Concept Verse

[Slim Fiasco]

Leonardo DiCaprio is one of my favorite actors, so I had this idea to make a verse while referencing his movies. Here's the result, and let me know if I need to clarify some lines:

Link of feedback - viewtopic.php?f=24&t=145982

I’m like the one that rhymes with Neo
Girls in my bed, they think they fuck a hero
You want to catch me but you will never can
See, failure to score is the play I’ve never run
My diary is clean too, I’ve never ceased playing
Departed from the sins, good I’m forever staying
I love building dreams, make them last for years
Haters awake at level one, they can’t be my peers
No rings on my fingers, so no blood there either
Diamonds aren’t worthy, if kids are drinking ether
You’re nothing but a coward. Me? I’m a Howard
Always flying high, Superman with magic powers
Music is my paradise, so no need to find a beach
Fuck a Juliet though Romeo ain’t dying for a bitch

[Eedee]

I agree that Leo DiCap is a great actor, I love his movies. Where's the Shutter Island reference?

Anyway, the piece. I can see where you're going with the concept of referencing his movies, but this seemed a bit... too contrived, if that makes sense. It's like you tried too hard. Some rhymes were forced, like "Neo/hero" "either/ether" "beach/bitch". It didn't really flow as a coherent piece, just seemed like you literally just referenced movies with no story or anything to make it flow was a written piece.

However, the concept of what you're trying to do is awesome. Perhaps try it again but this time make sure the references fit in the context of the piece you're trying to do. Make a story out of it, don't just do random references, ya know?

Hope this helps!

[Eedee]

^ Didn't realize he was from Macedonia...

[Slim Fiasco]

@Eedee Haha, I know what you mean and I somewhat agree with you. Some of the lines were more than just references though, but I guess the piece as a whole wasn't going anywhere special and was more of a free verse. Here, I'm going to explain parts of the verse to let people know what statements I was trying to incorporate in the lines. My primary goal was to practice my wordplay, and make the lines flow together better than my last 2 pieces.

I’m like the one that rhymes with Neo
Girls in my bed, they think they fuck a hero

Usually, people call DiCaprio Leo, but Neo was also labeled the one in the Matrix. With this, I allude that I'm the one in Hip-Hop meaning the best. Girls used to go crazy over Leonardo too, so I'm saying that I'm good with girls as well.

See, failure to score is the play I’ve never run
My diary is clean too, I’ve never ceased playing
Departed from the sins, good I’m forever staying

Failure to score as in with girls which ties in with the first line, but also as in basketball where teams run plays in order to score a point. Basketball Diaries is a movie in which Leo was playing basketball but stopped playing and became a drug addict. I'm saying that I don't do drugs but moreover, that I'm not giving up on my dream (which is what basketball represented for Leo's character). The Departed is another movie reference, but it's also a nice way to say that I don't do bad stuff, which again ties in with the being clean part.

I love building dreams, make them last for years
Haters awake at level one, they can’t be my peers

Reference to Inception where the characters build dreams, some of which can last for years. I'm also saying that I will fulfill my dreams and live them for a long time. Those who hate are usually people who quit early which goes well with the line.

No rings on my fingers, so no blood there either
Diamonds aren’t worthy, if kids are drinking ether

Saying I don't care for money i.e. I wouldn't spend it on jewelry in order to boast. Also a reference to Leo's Blood Diamonds movie, which itself informs you that people die for you to have those diamonds.

You’re nothing but a coward. Me? I’m a Howard
Always flying high, Superman with magic powers

Reference to Leo's character in The Aviator, but also to Dwight Howard from the Orlando Magic, who has the Superman nickname. Here I'm saying that I'm great at what I do.

Music is my paradise, so no need to find a beach
Fuck a Juliet though Romeo ain’t dying for a bitch

In The Beach, Leo's character was trying to find his happy place, but I've already found mine in music. Romeo and Juliet is another one of his movies, but I'm also referring to the Romeo Must Die movie and the whole story about Shakespeare's characters. And I'm also saying that love shouldn't blind you.

[Slim Fiasco]

@name - THanks bro, I once again agree with you. And yeah, this is just experimenting after all. I was typing that previous post just now, so I would've saved you the trouble if I did it earlier, haha. And you should watch some of these movies, I think you'll love em. The guy is a great actor.

And incorporating references plus making it rhyme is hard for sure, haha. But then again, that's the trick with Hip-HOp, otherwise we would be writing essays. I'll try to improve as I write more, this shit is fun as hell.

[Slim Fiasco]

^ Didn't realize he was from Macedonia...

Regardless man, thanks for the advice. I'll definitely have it mind for the future.

Oh and about that "You want to catch me but you will never can" line. Catch Me If You Can is another movie reference, and what I'm saying is that you want, but you can't reach my skills level.

[Eedee]

Yep, the wordplay with the references was great. I loved that. I'm merely saying to make sure it just doesn't sound like a clusterfuck of references. Try to make a coherent story out of it, or make it all flow together... Maybe it's just me. It's 3 AM haha (in the morning... )

edit: Try not to triple post. Edit previous posts.

[Slim Fiasco]

Yep, the wordplay with the references was great. I loved that. I'm merely saying to make sure it just doesn't sound like a clusterfuck of references. Try to make a coherent story out of it, or make it all flow together... Maybe it's just me. It's 3 AM haha (in the morning... )

edit: Try not to triple post. Edit previous posts.

It's all good man, I love getting feedback. I'll leave this verse as it is, and I'll try to improve as I go on.

Will do, lol. I'm used to posting comments like that on facebook, so it slips my mind.

[Slim Fiasco]

Damn that's a lot to process. Awesome shit man.

Haha, thanks man, I appreciate that! Glad you liked it. We should both write more this summer.