The Quote and The Girl

[J.R.]

viewtopic.php?f=24&t=143673&p=1863756#p1863756

[Intro- Talking]
You held me down.
Made me wanna quit.
Treated me like nothing,
I'll never forget.
Don't think your right,
Don't think your wrong,
Just know for a fact,
My sanity's gone.


[Verse ]
She was the epiphany to my clouded thoughts,
I've never forgot, How she fought,
Surronded me with doubts and fake shit,
Her soul and mouth were Baked crisp,
One from corruption, one from my dick,
My heart errupted, I'll never forget.
My spirit loosened and slipped away,
I can still hear it, dad's Tip today..
"Son you gotta give em the finger,
say, 'hey, go suck some weiner"
So she can go jump from a skyscraper with a stapler,
Staple her nipples onto a piece of papaer,
Don't worry, the wind will be in her favor,
Fat people fall slow, she'll fall Much later,

[SchunductionStudios]

Wow really nice job. KEep it up. I really liked the verse, it was very descriptive though a tab bit intense. "Staple nipped on paper"? Little crude

[J.R.]

Thanks! Bump for more Feedback please.

[J.R.]

Practice verse was practice. Only posted to see if I'd gotten better with flow and multies; just needed something to write about set in stone haha.

[J.R.]

Yeah; I mean its suppose to be somewhat entertaining; but it's corny. I just focused on syllables; multies and flow here mainly. Just wanted to present that nicely.

[overgrown]

i like the small size lines. short and to the point. condensed. makes the story move quick imo. i like that u added that about your dad. rings more real with that kind of detail imo. on the down side id say baked crisp was kinda forced to me and the stapler line made me think about eminems. i thought the part about "fall slow fall much later" was clever. i thinks its basic but if the subject has meaning to u it dont matter. skill wise its a stepping stone. to u personally id assume its important. something to get out and thats good. u gotta have something to say. other wise your rhymes dont mean anything. just my opinion.