Erupting Eyes

[J.R.]

viewtopic.php?f=24&t=154515


[V1]
Corruption is a simple road to spite,
erupting from the site of the frozen eyes?
sigh, what does this mean, you ask,you mindless fool.
fighting, politics, things like that always rule.
all is cool, until one of those becomes corrupt and hell,
then its a tool for destruction, eruption as well.
deception is hard to tell, its in the name, deceit,
I fear incorrect reception of my message, their brains are weak,
A bit bleak is the future, I fear it in the hands of the confrontational,
in deep, we are, they wanna kill a land that's irreplaceable
call america fifty, it's already been shot through the vest,
you with me? if we're doomed and consumed, how we gonna use what's left.
it hit me like a bullet to the chest, let our brilliant minds shine and lock away the rest
blessed, you are to have this freedom, so don't bitch when you lose it,
it's true, like my music, you don't need it, in fact you Abuse it.


[Chorus]
Exploding from the site of the erupting eyes,
give up america, corruption is your demise.
tortured from our forces inside-
-the borders, all this hatred dies tonight (x2)

[V2]
Solutions are simple, but we just can't lock people away,
genius is evil, but today see, ignorance pays!
at least that's how it's made out in the modern spiels you hear,
and if you aren't afraid, soon you'll have something real to fear.
the deal is I fear youth and corruption, but even more my ownself.
real talk, ever hear the expression "we create our own hell?"
well, it rings true for me, I fear who leads but wouldn't ever lead
as hypocritical as that may be, I just plead we forever remain free..
and to be clear, T, my rhymes and message aren't rudimentary, you're offending me.
diss you so hard, you have to look it up like you in elementary,
this is getting tense, agreed? I fired the first shots on the 19th..
now ima pull a tupac and leave you bleedin on the block, my g..

[Strictt Ame]

Bro..Ill read this but you gotta take that lime green shit off lol

[Just Silver]

overall nice piece V1 >2 i dont know why u selected lime green font sorta hurt my eyes lol

but concept wise nice multi wise some were forced but hey most werent

[J.R.]

I selected a better green. Easier to read.

[Strictt Ame]

Solid drop..like Silver said, the first verse was better than the second..the second seemed like you were losin the direction and just started goin off on whatever came to mind..the first verse was more on topic and had a better vibe with the hook..keep it up though

[J.R.]

Thanks for the feed, and I'll keep the forced thing along with the on subject thing in mind.

[J.R.]

You have the idea of multies down and it's really interesting how you don't follow a stereotypical set up for them. You break the pattern and diversify which makes it really fun to read, albeit looking a bit difficult to flow - but I'm gonna assume you know how to flow it in your head/aloud better than I do and that structure isn't always a direct relationship to flow, so I'm not going to rag you on that.

Your message is pretty strong, I also like that. I think I prefer pieces like this with an occasional dick around for the fuck of it drop, but conceptual pieces always illustrates a writer's assets and you exemplified them well. You're always showing improvement and I'm glad to see that and watch you grow with each drop.

Quick question though, do you write to a beat? Or was this just a made up flow in your head? Sometimes a beat helps the reader get a better grip on the flow, but like I said, YOU write it a certain way that works for you so that's all that really matters.

Thanks! The bolded parts I really appreciate, and can you explain on the underlined parts? I think I know what you mean, but I'm a bit lost. And no, I flow in my head, just like I used too. I write to a beat when I want to, but it's on and off really.

[J.R.]

Will keep that in mind. Thanks!