A Date With Beauty (Fiasco Day 2)

[Slim Fiasco]

LOF - viewtopic.php?f=24&t=146154

It was a day like all others, I was on my way to work
Walking around, like always, I was trying not to smirk
The sight was the same, nothing to excite me and lame
So I didn’t expect for something special to exit the train
It was this beautiful face, one I could never be ready to face
She had a smile that made me feel like the winner of a race
And I knew that this was a feeling that shouldn’t be erased
So I decided to put my nervousness aside and tried to embrace
This gift-alike chance that the universe basically handed to me
So I went over and said "Hi" to what my eyes demanded to see
No pick up lines, no nothing, I just started to speak from my heart
I told her that she was gorgeous, hoping that there was a spark
She said "Thank you a lot", and I think she was willing to keep on talking
But that’s when I put my hands on her big tits and started walking
The bitch started screaming so I hit her hard with my Walkie-talkie
She lost her consciousness as if she was fighting the Russian from Rocky
I raped her like a maniac right there on the middle of the street
It felt so good, my head started spinning like a needle and a beat
Some turn of events, huh? You probably thought I was in love
Well I’m not that corny you assholes, I’m just a horny asshole
Ready to act as a nice guy until I make my way to a girl’s asshole

[ShAdYTiLIDie]

Yeah I definitely agree with name, The ending kind of caught me off guard, as I was reading I kind of felt like there would be a twist and then saw the last word was asshole lol, It was a cool twist though. But yeah I second what name said lol! Nice job.

[Mr.DGAF]

Hahahah good stuff. The hands on tits line was gold. The rhymes have definitely improved, even from yesterday. Much more in the way of syllables. But something I enjoy from both you and name is that you guys write with the intent, primarily, to not have to use crazy rhymes to get the point across. However with this piece I felt like you actually rhymed quite well. Good stuff man.

[CrashBand]

This was good. The first time you are sold that it's a romantic piece until the twist but the second time it works really well reading it from a psycho's point of view. You've done well with being able to take it both ways.

Like as a rapist saying "This gift-alike chance that the universe basically handed to me" is so demonic lol.
I probably would've enjoyed more of these type of things that can be so romantic and then flipped to be so maniacal.

Criticisms would be:
I still struggle with your flow a bit at times not only because lack of rhyming but also sometimes the syllables dont line up that well for me.
Also love and hole is a pretty forced rhymed. And then rhyming asshole three times was a bit eh.

[Slim Fiasco]

Word tbfh I thought this was a serious piece, I LOL'd when I reached the turn point, I can say the concept been done but the most creative thing about this imo is that you used it to throw shots at normal love songs which was pretty damn creative tbh, I mean, even if the concept was executed, I feel like this one is my favorite version, imagery is nice and the transition is well handled. Awesome job.

Hahah, exactly my intention man. THough tbh, at first I was actually planning to do something emotional or what have you, but then it started to get cornier and cornier, so I was like "let me flip this bitch", lool. And thanks for the good words bro, I'm really glad that you liked this!

Yeah I definitely agree with name, The ending kind of caught me off guard, as I was reading I kind of felt like there would be a twist and then saw the last word was asshole lol, It was a cool twist though. But yeah I second what name said lol! Nice job.

That's awesome, haha. I was hoping that you guys wouldn't notice the last line before you started reading, and that it would hit you as a bigger surprise. And thank you too man!

Man, I really like your style. Name said it all, great job.

THanks a lot TRex, I appreciate that!

Hahahah good stuff. The hands on tits line was gold. The rhymes have definitely improved, even from yesterday. Much more in the way of syllables. But something I enjoy from both you and name is that you guys write with the intent, primarily, to not have to use crazy rhymes to get the point across. However with this piece I felt like you actually rhymed quite well. Good stuff man.

Yeah, I definitely had your advices in mind and tried to incorporate more mutlies, though as you've pointed out, I still didn't consider it as my primary objective. And thanks man, I'm glad that both me and name have been able to materialize our intentions of content over rhyming. And I'm glad you liked the rhyming too.

LOL @ the end hahaha.

I was like "ah, such a sappy kinda piece, typical" but then it went really funny. Well done!

Haha, thanks Geno!! I was having the same thoughts when I started writing it with the intention to be romantic, so I had to flip it.

This was good. The first time you are sold that it's a romantic piece until the twist but the second time it works really well reading it from a psycho's point of view. You've done well with being able to take it both ways.

Like as a rapist saying "This gift-alike chance that the universe basically handed to me" is so demonic lol.
I probably would've enjoyed more of these type of things that can be so romantic and then flipped to be so maniacal.

Criticisms would be:
I still struggle with your flow a bit at times not only because lack of rhyming but also sometimes the syllables dont line up that well for me.
Also love and hole is a pretty forced rhymed. And then rhyming asshole three times was a bit eh.

Haha, thanks bro! I liked that line as well, it's cool that it could go both ways like that. And I appreciate the criticism, it can only help me. I'll have that in mind for the future, and I'll try to improve on it. And actually, I didn't mean for love to rhyme with anything, I thought it wouldn't be a problem if it just stood out like that. As for the asshole thing, I had something in mind with threshold I think, but I went with the the same word instead.

[SG.]

I have never laughed so much in my life! That flip killed me tbh. The only thing I didn't like was the last two lines ending on the same word. It doesn't feel like a rhyme to me.

[Slim Fiasco]

I have never laughed so much in my life! That flip killed me tbh. The only thing I didn't like was the last two lines ending on the same word. It doesn't feel like a rhyme to me.

Hahah, that's awesome man!! I'm glad that it came across like that. And I think you guys would like that last line if you heard my intonation pattern for it, lol. But yeah, I get where you coming from with that so it's all good.

[Gummybur]

But that’s when I put my hands on her big tits and started walking
The bitch started screaming so I hit her hard with my Walkie-talkie
She lost her consciousness as if she was fighting the Russian from Rocky
I raped her like a maniac right there on the middle of the street
It felt so good, my head started spinning like a needle and a beat
Some turn of events, huh? You probably thought I was in love
Well I’m not that corny you assholes, I’m just a horny asshole
Ready to act as a nice guy until I make my way to a girl’s asshole

My mind did a 180 with this piece. Good shit, I laughed hard as hell!

[Slim Fiasco]

^Haha, thanks man!