Wrath of Hell (Fiasco Day 3)

[ShAdYTiLIDie]

wheww I'm glad I finished this, I put it off all day and just threw it together before I go to bed. Eh I could be more happy with it. anyway..

LOF: viewtopic.php?f=24&t=146220&p=1926062#p1926062

Verse-

Im in the underworld with Freddy and Jason
Filled with evil and darkness Death is Amazing
I'll leave your heart ripped get ready for satan
I float to heavens gates desecrating angels
then just push them off the edge to the pavement
and take them to the most desolate places
Where pain never ends feel the wrath of hell
I raise kids to sin till theyre stashed in jail
and the vaguest of them is Dasch who fell
from a captive cell now he shackled well
and has to dwell till his ass just melts
and he suffers and dies in this massive shell
but he's valuable cause of stuff that he writes
So I'm hovering by just wondering why
hes touching a knife so I come to his side
and he clutches it tight then it runs through my eye!

[Mr.DGAF]

The rhymes are awesome through this. But I've been biting my tongue on something because I thought it was just a one time thing. But dude, your bars are really short. Try and make them longer, this would fit on a beat alotted for 16 lines but you'd have multiple lines left over even though you wrote sixteen. You know? That's really the only criticism.

[ShAdYTiLIDie]

Yeah I started noticing that when Zabe told me on my last piece lol. So should I try and incorporate maybe 13-16 syllables per line??? or more than that? idk why I write them so short I guess its just a bad habit..

[Slim Fiasco]

The piece was great, awesome rhyming and great vocabulary. I liked the usage of words such as: desecrating, desolate, hovering, clutches etc. As for the length of your bars, as I've said before, the best way is to write 'em to a beat and make the rhymes to fall on the snares (usually the 2nd snare of a bar). That way you cannot go wrong. Now given that this isn't written to a beat, in my opinion the length in such case actually doesn't matter, and you should feel free to write 'em as long as you want.