Imaginary Place (Tr Tape pt.2)

[Just Silver]

FEED - Spyder - Im Spyder Man * cant post copy n paste link on PS Vita
viewtopic.php?f=24&t=161636 /updated
(chorus)
Fuck the real world half the shit i cant do
Never had job or a life to pursue
So i light up a blunt , and im talking to you
Imaginary man in his imaginary land...

Imaginary places writing through the pages
Light blue lines are the dreams placement
Light blue eyes like dragons that were played with
When we were just kids, verb assassination
My words in my head turn to pics and fascination
Jumping off mountains, no strings attached
The parachutist , profound and brings facts
The force breaks backs when i chase rap
I flow evil till the lakes black, face flat in the mud
Cause only in my dreams i have a golden gun
Like in my preteens when James was the only one
I came in the game no lights and frozen sun
I just want you to know i write for the fun

(chorus)

I scribble down whatever pops in my head
Whether its clever or a jot to be fed
A lot to be said however it cant blend
And depends how i feel if i want it to end
The realness of feeling, stomping a pen
Till it bleeds on a trend of schemes and options
Im a part of the team sasquatch and a loch ness
Backwash the product spitting up the conscience
Brain matter in the sink hole like outerspace o's
Im so out of place so i take it upon myself
To take my rhymes with stealth a crime to beheld
Or just to behold fuck the world need something else
To cherish what has been felt, like a cherry poppin out


(chorus)

And I'm back in my skull walls for verse three
Always above laws in my university of me
I excel in the essence of excellence
I expect to quit if i keep winning fellowships
Bring the battleships c3, defeat me
Never call my bluff easily transacted illegally
Acted like the legal matters are little league
Literally in my literature i can picture scenes
Bigger puns than a late fat Latin teen
I'm over balancing thoughts and no boundaries
I just gotta be me till I'm found deceased
In the shrubs and some trees near a pharmacy
I may be hard to reach on the cellular piece...I'm dead

[Just Silver]

Bump

[Snakebeast]

There's a lot of rhyming, for sure, which I guess is good. I like how the entire thing is very abstract; ie. jumping from random thought to random thought, never staying on one topic for long. However, the transition between them is kind of awkward....since there's no transition at all.

For example:

Jumping off mountains, no strings attached
The parachutist , profound and brings facts
The force breaks backs when i chase rap
I flow evil till the lakes black, face flat in the mud
Cause only in my dreams i have a golden gun

You went from talking about jumping off a mountain without a parachute (clever line btw) to bringing facts to breaking backs to suddenly rapping about being evil, which for some reason makes the lakes black. Then suddenly, you're face flat in the mud. Boom, suddenly you're talking about a dream about a golden gun.

In other words: I feel like the structure needs a lot of work. And seeing as this is about an imaginary land, you could spend more time telling us about the details (basically, more imagery). With all that said, however, this abstract type of rap is a very interesting idea, and I'd like to see more stuff like this.

[Just Silver]

Thanks for the feed guy never seen u as serious till now

Jumping off mountains, no strings attached
The parachutist , profound and brings facts
The force breaks backs when i chase rap
I flow evil till the lakes black, face flat in the mud
Cause only in my dreams i have a golden gun

I did those lines cause i find imagery in a fast pace
Basically its about my rapping that the facts from my words
Make it so people notice with the impact to break backs figuratively

The flow ..like water so my anger is shown as dark/black
The golden gun represents my "one shot"

[Snakebeast]

It's starting to make more sense now. However, the fact that the words aren't in sentences, but rather just random rhyming groups it's hard to find the meaning behind the words.

And regarding the Golden Gun....Do you mean you only have one shot in your dreams?

[Just Silver]

It's starting to make more sense now. However, the fact that the words aren't in sentences, but rather just random rhyming groups it's hard to find the meaning behind the words.

And regarding the Golden Gun....Do you mean you only have one shot in your dreams?

Yes that's what i meant

And yea i write this way sometimes cause i like lyrics that make u think

[Snakebeast]

It's no problem. The thing is, you might want to make it more coherent so that not only do your lyrics make people think, they make people WANT to think.

For example, people speculated about Em's Space Bound video a fuckload. However, what if Space Bound had lyrics like WBD i.e. all over the place and completely off the walls random?

[Eedee]

I like abstract pieces, so I liked this, naturally.

As Snake said, should've went on more with details of such an imaginary place, but nonetheless, I liked this. Good job!

[Just Silver]

Thanks guy the subject was more about my thought process
And the freedom of saying what i want

[PAINKILLƎR]

I really like this piece man. Lots of rhyming, but you always got that covered. Flowed nicely as well. The thing I feel you should work at is your phrasing of words. Like you know how you explained some of your lines to Snake? You should phrase your words better in order to better understand; for example how you got from jumping off a mountain to so on and so on. This should go hand in hand with the structure nahmean?

I really liked that Big Pun line to haha

Great drop mane

[Just Silver]

Thanks guy I'll do that on my next piece

[Just Silver]

Final bump

[metsfan1121]

FEED - Spyder - Im Spyder Man * cant post copy n paste link on PS Vita
viewtopic.php?f=24&t=161636 /updated
(chorus)
Fuck the real world half the shit i cant do
Never had job or a life to pursue
So i light up a blunt , and im talking to you
Imaginary man in his imaginary land...

Imaginary places writing through the pages
Light blue lines are the dreams placement
Light blue eyes like dragons that were played with
When we were just kids, verb assassination
My words in my head turn to pics and fascination
Jumping off mountains, no strings attached
The parachutist , profound and brings facts
The force breaks backs when i chase rap
I flow evil till the lakes black, face flat in the mud
Cause only in my dreams i have a golden gun
Like in my preteens when James was the only one
I came in the game no lights and frozen sun
I just want you to know i write for the fun

(chorus)

I scribble down whatever pops in my head
Whether its clever or a jot to be fed
A lot to be said however it cant blend
And depends how i feel if i want it to end
The realness of feeling, stomping a pen
Till it bleeds on a trend of schemes and options
Im a part of the team sasquatch and a loch ness
Backwash the product spitting up the conscience
Brain matter in the sink hole like outerspace o's
Im so out of place so i take it upon myself
To take my rhymes with stealth a crime to beheld
Or just to behold fuck the world need something else
To cherish what has been felt, like a cherry poppin out


(chorus)

And I'm back in my skull walls for verse three
Always above laws in my university of me
I excel in the essence of excellence
I expect to quit if i keep winning fellowships
Bring the battleships c3, defeat me
Never call my bluff easily transacted illegally
Acted like the legal matters are little league
Literally in my literature i can picture scenes
Bigger puns than a late fat Latin teen
I'm over balancing thoughts and no boundaries
I just gotta be me till I'm found deceased
In the shrubs and some trees near a pharmacy
I may be hard to reach on the cellular piece...I'm dead

brilliant

[Just Silver]

Thanks guy i liked those lines a lot too