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So Appalled

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So Appalled

Postby JamaicanPattlez » Mar 9th, '12, 18:55

LOF: viewtopic.php?f=24&t=143688&p=1865725#p1865725

If Kony kills so slowly, and nobody knows the story,
Then can you show me the whole story, and where the end goal turns to glory?
Cause all I ever see is pointless bitching without a cause,
It's like going to appointments trying to heal without a gauze,
But I'm so appalled, cause y'all are fuckin' skeptics,
And y'all are about to cause more scars than drunken medics,
So if the past shapes the present, and the present forms the future,
Then with rap, I'll chase the legends, cause the Heavens hold no losers,
And maybe the truth hurts, but a life of lies is cancer,
So lately the use of words add light to the brightest answers,
Those who dance around the subject end up tripping on their feet,
Just ask a couple hundred, cause guaranteed they're stiff and cheap,
Yet they're the ones that whine, so then why should I be bothered?
I'm just trying to hit my grind without advice from my father,
I was trying to speak the truth, but then all of you refused,
So I ain't crying for sneaky dudes, but hey, at least he knew.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IMqt1Ik1VOw

Comments and feedback's welcome! :flower:
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Re: So Appalled

Postby EyeQ200 » Mar 9th, '12, 21:10

I've alread told you what I thought about this on FB, Good stuff man :y:
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Re: So Appalled

Postby JamaicanPattlez » Mar 9th, '12, 21:34

EyeQ200 wrote:I've already told you what I thought about this on FB, Good stuff man :y:


Haha, thanks for that btw. :p
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Re: So Appalled

Postby RainMan44 » Mar 11th, '12, 23:45

JamaicanPattlez wrote:LOF: viewtopic.php?f=24&t=143688&p=1865725#p1865725

If Kony kills so slowly, and nobody knows the story,
Then can you show me the whole story, and where the end goal turns to glory?
Cause all I ever see is pointless bitching without a cause,
It's like going to appointments trying to heal without a gauze,
But I'm so appalled, cause y'all are fuckin' skeptics,
And y'all are about to cause more scars than drunken medics,
So if the past shapes the present, and the present forms the future,
Then with rap, I'll chase the legends, cause the Heavens hold no losers,
And maybe the truth hurts, but a life of lies is cancer,
So lately the use of words add light to the brightest answers,
Those who dance around the subject end up tripping on their feet,
Just ask a couple hundred, cause guaranteed they're stiff and cheap,
Yet they're the ones that whine, so then why should I be bothered?
I'm just trying to hit my grind without advice from my father,
I was trying to speak the truth, but then all of you refused,
So I ain't crying for sneaky dudes, but hey, at least he knew.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IMqt1Ik1VOw

Comments and feedback's welcome! :flower:



I really like the overall message of this. On some parts, I see you went with some different rhyme schemes here than just straight up multies, I thought that was dope too. It also flowed very well.
The structure was nice. One thing I would want too see though, like Menzo said, is to make it into a full song. I think this has the potential to be a full song.

Other than that, the verse as a whole was fresh. Good shit, keep it up :b:
"This dude doing this interview wants me to spin a few,
Lyrics while I tie my tennis shoes in the nude
A romantic interlude in a livin’ room,
In an inner tube with a dude with a bit of lube
Fuck that I’m sniffin’ glue, sippin' gin & juice,
And a little bit of paint thinner with my dinner too,
You better pay me for my bars like your rent is due,
Now hurry up and finish dude before I finish you."




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Re: So Appalled

Postby JamaicanPattlez » Mar 12th, '12, 03:19

Menzo wrote:I liked this man, I liked the flow and the overall message.

You had some great lines too, like the Heavens one, that was sick.

Obviously, lyrically you're in touch, so no need to comment on that. I think I wanna see you expand more into doing whole songs. Maybe with two verses. Other than that, keep it up son!


