i just need criticism

[D@vid]

this is the first thing i have ever written.it took like 5 mins.
i just need to know things such as is it structured correctly?it looks totally wrong to me but im not sure.i know i had no good transitions, but i'll learn that later.i just need to practice for the tourney.it ends abruptly, but u get the idea.thanks if u can help me.


okay guys this is my first rap,
but don't worry cuz it aint gonna be whack

i'll make sure this shit is the best u ever heard
even though this shit sucks it'll still be absurd

u wont wanna hear the words coming from my mouth
cuz this shit is gonna be good, unlike the south

rap that i hear,
this shits banging straight from the ear

[Inches]

allright
just work on ummm...... making it better?
read the thing on battle raps in the rap batlte section and it will show you how to write better



edit -

your in the tourney?

[D@vid]

allright
just work on ummm...... making it better?
read the thing on battle raps in the rap batlte section and it will show you how to write better



edit -

your in the tourney?

i think i am in the tourney cuz cgame asked me last night on msn when i was drunk.maybe he didnt put me in though, i dunno.



i'll read that thing u said.