My first piece....

[metsfan1121]

This is the first hip hop writing I've ever done. I know it's not great but for my first try it's not too shabby. Still need to work on the even length lines and what not, I wrote it like a paragraph so it might be tough to read.

Feedback:
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I know it appears as if he hears through his ears but he simply cannot
But have no fear cause he's not here
His mind is gone
His mind is blown
His mind has gone to a place where it does not belong 
He's in a whole new world
A whole different dimension 
Did I mention that when you go here you release all your tension
That's sneaking up in your body
creeping the chords of your spine 
 Until it reaches it's peak and seeps in the core of your mind
Applauding is fine
He earns it
When he burns a rhyme
Every line every time 
Spit with flow and with ease
It's always fine almost like its in his blood, a disease
This is his hip hop music
It chose him he didnt choose it
And when hears the beat he can do nothing but simply lose it
Take each syllable and skews it so it can rhyme and he can abuse it
Puts his mind in the shoes he chooses
Eat lines as he chews it he moves it around till he spews it and that's when he really loses it, phew that made him  a little out a breath, if you ain't careful you'll rap so fast it'll lead you to death, that's why he thinks about what hes saying whenever hes sprayin he ain't playin, this ain't a game and listen again, you'll find that every rhyme every verse has a reason, every curse prepared well cooked up and seasoned, it's way past time for the chorus, do you mind if I ignore it, anyway most of them so boring they knock you out snoring till morning. I'm skip straight to part two, so wait, here it goes, whoop-dee-do

Verse 2

I must admit that verse was first person I bursted a flow but the words dispersed as if it was third. Im something youve never seen. Like a carnivorous bird that's takes a turd of rhyming words on your windshield screen.And my experience is slim but I've learned from the G.O.A.T, I'm not there yet but I'm patiently waiting. I'm racing and pacing, waiting for my shot. My one chance to get on a rocket straight outta salems lot. I want the wife and the life and the family and money, I want to be a name in the game and I wanna be funny I don't why I can't catch these dreams they keep running from me I'll make it at last ill be fast and spaz like bugs bunny. I'll stretch far enough for my arms to crack into pieces reaching till my joints pop and I won't stop I know I can get it, I've tried to leave but I just cannot forget it, Im fueled and ready, it's my time, i stopped shaking I'm steady, this is it almost there so exhausted and sweaty, I'm on the 26th mile let me, continue can't give in now I'm want the crowd to be proud I'll even scream loud my dream is here, it's  now I can see the black and white finish line awaiting I'm almost done with the race and I'm so close I can taste it. 
And just like that I made it, what a surprise, I hear my mom yelling so I wake and open my eyes

[Spyder]

hey its obvious this is your first piece.

your structure is all over the place. the end of the lines need to be what rhymes. when rhyming to a beat, that will be the part that hits the drum. this was no order what so ever. i saw saw some rhymes tucked away, but it seems like you just kept typing until your word processor made a new line for you.

your rhymes were one syllable and basic. you rhymed things like bird and turd. yes they rhyme, but a preschooler can rhyme those. a multi- is multiple syllabe rhymes, these should be used in every line of every verse of every track.

so in closing, rhyme multiple syllables at least at the end of the lines. when your rhyme is done and and the syllables match up to the previous line, make a new line. this will be helped by writing to a beat. and step up your vocab.

dont get discouraged, just keep working and youll improve quickly

[metsfan1121]

hey its obvious this is your first piece.

your structure is all over the place. the end of the lines need to be what rhymes. when rhyming to a beat, that will be the part that hits the drum. this was no order what so ever. i saw saw some rhymes tucked away, but it seems like you just kept typing until your word processor made a new line for you.

your rhymes were one syllable and basic. you rhymed things like bird and turd. yes they rhyme, but a preschooler can rhyme those. a multi- is multiple syllabe rhymes, these should be used in every line of every verse of every track.

so in closing, rhyme multiple syllables at least at the end of the lines. when your rhyme is done and and the syllables match up to the previous line, make a new line. this will be helped by writing to a beat. and step up your vocab.

dont get discouraged, just keep working and youll improve quickly

Thanks for the advice. I wrote this around November and I've gotten a little better since, but I think working on my organization will help with the rhyme scheme. It all mixes together in a mess the way I've been writing

[Atone]

i see this more of a poem rather than a verse to a song, seeing that it's your first written is not hard, but, at the same time, you can grow, you can get better, take spyders advise, grab a dictionary, some hip hop albums by people like Outcast, listen hard, try to write your own versions of songs you listen to and feel inspired by, and then grow from that