new verse....

[Devil'sAdvocate]

Hey guys,i didnt write anything in a while,this is just something i did yesterday,hope its okay..

LOF: viewtopic.php?f=24&t=159741&p=2195251#p2195251

How do i start? I wonder lonely in the dark
Is it all out huh? Am i the only with the spark
This place is full of bibs and sharks
They say whatever doesnt kill you makes you stronger!
What about pain to your heart? The damaging thoughts of my savaging cause
The ravaging notes in my avenging boat
It will sell you short! Get you to shore but leave you abandoned alone
Left unknowingly unknown stranded with no hope
No home
These things i say! Define this place
It seems so boxed in even with all the space
Like we're locked in inside a cage but willingly staying away
Will i die soon? Is my mind in the right mood?
What do all the lies imply dude! Is it time for me to just move?
But if i go will i adjust soon to a darker dust room
Got a sharper lust but no groove
Well groomed, but with life, what does that get you?

[Sam.]

Work on the following:
1. Sentence Formation;
2. Rhyming;
3. Structure and Flow;
4. Concept presentation.

[PAINKILLƎR]

Pretty good imo, Lots of rhymes, although some end rhymes didn't match up which usually messes with the flow but that wasn't the case on here it flowed really well. Deep piece I liked it. Nice drop. Try to improve your structure and rhyming because a lot of it to me felt basic tbh.

[Sam.]

It flowed well?

With so many end rhymes messed in between, how could you maintain the flow?

[PAINKILLƎR]

It flowed well?

With so many end rhymes messed in between, how could you maintain the flow?

My American accent

[Sam.]

But he's Arab (or w/e)?

That's not the point I'm trying to make. I'm asking you : Could you maintain a 'consistent' flow?

Accent has nothing to do with this.

[PAINKILLƎR]

It does really and I had no problem with the flow so evidently it does.

[CanadaPure]

I thought it flowed fine. The rhyming was a little bit weak, but that comes with practice.

[PAINKILLƎR]

I thought it flowed fine. The rhyming was a little bit weak, but that comes with practice.

Exactly

[Sam.]

Interesting how I feel so different about the flow than you guys. Maybe I should give it a try again.

[Dante]

Let me just tell you what you need to improve on instead of actually explaining how these things could help you.

[Snakebeast]

I feel like it would be easier to understand the flow if we were given an instrumental to put the lyrics to.

[Devil'sAdvocate]

thanks for the feedback guys