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Almost Noon

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Almost Noon

Postby Eedee » Aug 27th, '14, 23:41

LoF: viewtopic.php?f=24&t=172815#p2734179

Hey, this was my tournament verse, figured I'd drop it here. :y:

Get advice from the man in the sky...
Watch life as it passes us by...
Hold the moment for starters, get all involved in the corners
Until the Atlas is totaled and they are asking us why
'Cause a rollercoaster only coasts and slows to a stop
And out steps the Holy Ghost that knows I'm a god
Ethereal eulogies exist only to please Him
But how come when my knees bend I'm feelin' so weakened?
I am you, but you are someone I don't know,
Each day you wake up is a time bomb to a no-show
And that's when the roads close and my map's lost
I can't even navigate these familiar black tops
I can't understand what my dreams mean
Please Jesus, show me the way I can be free
Because I put down this book for a bath
I couldn't find my own thoughts, should I look in the back?
Call it leisure, the final minute of the parking meter
Another tax-paid quarter, eh, fuck it, I hardly need it
I saunter over by my old wedding photo
That's someone I'll never know so... I better go though
Before I lose who I am to this blasted thing
Not cancer stricken, but I question what the answer is
It's happening all so soon, good-bye and good-luck,
Jonathan, whatever should come we'll .... it is almost noon.
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Re: Almost Noon

Postby Eedee » Aug 28th, '14, 00:04

Thanks man. I was confused because it was a "bars" round but then Menzo said something about a concept, because the points were (5) for strength of concept. So yeah haha, yolo?
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Re: Almost Noon

Postby MaybeImJesus » Aug 29th, '14, 22:46

Eedee wrote:Get advice from the man in the sky...
Watch life as it passes us by...
Hold the moment for starters, get all involved in the corners
Until the Atlas is totaled and they are asking us why
'Cause a rollercoaster only coasts and slows to a stop
And out steps the Holy Ghost that knows I'm a god
Ethereal eulogies exist only to please Him
But how come when my knees bend I'm feelin' so weakened?
I am you, but you are someone I don't know,
Each day you wake up is a time bomb to a no-show
And that's when the roads close and my map's lost
I can't even navigate these familiar black tops
I can't understand what my dreams mean
Please Jesus, show me the way I can be free
Because I put down this book for a bath
I couldn't find my own thoughts, should I look in the back?
Call it leisure, the final minute of the parking meter
Another tax-paid quarter, eh, fuck it, I hardly need it
I saunter over by my old wedding photo
That's someone I'll never know so... I better go though
Before I lose who I am to this blasted thing
Not cancer stricken, but I question what the answer is
It's happening all so soon, good-bye and good-luck,
Jonathan, whatever should come we'll .... it is almost noon.



Interesting piece. The structure is a tad off in some parts, but it seems like more of a creative choice than an error on your end. It starts strong, but it dwindles toward the conclusion. I feel like you lost interest in the words at some point but forced yourself to finish it.

I give it a 7/10 as is, but I think if you jumped into it with a new perspective it could easily be an 8.5 or a 9.
I'm probably not Jesus, but why risk it?
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Re: Almost Noon

Postby Just Silver » Sep 4th, '14, 02:29

Honestly didn't really care for this

Seemed like a piece that people needed to find hidden meanings and even still was bland at best
Not tournament material to me looks like a throw away
But still hasrhymes intact

Overall it's meh looked like a quick piece that could have used more of a concept
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Re: Almost Noon

Postby shadyblogger » Sep 4th, '14, 02:33

Interesting. Some nice content and usage of words but overall not anything very exciting. Just how it felt to me personally
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Re: Almost Noon

Postby Eedee » Sep 4th, '14, 03:39

Thanks for the feedback, guys.

@Silver - Get off them drugs, son lmao
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Re: Almost Noon

Postby Halftongue Dre » Sep 6th, '14, 00:51

Dope bro. These lyrics have depth. Real yo..
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