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Society's Standards

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Society's Standards

Postby EvryOnesACrtc » Jul 31st, '14, 08:07

I feel morbidly obese; horribly ugly/
And I'm sure that you'd agree/
That's it--no more Twinkies, I'm drinking diet, and I think I'll buy some Wheaties/
my fridge supply should be cleaned/
of anything that's fried or greasy/
hide the Reese's, cuz I'm binging while I'm eating,/
puking, and at it again at dinner time this evening/
gives new meaning to rinse, recycle, repeat/
begging my shrink to find a treatment/
cuz I can no longer fit in a size that's medium/
this has been the type of behavior that's directly linked to diabetes/
lack of zinc and vitamin C/
I'm on the brink of dying! I resent every minute I am spending by the tv/
I'm on the treadmill until my legs kill; my friends just find it creepy/
would you sympathize with me, please?/
pinch me, I am dreaming/ right..
I miss the days where I would...think that life was easy/

Chorus:
I'm dieting,
but not cuz I'm pandering to society's standards
I'm still beautiful...right?
Don't lie to me, answer!

All my relationships have failed/
I gotta get a grip on reality and accept that my ship has sailed/
no matter how many times I lift dumbbells/
and whip my tail into shape I'll never have the body of a male stripper from Chippendale's/
I'm lookin' pale, I'm short of breath, and my hips are frail/
if I trip and fell, it'd probably show up on the Richter scale/
I look like a hippo or a whale/
no more Nestle Secrets, my lips are sealed/
except for, maybe, this smoke and a sip of ale/
wish I could rip the veil of propaganda and stop the cameras---knock the standards/
starting from every magazine strip of Elle that I receive in the mail/
down to the weekly ads that I snip and then clip for sales/
*sigh* my body's a prison cell---I sit in this jail/
wishin' I could 'scape and skip the bail/
Cuz my fat ass tips the scales at almost 100lbs!!... but I will prevail/

Lof: viewtopic.php?f=24&t=172785
Last edited by EvryOnesACrtc on Sep 20th, '14, 03:28, edited 10 times in total.
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Re: Society's Standards

Postby shadyblogger » Jul 31st, '14, 20:33

Nice piece as usual breh. Some cool rhymes and the flow was sorta unique and different. Is this based off your own life? Interesting and nicely done nonetheless.
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Re: Society's Standards

Postby EvryOnesACrtc » Jul 31st, '14, 21:23

Blogs McGooch wrote:Nice piece as usual breh. Some cool rhymes and the flow was sorta unique and different. Is this based off your own life? Interesting and nicely done nonetheless.


It's not based on me at all lol it's supposed to be a guy that thinks he's fat, but then at the end, when he states his actual weight, you realize that he's anorexic. Dunno if I pulled that off effectively or not.
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Re: Society's Standards

Postby shadyblogger » Jul 31st, '14, 21:26

EvryOnesACrtc wrote:
Blogs McGooch wrote:Nice piece as usual breh. Some cool rhymes and the flow was sorta unique and different. Is this based off your own life? Interesting and nicely done nonetheless.


It's not based on me at all lol it's supposed to be a guy that thinks he's fat, but then at the end, when he states his actual weight, you realize that he's anorexic. Dunno if I pulled that off effectively or not.


Oh, I didn't get that impression. Maybe I need to read it once more. Nonetheless good writing as usual.

EDIT: just read it again. Ok, yeah I get it. Yeah the last line threw me the first time but it makes sense. I guess I couldn't see it the first time. :y:
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Re: Society's Standards

Postby EvryOnesACrtc » Jul 31st, '14, 22:29

Lol ok. Maybe I should work on it to make it a little more obvious.
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Re: Society's Standards

Postby Mr.DGAF » Aug 2nd, '14, 04:23

Read this earlier and it was different. Liked the changes you made/adding another verse. Only bar I wasn't feeling was the "creepy" one, word choice on that particular instance was ehhh, but that's just nitpicking. Thought you did a good job stretching some words to fit the rhymes; I read it probably 5 times to try and pick up all the subtle rhymes and whatnot. Thought you did the topic justice as well. Never seen anyone write about this here, and you did a good job of keeping it kinda lighthearted despite it being a pretty serious and relevant thing.
You'd be surprised...
How many truths you can hide in flows

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Re: Society's Standards

Postby EvryOnesACrtc » Aug 2nd, '14, 19:49

Mr.DGAF wrote:Read this earlier and it was different. Liked the changes you made/adding another verse. Only bar I wasn't feeling was the "creepy" one, word choice on that particular instance was ehhh, but that's just nitpicking. Thought you did a good job stretching some words to fit the rhymes; I read it probably 5 times to try and pick up all the subtle rhymes and whatnot. Thought you did the topic justice as well. Never seen anyone write about this here, and you did a good job of keeping it kinda lighthearted despite it being a pretty serious and relevant thing.


Yeah, I've been editing the crap out of this thing since I posted it. It used to be one long verse, but I split it into two and put a bs hook between 'em. Thanks for checking it out though. And for those who did read it and didn't leave feedback: suck a dick.
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Re: Society's Standards

Postby Just Silver » Aug 20th, '14, 17:16

Very strange piece

I liked the subject but the flow and structure was pretty fucky
Especially with the/ at every bar

Subject was decent chorus was poopy
Try to keep writing in more of a rhyme scheme
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