Thanks! Haha I love the Heavens line too. :smoking:
RainMan44 wrote:
JamaicanPattlez wrote:LOF: viewtopic.php?f=24&t=143688&p=1865725#p1865725

If Kony kills so slowly, and nobody knows the story,
Then can you show me the whole story, and where the end goal turns to glory?
Cause all I ever see is pointless bitching without a cause,
It's like going to appointments trying to heal without a gauze,
But I'm so appalled, cause y'all are fuckin' skeptics,
And y'all are about to cause more scars than drunken medics,
So if the past shapes the present, and the present forms the future,
Then with rap, I'll chase the legends, cause the Heavens hold no losers,
And maybe the truth hurts, but a life of lies is cancer,
So lately the use of words add light to the brightest answers,
Those who dance around the subject end up tripping on their feet,
Just ask a couple hundred, cause guaranteed they're stiff and cheap,
Yet they're the ones that whine, so then why should I be bothered?
I'm just trying to hit my grind without advice from my father,
I was trying to speak the truth, but then all of you refused,
So I ain't crying for sneaky dudes, but hey, at least he knew.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IMqt1Ik1VOw

Comments and feedback's welcome! :flower:



I really like the overall message of this. On some parts, I see you went with some different rhyme schemes here than just straight up multies, I thought that was dope too. It also flowed very well.
The structure was nice. One thing I would want too see though, like Menzo said, is to make it into a full song. I think this has the potential to be a full song.

Other than that, the verse as a whole was fresh. Good shit, keep it up :b:


Yup, you're correct on the multies thing, I find it tiring at times to just rhyme straight multies, sometimes I'd rather just have lyrical end-rhymes so I can get my point across, you know? Glad you caught that. :y: Full song eh? Haha. I'll see what I can do. Thanks guys! :)
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Re: So Appalled

Postby RainMan44 » Mar 13th, '12, 08:45

anytime man, return the fav if u can? :sweating:

viewtopic.php?f=24&t=143797
"This dude doing this interview wants me to spin a few,
Lyrics while I tie my tennis shoes in the nude
A romantic interlude in a livin’ room,
In an inner tube with a dude with a bit of lube
Fuck that I’m sniffin’ glue, sippin' gin & juice,
And a little bit of paint thinner with my dinner too,
You better pay me for my bars like your rent is due,
Now hurry up and finish dude before I finish you."




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Re: So Appalled

Postby JamaicanPattlez » Mar 14th, '12, 01:32

*name* wrote:"So if the past shapes the present, and the present forms the future"

amazing choice of words man, fantastic piece


Thanks! That line was Jay-Z inspired, lol. :y:
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Re: So Appalled

Postby ernies » Mar 14th, '12, 22:36

I think its pretty good and flows decently. It had some interesting verses. Overall, a very good piece.
Feel free to check out http://eminemmusic.net/
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Re: So Appalled

Postby JamaicanPattlez » Mar 15th, '12, 19:57

ernies wrote:I think its pretty good and flows decently. It had some interesting verses. Overall, a very good piece.


Thanks man! And welcome to TRShady! :flower:
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Re: So Appalled

Postby momentsgolden » Apr 9th, '12, 20:55

Your lyricism and flow is really good so i wont comment on that (coupled with the fact that i'm awful in that area too lol) But, i REALLY liked your first lines up to
"So if the past shapes the present, and the present forms the future,"

after which i felt you strayed from discussing Kony and his impact or that whole subject and you made it about you rapping. I'd have loved if you persisted and ended up even in "preachy" territory which some people dislike.
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Re: So Appalled

Postby JamaicanPattlez » Apr 10th, '12, 04:12

momentsgolden wrote:Your lyricism and flow is really good so i wont comment on that (coupled with the fact that i'm awful in that area too lol) But, i REALLY liked your first lines up to
"So if the past shapes the present, and the present forms the future,"

after which i felt you strayed from discussing Kony and his impact or that whole subject and you made it about you rapping. I'd have loved if you persisted and ended up even in "preachy" territory which some people dislike.


Thanks for the feedback! (Practice helps bro! Haha.) Hmm... okay, I like that idea! A big issue I'm trying to improve on is staying on topic with no filler lines, so I'm happy you pointed that out. Plus preachy isn't done a lot either. :P
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