story bout my mornin

[Enimee]

viewtopic.php?f=24&t=152753&p=2090361#p2090361

this is a rap, about what the fuck happens, when its 7:30 in the mornin, and annoyin ass junior high students come sit on your front porch loud as fuck and wake you up when your trynA fuckin sleep after working the night before....
here it goes



i was sleepin on my couch bed, covers pulled up to my neck
dreamin bout head, and this bad bitch i think that she was Czech
when i heard a loud scream, and i grumbled, aroused from my wet dream
got up stumbled, "what could that sound be", looked out the screen, its the damn step team
4 black bitches, they all teens. and they jus chillin on my stoop
one got her ear bent, listnin, tryna catch the next scoop
i think, "whats my best move", as i check the digits on my clock
its fuckin 730 in the morn, "ok they just tryna test you take a second and stop."
i clean off the precum thats drippin off my cock with a wet sock
eyes filled with rage, thinkin bout my dream, pissed it got stopped, should i get the tech or the glock
i took a breath and just watched, as they laughed and giggled
then one let out a shrill squeal, and i thought "thats it, i have to get you"
"this the last time ima be harrassed by little brats with pimples"
"ima have to whoop that ass official, you know mom and dads gon' miss you"
but thats the only way to teach a lesson to a kid,
so i pulled some sweats out the dressor with a lid
went down the steps opened the door, and guess what i did
i gasped in horror as i saw them trottin round the corner, "sunuva bitch"
i followed them though, thinkin "this time there mine yo, fuck cops"
start to catch up, and just in time though i heard a hiss, looked up, and saw the bus stop...

"daaamn..."

[CanadaPure]

The way you broke the lines came out weird on my screen, but the subject matter had me laughing the whole time I was reading it.


"i clean off the precum thats drippin off my cock with a wet sock"

Lmfao

[J.R.]

Line stopping/starting was a bit weird, but I think I caught the flow and this was pretty well done. Even though this was supposed to be a comedic track I liked the story you told, kept me interested.

Also, just something to keep in mind I guess, to help flow (someone here told me this, I can't remember who) put another end rhyme at one of your start rhymes, for example.

That bitch was about to get shot
Glock was ready to go and cocked.

It really makes things flow nicer and helps you transition into different end rhymes, even though I didn't do it there.

[Eedee]

Enimee has always had trouble structuring his verses lol

This was funny doe, lots of funny lines. Bitches sitting on your porch. What the fuck? Go freestyle battle them.

[Enimee]

Dude you confuse me having trouble with structure with me not caring...when you write a song do you honestly think about the structure your lyrics are in? Or do you just put it down?
Structure is for trshady internet rappers who can't understand lyrics and need it organized.
I feel like you've been purposely baggin on me lately dude idk why.
But thanks for the feed guys I was just tryna vent bout these kids wakin me up and do it in a funny way

[Eedee]

I honestly don't care what structure they're in if I'm listening... but when it comes to reading them, organize it neatly so others can read it without figuring out what the fuck is going on, ya know?

Sorry if it seemed like I'm bagging on ya. Didn't mean to.

[J.R.]

Yeah, I wasn't bagging on you for structure either lmao. I was telling you that adding a third rhyme at the beginning of a line helps flow, but whatever.

[Enimee]

No I understand what your sayin for sure j.r

[J.R.]

Just didn't want you to think I was bagging on you

[Enimee]

No I was talkin to eedee