feedback please!!!!!!!

[,-,'-{Bar}-',-,]

why the fuck do a rythm ,
will a ever have a prime ,
will there ever be ma time ,
its what a ask maself every day ,
not knowing if its true or false ,
coz a could and lose ya choice ,
meaning not have a chance ,
of being yes or no ,
coz a aint on ma toes ,
and get blown to smitherins* ya know ,
y'all dont know the way ma town works ,
say the wrong thing ya gonni get chopped up ,
a dont ride that way but everyone else does ,
id rather fight fist ta fist and bust ya guts ,
coz if that happened id royaly fuck you up ,
aggresivally arrange anger against you,
bust ya balls , blow ya brain and buck ya mum ,
a cant stop right now this is to much fun ,
a can destroy you without a gun ,
slithering snakes sucking ya balls ,
closest youll get to fucking at all ,
im ending it all with one last line ,
remember random rays of rythms running rapidly will destroy ya time ,


practice feedback please

smitherins = peices

[stevethetruth]

damn your getting better and better i wish i was able to come up with that shit lol

[,-,'-{Bar}-',-,]

damn your getting better and better i wish i was able to come up with that shit lol

thx man

[,-,'-{Bar}-',-,]

why the fuck do a rythm ,
will a ever have a prime ,
will there ever be ma time ,
its what a ask maself every day ,
not knowing if its true or false ,
coz a could and lose ya choice ,
meaning not have a chance ,
of being yes or no ,
coz a aint on ma toes ,
and get blown to smitherins* ya know ,
y'all dont know the way ma town works ,
say the wrong thing ya gonni get chopped up ,
a dont ride that way but everyone else does ,
id rather fight fist ta fist and bust ya guts ,
coz if that happened id royaly fuck you up ,
aggresivally arrange anger against you,
bust ya balls , blow ya brain and buck ya mum ,
a cant stop right now this is to much fun ,
a can destroy you without a gun ,
slithering snakes sucking ya balls ,
closest youll get to fucking at all ,
im ending it all with one last line ,
remember random rays of rythms running rapidly will destroy ya time ,

I put the words in bold that didn't rhyme thus fit.

I'm no expert, but I like it better without those sorta lines and all rhymes rhy,e

thx yeh i need to fix them.......but due to the way i pronounve and say words

y'all dont know the way ma town works ,
say the wrong thing ya gonni get chopped up ,

those do rythm......but the rest i know i need to fix

[,-,'-{Bar}-',-,]

Ah fair enough^^

Don't mean to be anoying when I post negative things BTW, I just think this sort of feedback will make you improve.

no i know only way to learn from mistakes is to get them pointed out right i appreciate all feedback so thx

[Rae]

wow that was good bar! you are gettin betta and betta!!!
keep practicing ... u can tell its payin off!