop more, but we need more writers again! Not so much fun when there's only a handful, y'know?

def keep dropping, I will try to as well haha

[SchunductionStudios]

Really liked it, though it seemed to sputter out near the end. You started off really strong. Good job

[JamaicanPattlez]

Okay, first off good. Pretty solid flow and use of multies. Very strong first two bars which is always quite good when dropping writtins I find.

With the Asain punch, I wouldn't of noticed it if you hadn't pointed it out and I didn't really like it tbh. It seemed random as. like "id rather kick it with a football chick". Pretty corny really and too subtle. Also with that line I didnt think the multie quite lined up

I've been alone and when I've hated it,
I'm bold, but I've been faking it,
And when I think of it,
I'd rather roll with an Asian chick,

^like an extra syllable after roll would match it up and improve the flow.
Thats if it was an intended 7 multie, which I have to assume it was as you were smashing them out all over the place. (even though a[lone] is kind of a forced rhyme with bold and roll)

But then you finished off really strong. Def liked the "think I'm sexist/speaking true" and the 'gave someone cocky the throne'.
Overall its a good peice.

Haha I'll drop more, but we need more writers again! Not so much fun when there's only a handful, y'know?

def keep dropping, I will try to as well haha

Thanks man! Tbh I didn't even know what else to put instead of the roll line at the time, and I was actually hesitant, but said 'screw it' cause I thought it was kinda dumb but cool.

[Jdubem]

This is nice man. The first two bars are quotable and so is the speaking the truth, see it as rude line. Also liked turn rocky to stone and gave someone cocky the throne line. This shit is pretty relatable and serious yet funny at the same time. Venting well done

[JamaicanPattlez]

Thanks y'all! Lol, was the Asian line THAT bad? Damn. Hahah oh well!

[Words]

You see, you can't give a shit if you're emotionally constipated,

^Best line imo. The very beginning of the verse ("I never found love....constipated") was an outstanding portion. Not to say the rest wasn't good, I'll get to that.

Overall I liked this, the only bit that confused me at first was the "Asian chick" thing. I stumbled over it a little trying to figure it out on my first couple read-throughs. It was lyrically sound, with some great wordplay (I already mentioned some in my favorite line.) I really can't find anything wrong with this. Should've vented a bit more and made it longer, my only critique.

[JamaicanPattlez]

You see, you can't give a shit if you're emotionally constipated,

^Best line imo. The very beginning of the verse ("I never found love....constipated") was an outstanding portion. Not to say the rest wasn't good, I'll get to that.

Overall I liked this, the only bit that confused me at first was the "Asian chick" thing. I stumbled over it a little trying to figure it out on my first couple read-throughs. It was lyrically sound, with some great wordplay (I already mentioned some in my favorite line.) I really can't find anything wrong with this. Should've vented a bit more and made it longer, my only critique.

Thanks man, really appreciate the feedback! Btw, check out my So Appalled written, if you would be so kind.