Hurtless (Fiasco Day 1)

[Slim Fiasco]

LOF - viewtopic.php?f=24&t=146111

I wasn't very inspired when I wrote this tbh, so it's not my best piece but here it goes:

Yesterday, I met an old lady with Alzheimer's disease
I took my sniper rifle out and said: “Bitch, say cheese”
The second she did I put a bullet in her crooked teeth
It made me feel relieved because I have this bad belief
That each day I must have somebody to be put beneath
The highlights of my day include blowing up apartments
Because every day I represent the bazookas department
Working twenty four seven, I’m sending people to heaven
Or so I tell ‘em before I fuck their whole stupid families up
I got all of my enemies on lock so if you look feminine – duck!
I’m a chauvinist, yes, but that’s not even quarter of the story
I’m also a sociopath, homophobic, and this is the start of my glory
Add alcoholic to my list too, matter of fact, I’m drunk right now
Forty gallons of whiskey in my blood today, don’t dare ask how
You may think my life is worthless, but as long as your wife is shirtless
I’ll have enough reasons to make myself opposite of hurtless, ya heard that?

[ShAdYTiLIDie]

Cool piece I liked it a lot! you had some good multis at the end but try putting more multis in more places I guess. Thats really the only thing I can say, the content is good and it was a pretty entertaining read, Also the transitions from rhyme schemes are good, I didnt read this one to a beat but it seemed to flow pretty well! any way, nice job man! keep it up!

[Mr.DGAF]

You've got a good idea here, it seems like you're full of those haha. There's some good lines in here, and some nice rhymes. They've definitely improved as you've continued to drop. The flow is decent, I didn't really stumble too much. I understand that English isn't the primary language, so a lot of what you've written may rhyme better for you. But for me, some of the rhymes are a bit simple in terms of how many syllables there are. Again, that's not terrible, not everything relies on how many extravagent rhymes you have. But it just seems like there could easily be more intricate rhyming on these pieces, that's really the only thing lacking here.

[Slim Fiasco]

Cool piece I liked it a lot! you had some good multis at the end but try putting more multis in more places I guess. Thats really the only thing I can say, the content is good and it was a pretty entertaining read, Also the transitions from rhyme schemes are good, I didnt read this one to a beat but it seemed to flow pretty well! any way, nice job man! keep it up!

Thanks man, I appreciate that! I wasn't sure if I reached that minimal quality (for my standards/skills) but I guess I did, lol. I read the piece again, and I kinda like it more than earlier. I'm also glad that you found this entertaining, cause stylistically I'm still not at a level where I can impress you with rhyming/vocabulary or whatever, but at least I try to make the content to be fun and somewhat unusual. Oh and, I don't write these to a beat, that would limit me with the rhyme placement and I can't afford that at this level of skills. I'm comfortable doing that on my language though.

You've got a good idea here, it seems like you're full of those haha. There's some good lines in here, and some nice rhymes. They've definitely improved as you've continued to drop. The flow is decent, I didn't really stumble too much. I understand that English isn't the primary language, so a lot of what you've written may rhyme better for you. But for me, some of the rhymes are a bit simple in terms of how many syllables there are. Again, that's not terrible, not everything relies on how many extravagent rhymes you have. But it just seems like there could easily be more intricate rhyming on these pieces, that's really the only thing lacking here.

Haha, thanks man, I hope I am. Though to be honest I've just started writing on English and I already have had some struggles to come up with ideas. This one was harder to write for me, but we'll see how it goes in the near future. And I definitely know what you mean. As I said in my replay to ShAdYTiLIDie above, I'm still at a point where my rhyming is rather simplistic, and I try to make up for it with content. Thanks for pointing things out for me though, I try to eliminate errors and improve where I can as I go.

[SG.]

This piece reminds a lot of MMLP/Devil's Night-era Eminem. As Mr. DGAF said, some of your rhymes are very simple. But still, I couldn't write a piece like this if it was "harder to write for me". I just go straight into writer's block. But anyway, great piece, can't wait for the rest.

[Slim Fiasco]

This piece reminds a lot of MMLP/Devil's Night-era Eminem. As Mr. DGAF said, some of your rhymes are very simple. But still, I couldn't write a piece like this if it was "harder to write for me". I just go straight into writer's block. But anyway, great piece, can't wait for the rest.

Thanks a lot Zabe, your opinion is definitely welcomed. I agree with the points you made, and I'll have them in mind.

[CrashBand]

You're already aware of it but your rhyming is simplistic. At the same time your vocab is pretty good.

And yeah as Geno said the heaven rhyme scheme almost felt like an abrupt halt with the "Families up!" u turn.

[Slim Fiasco]

It was pretty good man. Coulda been better, but definitely not a bad piece. There was one spot I really wish you kept the same rhyme scheme:

Working twenty four seven, I’m sending people to heaven
Or so I tell ‘em before I fuck their whole stupid families up

"families up" kinda threw me up. "seven / sendin' / heaven / tell 'em" even "fuck their" is all the same scheme. Woulda liked to see it continue. It was a fun read!

Thanks man, and yeah I agree, but I wasn't very inspired as I said in my post so I guess that's part of the reason. I actually wanted to keep that on, and tried to incorporate something with bombs and 9/11 but the line would turn out too long, lol, so I decided to switch it with something else. I am aware that it was weird transition though.

Bruh this was pretty good, I liked a lot of lines here especially the last bar and the personality defects one haha, pretty great concept. But I felt like you kinda didn't care about the transition effect on this one, the flow wad pretty good but I recall you were able to switch between each rhyme scheme easily and I didn't think so in this verse, its basically what Geno said, I know you cab do it but it felt like you neglected that in this one and I had to point it out. Great shit though bruh, like I said, your ideas are amazing.

Thanks bro, haha. And yeah that was the case, I kinda did this one for the sake of doing it. My previous pieces were written more naturally, while I kinda forced this one and I think it shows.

You're already aware of it but your rhyming is simplistic. At the same time your vocab is pretty good.

And yeah as Geno said the heaven rhyme scheme almost felt like an abrupt halt with the "Families up!" u turn.

Thanks. I'll try to add more mutlies but I prefer to not let it interfere with the content, but I guess I should make it a bit more complicated. As for that line, check my response to Geno above.

I read this, and the beat to "Who Knew" started playing in my head. I liked that line that went "You might think my life is worthless, but as long as your wife is shirtless", I laughed at that, because it reminded me of something I would have written a while back. The verse has a certain personality that's really enjoyable, great job. The rhyming could have been better, but it's getting there

Haha, that's probably my favorite song on the MMLP. And thanks man, I'm glad you found some kind of a personality in the verse. That's cool.