my first rap

by **runnerup** » Dec 21st, '06, 05:53

Hey i been writin some stuff for the last hours and want som feedback.
I'm picturing the beat to be like Eminem's The Way I Am.

I won't make a dime of my rhymes
i will write 'till i die, i will whine
i will sign with this binded, likeminded
lyin prick, it is sick how this bit is a hit
i can't fit in this shit, this is it it give it
one chance to enhance to distance
i must prance, i must dance, show reliance
for this snob named bob, he's my boss
i feel lost, it's a cost, being bossed
never chosed this host, at this coast im a ghost
at the most, store's closed im supposed
to buy groceryloads, got no gas in my car
take a lift, moving swift, im a star
in this jar and they are always mad
it's so sad it's so bad 'n bizarre
at my pad there's a card, call a number
do a ad i am scared i am stressed
i must rest i've been blessed
and depressed 'n impressed

what u think? not finished yet just done for the day gonna sleep now work on the flow tomorrow, feedback please.

by **ThomasAguanis** » Dec 21st, '06, 05:58

damn thats great as your first rap. you had some great rhymes in there. looking froward to reading the finished version. it'll be sick. keep it up man. :8)

by **runnerup** » Dec 21st, '06, 06:03

thx man lookin forward for feedback from others. some things in the text might seem weird but every word and sentence tells a story.

by **Inzanity** » Dec 21st, '06, 13:24

for the first rap that u ever wrote that is really good I remember my first rap it sucked but I got better in time I mean I'm no Eminem or Tupac but I think I'm alright at it even though some of my raps still do suck but every song a person write's is gonna be good. Anyway that actually was a really good rap for ur first rap ever. U'll deffenitly get better if u keep writing

by **runnerup** » Dec 22nd, '06, 01:03

what should i work on?

by **Inzanity** » Dec 22nd, '06, 13:32

runnerup wrote:what should i work on?

well work on ur multi's there weren't any multi's in there at all.The structure is good it was a little off but it was alright for the most part. Also try not to use so many basic words. That's all the advice I could give u for now. Trust me u'll get better in time.

by 4D » Dec 22nd, '06, 15:15

Very nice man, of to a good start ya are.

runnerup wrote:what should i work on?

Like Empty promises said, "Multies", are a huge part of showing youre advanced at rhyming. Also, wordplay, metaphores, similes, assonance, etc.

Also, it`s not like in school where words that end the same always rhyme, like you put : chance, enhance, distance, prance, dance, reliance. Which looks ok on paper, but, if you actually say those words in your head, the only ones that rhyme are : prance, dance, enhance and chance. The others are pronounced differently.

Anyway, i`m not tryin to preach the shit outta ya, because this was very good for a first effort. And your rhyme does have a great flow to it, so keep up the good work man, and work on those more complex rhymes! :wave:

by **rhiannon** » Dec 22nd, '06, 16:28

it fits well good to tha way i am lol...n nice work im likin it lol

by **so_shady915** » Dec 22nd, '06, 22:35

u got flow, but you aint got no vocab, and I didnt feel what u was talkin about

by **so_shady915** » Dec 22nd, '06, 22:38

u got flow, but you aint got no vocab, and I didnt feel what u was talkin about

by **runnerup** » Dec 23rd, '06, 06:22

so_shady915 wrote:u got flow, but you aint got no vocab, and I didnt feel what u was talkin about

i know its a little special situation, im a proffesional player in a sport that aint so big yet so we cant make a living of it yet but we got tons of fans and we refer to that sport as a jar. and im so upset how i must lick my boss (bob)'s ass to continue get overtime hours so i can make some money and alot of young kids who look up to me wanna do just like me, quit school and put 100% into that sport i play (wont mention the name here) but they don't know the real reason why i did it and they are gonna have it just as bad as me. and the line "I won't make a dime from my rhymes" means that im not tryin to make it as a rapper im just writin this for therapy, and in this sport i had to sign with a team who's leader is a lyin prick and im not happy at all about it.

the text is far from finish.

by **Inzanity** » Dec 23rd, '06, 14:30

runnerup wrote:
so_shady915 wrote:u got flow, but you aint got no vocab, and I didnt feel what u was talkin about

i know its a little special situation, im a proffesional player in a sport that aint so big yet so we cant make a living of it yet but we got tons of fans and we refer to that sport as a jar. and im so upset how i must lick my boss (bob)'s ass to continue get overtime hours so i can make some money and alot of young kids who look up to me wanna do just like me, quit school and put 100% into that sport i play (wont mention the name here) but they don't know the real reason why i did it and they are gonna have it just as bad as me. and the line "I won't make a dime from my rhymes" means that im not tryin to make it as a rapper im just writin this for therapy, and in this sport i had to sign with a team who's leader is a lyin prick and im not happy at all about it.

the text is far from finish.

u write for the same reason I write for therapy and I think that's good if it helps u so keep doing it

my first rap

my first rap

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