Psychological Hip-Hop Verse Thingy

[mdemaz]

I've been recording a conscious hip-hop album since late last year, but I've had producer's/engineer's/writer's block for a while ever since the shitstorm of negative feedback I received...
This album focuses more on social issues and psychological issues that I and other people go through rather than political stuff...

I've finally managed to write a few tracks, here's a random verse and chorus, sorry for the lack of punctuation, but I prefer writing lyrics without much of it:

Let me take you on a journey into the realms of insanity
enter the gates of my mind, let's see what we can see
I see darkness and pessimism, I see hate and anger
cries from within, I see the dreams I have of her
you see how much crap that I gotta put up with
do you know why I haven't snapped, because I'm a good kid
flee from the pounding craziness, intense mania and yo
see the pain man and open your eyes really slow
feel almost 23 years of life flash before you
kneel down as it overwhelms you, tell me how you feel too
make it clear to me, please tell me that you understand
take each second that passes to say what you can
if you ask me man I'm fresh outta luck
did you see how when I try be happy I get stuck
man there's nothing I can say that can explain it all
stand up now, let's jump into the pit of my mind, let's start to fall

(Chorus)
dive into my brain, have a look at the hate
hide in the depths of sorrow and death's wake
don't start to tremble, let's be calm, things can't get worse
hone your skills as we go deeper, don't worry if it hurts 2x

As you can see this is just psychological stuff, but I talk about a lot of other stuff on the album and on this song.
I'm probably gonna add poetic elements to these lyrics and all the other lyrics I've wrote later once I get the stuff I wanna say written and then complete the 16-20 tracks.

LOF:
viewtopic.php?f=24&t=146119

[Slim Fiasco]

I liked the imaginary though it can't be very detailed since we're talking about an abstract surrounding, but it was cool nonetheless. I liked how you literary took the notion of a journey, and mixed it with your life experiences and moods/feelings. It's good that you inserted a little dialogue in there too, which always makes the listener/reader to feel more connected with the source material. That invitation in the end i.e. the suggestion for what will follow next was good as well. That beat fits the mood as well. I don't like the reoccurring hats that much, but the melodies are perfect for the lyrics.

And what do you mean you have writer's block after some negative feedback??? Don't make me mad, confidence droppings are inexcusable. Check my how to rap tutorial thread as well as my motivational thread to get some perspective. (viewtopic.php?f=29&t=142636 ; viewtopic.php?f=29&t=144641)

[mdemaz]

Nah, I'm all good now man, I just had to get my shit together after all that shit.
I just felt like shit because I couldn't make anything sound good...
I started analyzing rap albums to a disturbing level so I could learn the techniques record producers/rappers use and try to mimic them...

Anyways, thanks for checking this out, sorry if I come off as a dark individual, but it's hard not to show my sadness, haha.

[Slim Fiasco]

Nah, I'm all good now man, I just had to get my shit together after all that shit.
I just felt like shit because I couldn't make anything sound good...
I started analyzing rap albums to a disturbing level so I could learn the techniques record producers/rappers use and try to mimic them...

Anyways, thanks for checking this out, sorry if I come off as a dark individual, but it's hard not to show my sadness, haha.

Well that's good then. But check em out anyhow, haha. And no worries, I didn't get any negative impression or whatever. We all have our good and bad days.

[RainMan44]

Yo man, this is fresh. I really feel you've improved if I remember correctly, but you hadn't posted in so long (unless I'm mistaken).
I'm digging the dark vibe of this piece, I think you did a great job painting that darkness. You executed it very well. As far as the lyricism goes, it's nice. You got some multis in there, but even on the lines w/out em...I consider strong, lyrical bars. The flow is (atleast 2 me) rugged yet smooth, it has that hardcore feel to it, can't really explain it. I loved the good kid line haha.

Chorus is nice as well, and most importantly this whole piece feels "connected"...every line every bar.

Some nice stuff here my dude, keep at it! I enjoyed this.

[mdemaz]

I'm gonna try to drop some new audio soon, I'm pretty excited about all of this.

Thanks for peeping, bro, I'm probably gonna change the lyrics, though...
Well, I'm gonna add some stuff in there like wordplay and such...

It'll be hard writing 16-20 tracks of this shit, but It might work.

[Eedee]

This was interesting; painted a nice scene in my mind. Good stuff.

[mdemaz]

Eh, I changed the beat a little bit, this should flow better now.
I guess I'll use that drum pattern in the beat I posted under the lyrics on another track.

Thanks for having a look, I'm relieved that people like this, so I'm gonna go forward and try to make this work.